A Roundup Of Wingnuts Insisting Donald 'I'm F**ked' Trump Is Innocent
Now that most of the Mueller Report has been released, TrumpWorld and its online TrumpSuburbs are declaring victory, never mind the actual contents of the report. Donald Trump and his legal team insisted he'd been totally cleared of everything, because Trump followers will believe that no matter what. And the pro-Trump parts of the internet were spinning furiously, explaining that not quite rising to convictable evidence of criminal conspiracy is exactly the same as innocent victim of a massive witch hunt (the witch is Hillary). While Evan's wrapping up today's portion of liveblog, let's sample the dumbth!
Trump explained his position as soon as Bill Barr's lying presser ended, because why would anyone read the disloyal lying report?
HBO responded with a statement clarifying that while the network "can understand the enthusiasm for Game of Thrones now that the final season has arrived, we still prefer our intellectual property not be used for political purposes."
Trump even tweeted out a video of himself saying "no collusion" over again, which we're sure he'll insist should have been included by Mueller as exonerating evidence.
Everyone in the Trump administration agreed, today was an EXCELLENT day! Trump told some visiting wounded servicemembers what their sacrifice was all about, explaining he was "having a good day" for one simple reason: "It's called 'no collusion, no obstruction,'" and then he added such an investigation "should never happen to another president," presumably because no other president would ever be so completely exonerated, we guess.
Kellyanne Conway sure had a lot to say about Trump's victory, too! She told reporters today is "really the best day since he got elected," and said she had personally read the entire Mueller report. (Your editrix Rebecca, after four hours, is on page 77. Kellyanne Conway must be VRY SMRT.) She also suggested there's no need for the administration to release any "point-by-point rebuttal" of the report that 100 percent exonerated Trump, adding that just the fact he's still in office is "his greatest rebuttal," which is certainly logic, of a kind.
Now that the report proves Donald Trump is an actual saint, Conway went on, it's definitely time for Adam Schiff to resign, again, and explained the investigation "has been a political proctology exam and the president has been given a clean bill of health." She really has a way with words!
Conway generously offered anyone who had slurred the Great Man, "We're accepting apologies today, too, for anybody who feels the grace in offering them." Yr Wonkette is happy to take her up on that, so here is our apology:
Dear Ms. Conway. We are sorry we ever heard of you. We regret that you have been a public figure in any capacity and we are deeply remorseful that, thanks in part to you, we now live in a world of alternative facts. Please go away. We only like your husband now, and that's temporary. Goodbye.
Yr Editrix adds, "Wow, you guys are being really polite. Mine would be like 'suck my dick, wish it had syphilis.'"
Rep. Mark Meadows offered this stirring defense of Donald Trump's attempts to obstruct justice: Well of course he lashed out at the investigation, because innocent people get angry at their persecutors!
Glenn Greenwald had a great deal of stupid to say about the Mueller Report, but perhaps his most impressive moment of derp was his discovery that Team Trump was even MORE INNOCENT than he had originally expected!
Yr Editrix had to correct the poor fellow, because it is her job.
Alleged goat-romancer Erick Erickson explained that despite the best efforts of the Media to scare all the good people away from serving in the Trump White House, at least the syphilitic idiots he ended up with were still unwilling to let the president do crimes, so hooray for all the excellent ethics!
[There] is a key line in the Mueller report that "The President's efforts to influence the investigation were mostly unsuccessful, but that is largely because the persons who surrounded the President declined to carry out orders or accede to his requests." In other words, the President tried to obstruct justice, but was not successful. For two years, individuals on the left and in the media have routinely engaged in harassment of any competent individual who might want to work for the President. We should be glad this effort at harassment and intimidation was unsuccessful.
Such shining moral exemplars!
Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, offered this very weird defense of the report that when Donald Trump learned a special counsel had been appointed, he exclaimed, "Oh my God, this is terrible! This is the end of my presidency. I'm fucked!" That's exactly what an innocent man would yell, you see, because Jeff Sessions betrayed him!
The report describes President Trump's reaction after Jeff Sessions recused himself and allowed Deep State operatives to open a Special Counsel and attempted coup on the sitting president.
Again, this is simply the only reasonable conclusion, and it means Jeff Sessions should probably be flayed.
We'll close this little roundup with the deeply weird Jack Posobiec, the Pizzagate promoter who is definitely a completely sane human being. Posobiec discovered a near-mystical set of facts at play in today's events!
There may be one or two problems with the analogy, since Pontius Pilate was definitely not Jesus's attorney general, and we really don't recall there being any media in the Gospels. Maybe Posobiec is saying the media are THE JEWS, you think? In any case, it's such a good observation that Don Jr. gave it a "like," and so happy Passover to all!
And now, could it be? It IS your OPEN THREAD!
Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please send us money -- we'll deny any knowledge of your donation when the roundups begin.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.