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Now that most of the Mueller Report has been released, TrumpWorld and its online TrumpSuburbs are declaring victory, never mind the actual contents of the report. Donald Trump and his legal team insisted he'd been totally cleared of everything, because Trump followers will believe that no matter what. And the pro-Trump parts of the internet were spinning furiously, explaining that not quite rising to convictable evidence of criminal conspiracy is exactly the same as innocent victim of a massive witch hunt (the witch is Hillary). While Evan's wrapping up today's portion of liveblog, let's sample the dumbth!


Trump explained his position as soon as Bill Barr's lying presser ended, because why would anyone read the disloyal lying report?

HBO responded with a statement clarifying that while the network "can understand the enthusiasm for Game of Thrones now that the final season has arrived, we still prefer our intellectual property not be used for political purposes."

Trump even tweeted out a video of himself saying "no collusion" over again, which we're sure he'll insist should have been included by Mueller as exonerating evidence.

Everyone in the Trump administration agreed, today was an EXCELLENT day! Trump told some visiting wounded servicemembers what their sacrifice was all about, explaining he was "having a good day" for one simple reason: "It's called 'no collusion, no obstruction,'" and then he added such an investigation "should never happen to another president," presumably because no other president would ever be so completely exonerated, we guess.

Kellyanne Conway sure had a lot to say about Trump's victory, too! She told reporters today is "really the best day since he got elected," and said she had personally read the entire Mueller report. (Your editrix Rebecca, after four hours, is on page 77. Kellyanne Conway must be VRY SMRT.) She also suggested there's no need for the administration to release any "point-by-point rebuttal" of the report that 100 percent exonerated Trump, adding that just the fact he's still in office is "his greatest rebuttal," which is certainly logic, of a kind.

Now that the report proves Donald Trump is an actual saint, Conway went on, it's definitely time for Adam Schiff to resign, again, and explained the investigation "has been a political proctology exam and the president has been given a clean bill of health." She really has a way with words!

Conway generously offered anyone who had slurred the Great Man, "We're accepting apologies today, too, for anybody who feels the grace in offering them." Yr Wonkette is happy to take her up on that, so here is our apology:

Dear Ms. Conway. We are sorry we ever heard of you. We regret that you have been a public figure in any capacity and we are deeply remorseful that, thanks in part to you, we now live in a world of alternative facts. Please go away. We only like your husband now, and that's temporary. Goodbye.

Yr Editrix adds, "Wow, you guys are being really polite. Mine would be like 'suck my dick, wish it had syphilis.'"

Rep. Mark Meadows offered this stirring defense of Donald Trump's attempts to obstruct justice: Well of course he lashed out at the investigation, because innocent people get angry at their persecutors!

Glenn Greenwald had a great deal of stupid to say about the Mueller Report, but perhaps his most impressive moment of derp was his discovery that Team Trump was even MORE INNOCENT than he had originally expected!

Yr Editrix had to correct the poor fellow, because it is her job.

Alleged goat-romancer Erick Erickson explained that despite the best efforts of the Media to scare all the good people away from serving in the Trump White House, at least the syphilitic idiots he ended up with were still unwilling to let the president do crimes, so hooray for all the excellent ethics!

[There] is a key line in the Mueller report that "The President's efforts to influence the investigation were mostly unsuccessful, but that is largely because the persons who surrounded the President declined to carry out orders or accede to his requests." In other words, the President tried to obstruct justice, but was not successful. For two years, individuals on the left and in the media have routinely engaged in harassment of any competent individual who might want to work for the President. We should be glad this effort at harassment and intimidation was unsuccessful.

Such shining moral exemplars!

Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, offered this very weird defense of the report that when Donald Trump learned a special counsel had been appointed, he exclaimed, "Oh my God, this is terrible! This is the end of my presidency. I'm fucked!" That's exactly what an innocent man would yell, you see, because Jeff Sessions betrayed him!

The report describes President Trump's reaction after Jeff Sessions recused himself and allowed Deep State operatives to open a Special Counsel and attempted coup on the sitting president.

Again, this is simply the only reasonable conclusion, and it means Jeff Sessions should probably be flayed.

We'll close this little roundup with the deeply weird Jack Posobiec, the Pizzagate promoter who is definitely a completely sane human being. Posobiec discovered a near-mystical set of facts at play in today's events!

There may be one or two problems with the analogy, since Pontius Pilate was definitely not Jesus's attorney general, and we really don't recall there being any media in the Gospels. Maybe Posobiec is saying the media are THE JEWS, you think? In any case, it's such a good observation that Don Jr. gave it a "like," and so happy Passover to all!

And now, could it be? It IS your OPEN THREAD!

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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