• BARACK OBAMA WILL KEEP DICK CHENEY SAFE FOREVER: Government teat-suckler Dick Cheney is such a pussy that he became one of the first -- if not the first -- vice presidents in history to accept Secret Service protection after his reign of terror in office expired, a move requiring the president's authorization. Cheney then ran around Washington going on teevee everyday saying that Obama wanted Americans to die, constantly. Now Barack Obama has extended Cheney's Secret Service protection, so YOU'RE WELCOME, you crazy vampire. [US News]

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