We are shocked (shocked!) to learn that a majority of Americans -- 71 percent -- are terrible people, according to a new poll conducted for ESPN. What, you may ask, are we U.S. Americans being terrible about today, and isn't 71 percent sort of a low number when you think about it? We are definitely not being terrible about racism, because we are post-racial now and Democrats are the REAL racists anyway, with their war on whitey, and Real Americans don't even see race anyway, and Santa is white, kids!, and ... where were we? Oh yes. ESPN's new poll on whether the name of Washington Sportsball Team is offensive and should be changed. The answers will in no way amaze you!

The poll of 1,019 Americans, conducted on landlines and cellphones between Aug. 20 and Aug. 24, found that 71 percent favor keeping the nickname -- but that's down from 89 percent when the question was first asked 22 years ago. It also found that 68 percent of people responding think the nickname is not disrespectful of Native Americans, compared to just 9 percent who say it is "a lot" disrespectful. (Nineteen percent say it shows "some" disrespect.)

We want to give a hearty shout-out to those people who think the sportsball team's name shows "some" disrespect, but not "a lot." Those 19 percent clearly are decent enough to recognize "some" racism, but don't want to get carried away by being "a lot" offended by it. We imagine these are the same people who like to call themselves moderates and read the New York Times AND the Wall Street Journal to get both sides.

We are also impressed that ESPN, clearly the nation's most prestigious journalistic institution -- which recently earned its no doubt forthcoming Pulitzer for investigating whether showering with Gay Michael Sam Who Is Gay is, like, ewwww because GAY -- included in its reporting the results of a "nonscientific survey by ESPN's NFL Nation," which means these numbers are meaningless, but what the heck, let's tell you about them anyway. Journalism! Per this "nonscientific survey," 58 percent of the sportsball players who bothered to answer the question think the team should not change its name. In a separate survey (ESPN does not state whether this one is scientific or just shootin' the breeze in the locker room) of 51 players of that particular team, "26 said the team should keep the name, one said it should be changed, and 24 didn't want to answer." That should settle it, really, because who understands racism better than the NFL? You may recall that the NFL investigated itself earlier this year after allegations arose that the Miami Dolphins were a bunch of jerks who would gang up on other team members and say jerky things like, "Hey, wassup, you half-nigger piece of shit," and "I’ll shit in your fuckin’ mouth. I’m gonna slap your fuckin’ mouth, I’m gonna slap your real mother across the face," and other charming boys-will-be-boys-isms like that.

And let us also not forget, as if we could, that this is the same NFL that clutched its collective pearls for fear that Gay Michael Sam Who Is Gay would make the other fellas real uncomfortable-like with his gay, but until last week*, none of those delicate fellas minded a sportsball star who beats his lady when she makes him SO MAD (and she's sorry about that, you guys), but they do have a problem with players who smoke the marijuana and yeah, we really have no idea what the hell is wrong with the NFL, besides everything, but according to ESPN, a majority of Americans are afflicted with the same problem of being terrible, so it's all good and all-American, never mind, play ball!

*Approximately two seconds after the NFL implemented its new new tough-on-tough-guys policy, Ray McDonald of the 49ers generously provided the NFL with its first chance to prove just how serious it is. We are sure it will be very serious. Very.



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