Liberal Heroes Bill Clinton And Matt Yglesias Woo Interns At Hippie Conference
Yesterday Your Diligent Gossip Monger spent literally hours at theCAMPUS PROGRESS NATIONAL CONFERENCE, which was held at a terribleMINOTAUR-INFESTED LABYRINTHknown as the Omni Shorem Hotel. 1,400 young communists came from all corners of the Soviet Union to discuss Obama'sFIVE-YEAR PLANand to hearHOT CELEBRITIEStalk aboutHIP-HOPandAK47s. Too many stories, so many scandalous photographs! ...
The exclusivePRESS ROOM, busy as a bumble bee. This is where Your Wonkette Correspondent would retreat to for a cup ofORANGE JUICEand a nap, whenever the action got too hairy ...
Center for American Progress's prized thoroughbred blogger-stallionMATTHEW YGLESIASparticipated in a very earnest discussion about water fluoridation and otherCOMMUNIST RACKETSthat jeopardize our National Security. Each panelist was asked to name threeGLOBAL THREATSthat they thought were trendy and chichi. Clearly channeling the greatJULIE ANDREWS, Matthew delighted the audience by singinghis response in a lyrical tour de force titled"(A FEW OF) MY FAVORITE THREATS"...
Afterward, Yglesias was accosted by a lustful swarm ofBARELY-LEGAL PROGRESSIVE-MINDED GROUPIES-- even Your Dutiful Gossip-Huckster joined the flock in hopes of procuring some sort of souvenir, like a lock of hisGRIZZLY BEARD-MANE. But after waiting patiently in line for what seemed like minutes, Mr. Yglesias initially refused even aHARMLESS PHOTOGRAPH, because apparently he avoids your Wonkette likeANTHRAX SCABIES! But blessed be Amun-Ra, for Your Humble Gossip Columnist is also an accomplished practitioner of the ancient Mesopotamian art known as Persuasion. Matt soon fell prey to someFLATTERING HAIKU; his eyeglasses fogged up and his nipples became as hard asCALCIUM DEPOSITS. And thenABRACADABRA! Not even Matthew Solemn-Pants Yglesias could resist! ...
If you don't think that is adorable, you are probably a jerk. This photo will be cherished forever.
Secretary of Rampant DiabetesKATHLEEN SEBELIUStold a scary story about what happens when you don't eat your vegetables! What happens is that Kathleen claws you to death.
Look at all the blood rushing toWILLIAM CLINTON'Sstimulated head! Only an Arkansas sex gremlin like him could manage a face erection.
Unclaimed press passes, at the press check-in table, at 7: 00 PM, THE END OF THE CONFERENCE. What's the story,MAUREEN DOWD? Too busy making out with your Pulitzer Prize? ...
Years from now, when Yours Truly is anOCTOGENARIAN, curious children will inquire, "What was it like to experience a Campus Progress National Conference? Was it like magic?" and also, "Did you really chop off your finger to avoid being drafted duringTHE GREAT MOON WAR WITH CHINA?"
"Yes."
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