A Children's Treasury of Crazy People Reacting to Hillary Probably Winning
Howdy do, strangers! Welcome to yer old pal, the Snake Oil Bulletin, back after a much needed hiatus!
Yr Wonkette has been following this here 2016 election doohickey for what feels like a good decade now, but with the finish line in sight and our wine supply freshly restocked, yr Volpe decided to take one for the team and sexplore the darkest corners of the Insan-O-Web to get all our favoritest numbnuts' reactions to the coming Hillpocalypse.
Cozy up into your favorite blanket, brew a piping hot cuppa, and get ready to smash your brain with a hammer as we present a Very Special Episode of the Snake Oil Bulletin: These Numbnuts Edition.
Natural News predicts Holocaust if Girl Hitler gets the nuclear button
First on the list, let's take a gander at our old friend Mike Adams, con-artist-in-chief at Natural News, your crazy uncle's one stop shop for anti-science agitprop. Natural News' odd confluence of naturalistic buffoonery and alt-right wank fodder has come out guns a-blazin' for DJT (worst boy band member, btw) in part because Mike Adams is an unhinged gun-running psychopath, but also because Donald Trump is one of the few openly anti-vaccine candidates in the race, an issue that Mike Adams knows is the most important issue in the history of mankind ever.
Even Mike, however, can see the writing on the wall, and knows that his buttbuddy Trump is on the down slide. Mike's weekly column recently became something of an anti-Clinton meltdown, with a Trumpian call for armed revolution and prosecution of the Great She-Beast herself should Trump fail to win bigly.
All this explains why Donald Trump should openly and firmly reject the results of a fraudulent election. It is not anti-democratic to do so, by the way, when your opponent despises democracy and has rigged the entire election from the start to obliterate democratic principles....
Until Hillary Clinton, James Comey, Loretta Lynch, Bill Clinton and other corrupt democrat operatives are behind bars, America does not have a legitimate federal government
Well at least he's reasonable about it. Mike's screed is a rather hyperbolic version of the typical crybaby "it's all rigged if our guy loses" copy-paste with which we've all been made familiar, but then his invective veers headlong off the cliff of typical crazy and crashlands into the Alex Jones FEMA camps crater. All emboldening is Mike's.
As Hillary Clinton seizes the White House, the message to all the elite leftist power brokers will be obvious: We can get away with anything! They will realize they can commit any crime they want[,] and the media will cover up their crimes while the FBI excuses their actions with contorted legal immunities and whitewashed explanations. They will be above the law, and they will know that they control every institution in government, effectively granting themselves absolute power and absolute immunity.
But will it be "natural" immunity, Mike? Or will it be artificial immunity from vaccines JUST LIKE HITLER?
It is a vast understatement to remind you that this is the most dangerous time in the entire history of our nation since the American Revolution. Once the democrats realize they have absolute power with zero accountability, there will be death squads to seek out and murder their political opponents. Websites critical of the Clinton regime will be seized and silenced. People who speak out against the regime will find themselves indicted by the IRS, or investigated by the FTC, or arrested by the DEA after drugs are planted in their homes. What the Obama regime has already done to Julian Assange, the Clinton regime will do to Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, Alex Jones and Sean Hannity.
Mike goes on to explicitly call the Democrats the Fourth Reich, and claims that they will raise their "rhetoric to levels of psychological insanity [not seen since] Adolf Hitler." Raise their rhetoric? You mean like the guy who is accusing his political opponents of utilizing death squads if they win an election? That's just common sense rhetoric, we guess.
DEATH SQUADS! HITLER! SENSIBLE SHOES! STYLISH PANTSUITS! They will Email Holocaust us to death with BENGHAZI!!! But after detailing with tons of totally real evidence (lol) how Hillary will personally murder the entire talk radio lineup with her bare hands -- JUST LIKE HITLER -- Mike reminds his rational and cool-headed readers that armed insurrection is always a perfectly legitimate career choice:
And sometime during all this, the armed American people will realize they have nothing more to lose, and they will almost certainly pick up their rifles, march on Washington and lay it all on the line to either take back their country or die trying. Because in a society where the Second Amendment still lives, it only takes about 1% of the population to take their country back from a corrupt, criminal regime.
The only good news in all this is that democrats hate firearms, which means they won't be able to put up much of a fight if all this plunges into kinetic action. In other words, if America devolves into a shooting war -- open revolution or armed revolt -- there's no question that the gun owners win.
So there's a silver lining: Liberals will conquer the planet with death squads and Nazi extrajudicial murder camps, but at least they won't use guns. They'll kill the conservapatriots with harsh words and Billy Bush, the conservatives' only weakness.
Next up in our treasury, we have Collective Evolution, the most adorable mash-up of Natural News with Ancient Aliens. Let's examine what rational conclusion they've made about Hilldawg.
Are John Podesta and Hillary Clinton rigging the election through kinky alien sex? Probs
That's more like it.
