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It was Colonial Williamsburg staff day at Glenn Beck's GlennBeckPalooza! Show up in your work uniform and get a 60-pack of Hot Wings for just $4.99! Guess who didn't remember his work costume? Wonkette's new drive-time "shock jock" Riley Waggaman! Are you ready for lots more pictures of the Honor which was Restored by, uh, a weeping lunatic self-promoter from Fox News and amoral snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin? The answer, of course, is "I Haz a Dream!" Let's take a look at the rest of Wonkabout Arielle Fleisher's photo album from America's Worst Summer Festival!

While there are no really important differences between the famous hippie-rock sexytime known as Woodstock and the fat old slobfest known as "A few thousand Glenn Beck viewers wheeled out on the lawn for a spell," historians say the two events are not exactly alike. For example, while millions of '60s People spun false memories of attending the rural New York music festival, absolutely no-one will ever claim, in years to come, to have attended GlennBeckPalooza.

But what about this Rebel Leader's sign? (He/She is a rebel because Glenn Beck commanded his followers to leave the misspelled racist signs at home.) What does this sign mean? As always when dealing with the illiterate, what it actually says often has little or no correlation to what it was intended to mean. "In memory," as English speakers know, is a translation of the Latin in memoriam, and is used respectfully to mention the dead.

According to this atheist child-hater's sign, God is dead. So is the American Jesus religion (hooray!). So is freedom, "peace" (?), and "our wives" and "our children." Everything these people claim to like is 100% dead ... except Frito Lay products, which were never technically "alive." These callous clumps of cellulite have come to our Nation's Capital to piss through their Depends on the grave of Jesus Christ, our lord & savior. Monsters.

Well, aren't we a Proud Nation, with our giant sloganized smock-shirts and Chinese "American" flags and jumbo coolers full of corn syrup and cancer. "Restoring Honor?" More like "Confirming every stereotype about a ruined nation stuffed full of dumb white trash."

And here is their Idol, a hunchbacked fishmouthed monstrosity who will burst out of the hell-depths whenever anybody baits a hook with $100,000.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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