CNN Issues List Of 10 Demands To President It Elected

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BREAKING FUCKING NEWZ!!!1!!11!!! Your CNN.com has figured out ten things that Their Obamar must do (besides pooping, peeing, eating, sleeping, breathing, and jacking itSally Draper-style while FLOTUS sleeps peacefully beside him) in the next ten weeks. Let us click on over and justify their investment in the SEO Expert who told them to put numerals in their headlines! Also, let us just make up our own Wonkette explanations for each of the aforementioned Ten Things. Full disclosure: your authoress has written for CNN.com before, so she is very biased (against Real Americans).


1. Simplify the message. Stop making such complex statements as, "Let’s put aside the partisanship for awhile and work together for small businesses, for employees, and the communities that depend on them across this great country." Instead, say "POOPY POOPY FARTS FARTS BACON SHITZ!" This statement will appeal to the average American, because it is only a few grades above his reading comprehension level.

2. Channel Ronald Reagan. Give Rupert Murdoch whatever he wants! Also, do not mention AIDS in public until 1987.

3. Propagandize the truth. Take all those old HOPE t-shirts and posters out of Axelrod's trunk and write I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN GOD on each of ’em, in Sharpie. Borrow a few air launchers from MTV's Spring Break supply closet and begin distribution.

4. Go on the offense. Return to The View, and throw stuff at Hasselbeck. Unfamiliar things that frighten her, like food and books. Behar will help you.

5. Put up a fight. Seriously, just wing everything you can find at her. Maybe poop on something, and then set it on fire, and throw that at her. Doesn't matter what it is. Could be a napkin. Could be Whoopi's chair. Your choice.

6. Be positive. Try not to call anyone a slut. Sluts hate that shit.

7. Look to the future, not the past. Stop dwelling on how amazing The Office was when Merchant and Gervais first made the magic happen in the U.K. Pam and Jim are never going to be Dawn and Tim. It's been six seasons, dude. Just get psyched for Carell's last season, okay?

8. Pay attention to independents. Round up every American not registered to one of the two main political parties. Shoot all of these people, until they die. Then take everyone registered in a fringe political party and make those people become Democrats.

9. Be prepared for Election Day ... Probably the best way you can prepare for Election Day is to eat a nice protein-rich supper the previous evening and then shoot some hoops with Grandma Robinson. Be warned: she will school your ass. Oh, and the Tea Party will fail overall and nothing will change much, the end.

10. ... but don't stop at November. In case you intended to just stop caring about politics after November, CNN.com wants to remind you that there will be more elections in the future. You will most likely be running in one of them! This is the kind of genius analysis that makes CNN great. You're welcome. [CNN]

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