A Children's Treasury Of Barack Obama Getting His Socialism All Over Terry McAuliffe


It was a clear, crisp fall morning in Virginia as we made our way to Washington-Lee High School in Arlington for Terry McAuliffe’s first and only campaign appearance with President Obama. On the corner of Stafford and Washington, we encountered the midpoint of an already massive line for entry, which ran around the corner along the outside of the football stadium.

Also on the corner was a comically oversized Cuccinelli for Governor sign, held up by two guys who had clipboards for some reason.

The rest of their friends were across from the school’s main entrance, where about 50 Cooch boosters were gathered on the narrow sidewalk. A sprinkling of “Women for Cuccinelli” signs were clutched by apparent sufferers of Stockholm Syndrome.

There was also a smaller, infinitely more dignified group protesting American support for the coup that removed President Morsi in Egypt.

The press line got a nice visit from Congressman Gerry Connolly while we waited to be security-wanded and have our laptops sniffed by German Shepherds.

Since the President was coming, we were deputized into his fan club for the day.

Rallies in high school gyms usually have a certain flavor of Real America, and this one did not disappoint.

Three-foot letters stuck to the wall above the bleachers spelled out VOTE TUESDAY and the royal blue backdrop held huge flags, though there was a disappointing lack of festive bunting.

The dominant theme of the day, aside from generalized unabashed Democratic leftiness and pooping on Ted Cruz's dumb shutdown: love for the ladies. Issues of special concern to women featured prominently throughout the program, bringing the biggest applause lines for every speaker: Women should have the right to make their own health-care decisions! This is an economic issue, not just a women's issue! Equal pay laws help keep single-parent families out of poverty! Our daughters should have the same opportunities as our sons! Defunding Planned Parenthood doesn't create jobs! All true!

After a glitz-attack by Kerry Washington and some unexpected thunder from Congressman Jim Moran (he threw in a great burn on Republicans about George Washington warning against politicians who declare war on the government), Senator Mark Warner introduced Terry McAuliffe. Having never seen Terry in person before, we could now understand what all the non-fuss was about.

In truth, Ken Cuccinelli is a horrible train wreck of a politician and one does not need to be an inspirational figure to beat him. This is lucky for Terry McAuliffe. Terry will let everyone get married and take birth control pills (or do both even) and he most certainly will not spend precious public resources trying to ban your sex act of choice. All of this sets Terry far above the Cooch, but the fact remains that Terry is no Barack, and he is certainly no Old Handsome Joe. Terry has an aura of opportunistic skeeze, but it is outdated and worn thin enough for us to see through it to the good Democratic soldier underneath who, we reiterate, is not Ken Cuccinelli.

Terry McAuliffe stands for "sanity and reason and good governance," as Congressman Connolly put it, and that, to our relief, appears to be enough to get you elected Governor of Virginia in November of 2013. Our place of residence is Virginia-adjacent and we would greatly prefer to have someone in charge there for whom the nickname "Governor Ultrasound" is not tragically appropriate.

And oh yes the President was there and looking a little stiff on the bro-hug with Terry but otherwise enthusiastic, admitting he came because he saw the Clintons on the winning team and "wanted to get in on the action."

About half of his speech was sustainably harvested from familiar "Americans need their leaders who can work together to..." stock, with an occasional "and that's what Terry'll do as the next Governor of the great Commonwealth of Virginia!" As a garnish, he added some flattery of Mrs. McAuliffe by saying one thing he and Terry had in common was that they had clearly both married UP from their stations in life.

And with the future first lady of Virginia suitably complimented, and the locals in the crowd maybe convinced to go do some more door-knocking or phone-banking or neighbor-harassing on Terry's behalf, the President made a circuit of the front of the gym before ducking out through a gap in the wall of blue fabric.

The excitement was over and we emerged into the sparkling fall afternoon to find the Coochineers all gone from the street without a single handwritten NOBAMA LIED sign to remember them by.

Regardless of the outcome of the election (and we're pretty sure we know what's going to happen, come on), Ken Cuccinelli will be Virginia's Attorney General for another few months and he probably has some more sex acts he'd like to outlaw and climate change scientists he'd like to sue, so let's stay on our toes, everyone.


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