Collective Evolution contributor Arjun Walia takes the stance that Clinton most def rigged the primary against Bernie, because 3 million people just popped up out of nowhere ready and willing to vote for Lady Stalin. But after rigging the primaries with the help of the Rockefellers (oh yeah, they show up in here), Hillary and Podesta engaged in their secretest plan of all: getting in bed with aliens.we've discussed before, definitely knows about the aliens and maaaaaybe they're connected to the rigging? It's a weird stretch in the article that we had trouble following. Regardless, Walia is super concerned about Podesta's emails about aliens from one man in particular, Dr. Edgar Mitchell, former NASA astronaut and current crazy person.
While Mitchell is deeply respected for his work on the Apollo-14 program and for walking on the goddamn moon, since he left NASA Mitchell (RIP) did his level best to tank that illustrious career. Mitchell claimed that while re-entering Earth's atmosphere after walking on the moon, he experienced a powerful spiritual sensation that set him on his later career of being Peter Venkman, eventually founding the Institute of Noetic Sciences. What are Noetics? Magic, but with lab coats.
In his emails, Mitchell talks to Podesta like old friends and mentions a scheduled Skype call, which Walia uses to conclude that Podesta DEFINITELY KNOWS about the alien threats that Mitchell never refers to directly but that Walia knows. Oh he knows. NO, YOU'RE CRAZY. Walia even asserts that Clinton was party to the conversation because she may have once read an alien book back in the nineties? This part lost us a bit too. What Walia definitely concludes is that the Clintons are hiding alien information even though all these people on collective evolution know about the aliens, but they know about them despite the Clintons and...wait, where were we?
In the end, Walia concludes that the government can't be trusted, Clinton and her Jewlluminati allies absolutely rigged things because duh, and thus she's doing her level best to cover up the alien threat BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THE ALIENS ARE REAL DAMMIT. We'd be lying if we said Walia's piece is coherent, but when you know THE TRUTH, MAN, you don't have to connect ideas to each other in a logical order. All that matters is that the word is out there, and Hillary and Podesta's kinky alien orgy with the Rockefellers and, I dunno, let's say the Stonecutters has been UNCOVERED by Wikileaks, the organization that has never made anything up ever.
Last on our nuts buffet, we examine the Christianistas, who are frankly just depressing now.
Born-Again Christianistas having major sads about Hilldawg winning, still won't gun revolt though
Last on our round-up, we'll examine the poor, poor forgotten Evangelical Bible-Thumpers, so long discriminated against in this primarily white nation of more than 80% Christians. The oppression they face! One of the cutest voices of Christian Oppression is Charisma Magazine, the magazine that includes not only news and politics, but also fun Nana recipes alongside tips for spiritual warfare with the literal Devil.
Charisma's editors have tried not to touch on the election when they can avoid it, in part because they fucking hate Donald Trump. But as the primary died down and their Anointed One Ted Cruz crashed and burned, Charisma tried to quietly switch their endorsement to Trump, though it's clear from their rhetoric that it tastes about as bitter as eating raw sewage.
Their personal distaste for Trump didn't stop the fine folks at Charisma from accusing Donald Trump's sexual assault victims of being in league with Satan, but they've apparently decided this election is pointless to resist. Recently, contributor J. Lee Grady wrote an absolutely pitiful article in which he essentially gave up. He admitted that Hillary Clinton was likely going to win, not due to corruption or rigging or alien influence, but just through the standard democratic process. Frankly, after hours spent slogging through conspiracy sites accusing Hillary of conspiring with the Illuminati to personally murder Birdie Sanders, Charisma's capitulation to Clinton's win was a breath of fresh air.
Or at least it was until we read the damn thing.
In fairness, Grady does excoriate his fellow conservatives who openly fantasize about insurrection. He claims that it is all Christians' duty to pray for their leaders, and says Trump supporters embittered by the loss need to stop attacking people, step away from their Facebooks, and chill the fudge out. He doesn't exactly disagree with their reasoning, however. Like our other illustrious contributors, Grady is convinced that Hillary has been a secret fascist this entire time:
Many Christians are legitimately concerned about whether liberal politicians will begin taking our rights away. I'll be the first to say I don't trust the people Mrs. Clinton has around her. Too many of her political cronies are linked to organizations like Planned Parenthood or to groups that want to weaken or abolish the influence of churches. An antichrist spirit is working overtime in Washington. That's why we must elect local and state leaders who will oppose this agenda.
Because if there's one group that is super in favor of stopping people from exercising freedom of choice, it's those authoritarians at Planned Parenthood.
Grady grudgingly concedes Clinton is not going to end the world, which is an interesting perspective change from LITERALLY THE ENTIRE INTERNET. He points out that neither Trump nor Clinton pass the Charismatic purity test, and that even if Trump won, the only thing that will save America is JESUS:
Ultimately, there is no president or political party that can solve America's problems. Neither Trump nor Clinton can do it. The only thing that will turn our nation around is a heaven-sent revival, and we are long overdue for another one. Intercessors have been filling up heaven's bowls of prayer for many years, and the next Great Awakening could happen during the next four years. I expect to see it soon.