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HERE'S YR SPARK: Ha ha ha, fuckin' Politico: "In a report sure to spark a national conversation on race, an AP-Yahoo News study reported Saturday morning that white prejudice could be a significant enough factor to sunder Barack Obama’s bid to be the first black president of the United States." Yeah yeah yeah, all white people hate all black people because of welfare, whatever. But we have been laughing for ten consecutive minutes at that opener: "In a report sure to spark a national conversation on race..." So awesome. Why is it that when you have a conversation about race, it has to be "national"? Is every citizen required to telephone a stranger from another state, just to talk about race? UPDATE: Oh man, we just now read the full original story, and this is an instant classic from Ron Fournier's New Associated Press. Highlights below.


Rarely in world journalistic analytical history has a wire report been so consistently terrible on a sentence level. People were paid actual human money to produce some of these fine excerpts:

  • " Lots of Republicans harbor prejudices, too, but the survey found they weren't voting against Obama because of his race. Most Republicans wouldn't vote for any Democrat for president—white, black or brown." Ha ha, Ron Fournier begins sentences about poll results with the phrase, "Lots of."
  • "Not all whites are prejudiced." WRONG.
  • "Indeed, more whites say good things about blacks than say bad things, the poll shows." Oh how cute. Here's an idea: let's have a "national conversation" about how many cubic centimeters of cow shit Ron Fournier can fit inside his mouth.
  • "Race is not the biggest factor driving Democrats and independents away from Obama. Doubts about his competency loom even larger, the poll indicates. More than a quarter of all Democrats expressed doubt that Obama can bring about the change they want, and they are likely to vote against him because of that." OK duder, but isn't the topic at hand here, uh, the effect of race? OHHH, we get it -- Ronald is trying to tell us that these "doubts about his competency" stem from the fact that he's black! Young. And black!
  • "Given a choice of several positive and negative adjectives that might describe blacks, 20 percent of all whites said the word 'violent' strongly applied. Among other words, 22 percent agreed with 'boastful,' 29 percent 'complaining,' 13 percent 'lazy' and 11 percent 'irresponsible.' When asked about positive adjectives, whites were more likely to stay on the fence than give a strongly positive assessment." Look everyone, your Associated Press is admitting that it conducted a textbook racist push poll! How MAVERICKY. Or maybe the pollsters got confused and failed to understand that people were using those adjectives to describe the Associated Press.
  • "'We still don't like black people,' said John Clouse, 57, reflecting the sentiments of his pals gathered at a coffee shop in Somerset, Ohio." Wait until Barack Obama hears what John Clouse, 57, said about black people. Barack Obama has a 20 percent chance of having a "violent" reaction, unless that 13 percent of him that is "lazy" takes over instead. But when you take the net of those two numbers, it's clear that Barack Obama will rape 7 percent of America's white kindergartners. Thanks, AP and Yahoo! We guess we should decide if we're racist now.
  • "I HATE NEGROES SO MUCH, THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE." Ah, it looks like Ron Fournier forced himself to edit this out before publication.

[Politico]

[AP]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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