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HERE'S YR SPARK: Ha ha ha, fuckin' Politico: "In a report sure to spark a national conversation on race, an AP-Yahoo News study reported Saturday morning that white prejudice could be a significant enough factor to sunder Barack Obama’s bid to be the first black president of the United States." Yeah yeah yeah, all white people hate all black people because of welfare, whatever. But we have been laughing for ten consecutive minutes at that opener: "In a report sure to spark a national conversation on race..." So awesome. Why is it that when you have a conversation about race, it has to be "national"? Is every citizen required to telephone a stranger from another state, just to talk about race? UPDATE: Oh man, we just now read the full original story, and this is an instant classic from Ron Fournier's New Associated Press. Highlights below.


Rarely in world journalistic analytical history has a wire report been so consistently terrible on a sentence level. People were paid actual human money to produce some of these fine excerpts:

  • " Lots of Republicans harbor prejudices, too, but the survey found they weren't voting against Obama because of his race. Most Republicans wouldn't vote for any Democrat for president—white, black or brown." Ha ha, Ron Fournier begins sentences about poll results with the phrase, "Lots of."
  • "Not all whites are prejudiced." WRONG.
  • "Indeed, more whites say good things about blacks than say bad things, the poll shows." Oh how cute. Here's an idea: let's have a "national conversation" about how many cubic centimeters of cow shit Ron Fournier can fit inside his mouth.
  • "Race is not the biggest factor driving Democrats and independents away from Obama. Doubts about his competency loom even larger, the poll indicates. More than a quarter of all Democrats expressed doubt that Obama can bring about the change they want, and they are likely to vote against him because of that." OK duder, but isn't the topic at hand here, uh, the effect of race? OHHH, we get it -- Ronald is trying to tell us that these "doubts about his competency" stem from the fact that he's black! Young. And black!
  • "Given a choice of several positive and negative adjectives that might describe blacks, 20 percent of all whites said the word 'violent' strongly applied. Among other words, 22 percent agreed with 'boastful,' 29 percent 'complaining,' 13 percent 'lazy' and 11 percent 'irresponsible.' When asked about positive adjectives, whites were more likely to stay on the fence than give a strongly positive assessment." Look everyone, your Associated Press is admitting that it conducted a textbook racist push poll! How MAVERICKY. Or maybe the pollsters got confused and failed to understand that people were using those adjectives to describe the Associated Press.
  • "'We still don't like black people,' said John Clouse, 57, reflecting the sentiments of his pals gathered at a coffee shop in Somerset, Ohio." Wait until Barack Obama hears what John Clouse, 57, said about black people. Barack Obama has a 20 percent chance of having a "violent" reaction, unless that 13 percent of him that is "lazy" takes over instead. But when you take the net of those two numbers, it's clear that Barack Obama will rape 7 percent of America's white kindergartners. Thanks, AP and Yahoo! We guess we should decide if we're racist now.
  • "I HATE NEGROES SO MUCH, THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE." Ah, it looks like Ron Fournier forced himself to edit this out before publication.

[Politico]

[AP]

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Hello Wonks! Welcome back to another Sunday Show Roundup! After a shit week filled with cruelty, half-ass fixes, and karmic justice ... we find ourselves at another precipice in the hellscape we all inhabit. So before we are faced with new horrors, let's make fun of some idiots who really deserve it!

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Morning Wonketariat! Doktor Zoom is off this week, so don't think we fired him (again). Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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