2020: All These Dumpster Fires Actually Happened This Year.
As we turn the clock to 2021 and bid good fucking riddance to 2020, we thought it might be useful to remember just how much garbage actually happened this year. The pandemic has made all our internal clocks real weird, so you might not even realize some of these things happened this year. But for real, they did!
Like, for instance, at the very beginning of the year, in January, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle quit the royal family. They called it #Megxit. It was big important! Also there was a #Brexit at the end of January. It was also big important!
Oh yeah, and do you remember how there were just weeks and weeks at the beginning of the year when literally all of Hong Kong was protesting for freedom and Donald Trump couldn't be bothered to say dick about it because that was before he was very "mad" at Xi Jinping for "China virus"? Yep, this year. It started last year, but it was still happening this year.
Oh, and remember that time Trump assassinated a big Iranian general at the Baghdad airport and we were all freaked out that he had at last bumblefucked us into a disastrous war with Iran? That was January 2.
The impeachment trial of Donald Trump happened — really, that started in January 2020! He was falsely "acquitted" February 2 by a Republican Senate that's fine with it if he shoots somebody on Fifth Avenue. Harvey Weinstein was sentenced for all his raping on February 24. Also in February, there was a Super Bowl and all kinda wingnuts really lost their shit when they learned that Jennifer Lopez and Shakira have boobies. Nancy Pelosi ripped her copy of Trump's State of the Union address into little pieces, right there on live TV.
There were major news events you don't actually need us to remind you of, like the ongoing daily 9/11 of coronavirus, for which we have Donald Trump's murderous incompetence to thank. First we watched Wuhan, China, and Italy and Spain just completely shut down, and in America, the lockdowns began in March, after which toilet paper was NEVER SEEN AGAIN. Everybody watched New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo's daily coronavirus briefings, because in the absence of federal leadership, we kinda had to. Everybody watched "Tiger King" on Netflix, probably also because of the absence of federal leadership from a real president willing to tell Americans to stop watching that fucking tiger garbage.
Everybody also watched "Schitt's Creek" finally, and it went on to win every single Emmy, the year it ended.
Everything that brings humans any joy whatsoever started to get canceled, including the Olympics, and pretty much all remains canceled to this day. (But there is hope on the distant horizon! Because we have vaccines now, at the end of 2020! If you can manage to get it shot into your arm sometime in 2021!)
The murder-by-cop of George Floyd, in the middle of stay-at-home orders, seemed for the first time to actually make America pay attention to the epidemic of racist police violence that's still very much alive in America. Black Lives Matter protests happened all over the country every day and night for months, peacefully, while asshole chaos agents and rightwing white supremacists tried to make the protests violent to start their race war. Trump and his Justice Department started a snipe hunt for "antifa" that's been as successful as their hunt for the real Obamagaters.
There was a Democratic primary, supposedly. It was #RIGGED probably, we don't remember. Anyway, Joe Biden won it, and then he beat the molten shit-stew out of Donald Trump in the November 3 election, which also literally actually happened, despite Trump's protests to the contrary. Biden accomplished this with his running mate Kamala Harris, who will become America's first Black and Indian-American veep, as well as the first woman veep, obviously. (That's a good thing that happened!)
Aunt Becky from "Full House" went TO JAIL in 2020. (She just got out!)
There were LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of wildfires. Remember how devastating they were in Australia? That was at the beginning of 2020. And then of course they were devastating in California, just like they are every year now.
There was some kind of thing about "murder hornets."
Oh, remember that enormous explosion in Beirut? That was a thing, in August, which was 59 months ago we think.
Chadwick Boseman died. Kobe Bryant died. (Yep, that was THIS YEAR.) John Lewis died. Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. Eddie Van Halen died. Alex Trebek died.
John Prine died, of coronavirus.
So far over 333,000 Americans have died of coronavirus and 1.77 million around the world, numbers that will be out of date by the end of this sentence.
Were there any other good things this year? Sure maybe, we guess. That Taylor Swift record and that other Taylor Swift record, and oh yeah, at the beginning of quarantine, Fiona Apple releasing the greatest work of her entire career, a record that was eerily suited to listening to while you're trapped at home because you can't leave because you don't want to die in a pandemic.
We are sure there were other good things, but we didn't come to this post to dwell on things like that.
2020 was a bad year. We are glad it is over and HEREBY ORDER it to never come back.
Here's hoping 2021 is better. We'll see.
Hey, guess what? On January 20 of the new year, Donald Trump is legally required to GTFO of the White House. That will be a good thing.
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