A Children's Treasury Of Doctors And Bleach-Makers Saying DURRRRRRRRR DON'T EAT IT!

We have already released a public service announcement addressed to Fox News viewers and other Trump supporters saying that, despite what the president may have suggested, it is a very bad idea to inject Clorox into your body or open your mouth real wide to eat a tanning bed, so that you may kill your various coronaviruses with bleach and UV rays. And why did we have to release that PSA? Because people are stupid and if they like Trump for some godforsaken reason, they often do what he says.

When Trump and Fox News were obsessed with hydroxychloroquine, like five seconds ago, a couple in Arizona said "hydroxychloroquine? I think we clean the fish tank with that!" and proceeded to eat some fish tank cleaner, which killed the husband. (By the way, speaking of Trump's previous snake oil cure, the cocktail of hydroxychloroquine and azithromycin? The FDA just slapped a new warning on that for COVID-19 patients with heart issues. Which shouldn't be surprising because we've known hydroxychloroquine was an issue for people with heart issues FORFUCKINGEVER ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GOOGLE, MY GOD.)

God only knows what some Trump supporter is currently doing, rifling around under the kitchen sink to see which tile cleaner or stainless steel polish or lighter fluid might have the magic snake oil compound to protect them from the dirty liberal hoax COVIDs. Oh hey, what's in that topical flea killer for the dogs? Anything in there look tasty, Uncle MAGA Breath?

"People will do extraordinary things if you give them the idea," said Dara Kass, associate professor of emergency medicine at Columbia University Medical Center. [...]

"The difference between this and the chloroquine is that somebody could go right away to their pantry and start swallowing bleach. They could go to their medicine cabinet and swallow isopropyl alcohol," Kass said. "A lot of people have that in their homes. There's an immediate opportunity to react."

Yeah, we are serious. We are not just getting in a cheap shot at Trump and Fox News right now. They put "must cook before eating" on frozen pizza boxes because somebody has done it. And, you know, we are talking about Trump supporters and Fox News viewers, and they are dumb as hell.

But alas we are not a doctor, so as yet another public service, Wonkette thought we'd collect some good solid medical advice from doctors who agree that DURRR DON'T EAT BLEACH. Like, oh, we don't know, the Surgeon General of the United States, who felt like for some reason he should, very gently and without angering the president, say that it's not a good idea to shoot up with whatever you find under your kitchen sink to treat or prevent the COVIDs:

Well that was sub-tweety, wasn't it!

FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn was a bit more direct:

I certainly wouldn't recommend the internal ingestion of a disinfectant.

What a buzzkill!

And because we are not a toilet bowl cleaner manufacturer, we thought we'd collect some good solid warning label advice from toilet bowl cleaner manufacturers, who have chosen this moment (can't imagine why!) to say, um, don't eat bleach.

Like the people who make Lysol, a firm called Reckitt Benckiser, they are saying DURRRR DON'T EAT IT.

Due to recent speculation and social media activity ...

LOL "recent speculation and social media activity," that's one way of putting it.

RB (the makers of Lysol and Dettol) has been asked whether internal administration of disinfectants may be appropriate for investigation or use as a treatment for coronavirus (SARS-CoV-2).

As a global leader in health and hygiene products, we must be clear that under no circumstance should our disinfectant products be administered into the human body (through injection, ingestion or any other route).


The American Cleaning Institute (ACI), which represents all the companies that make all the shit under your kitchen sink, adds in a statement that DURRRRR DON'T EAT IT, and helpfully explains What Is "Disinfectant" Anyway?

Disinfectants are meant to kill germs or viruses on hard surfaces. Under no circumstances should they ever be used on one's skin, ingested or injected internally.

Wow. Who knew Big Clorox was also too part of the Deep State conspiring to make Donald Trump look like a fucking idiot?

And what are doctors saying? Well, the New York Timesmight think only "some experts" are saying DURRRRRRR DON'T EAT IT, but actually it is all of them, Katie. BuzzFeed and the Washington Postcollected some.

Look, Grandma Karen, doctor!

Look, Uncle MAGA Breath, the nice emergency management people from Washington state, they say DURRRRR DON'T EAT TIDE PODS:

Look, Grandma Karen, another doctor!

"My concern is that people will die. People will think this is a good idea," Craig Spencer, director of global health in emergency medicine at New York-Presbyterian/Columbia University Medical Center, told The Washington Post. "This is not willy-nilly, off-the-cuff, maybe-this-will-work advice. This is dangerous."




You know, one thing about that story about the couple what ate fish tank cleaner and (half the couple) lived to tell the tale is that we just happen to know about that story because it made it to the press. Imagine all the stories we don't know about.

Of course, the White House says all this is much ado about nothing, because according to Trump's newest fucking dipshit press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, Trump didn't even say what you saw and heard him say on live TV:

On Friday morning, the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said that Mr. Trump's comments were taken out of context by the news media.

"President Trump has repeatedly said that Americans should consult with medical doctors regarding coronavirus treatment, a point that he emphasized again during yesterday's briefing," she said.

Fuck off, Kayleigh.

Meanwhile, Trump is telling people he was just being sarcastic to own the libs or something:

Yeah, about that. We saw the presser, Trump was responding directly to Bill Bryan from Homeland Security, who was giving a book report on disinfecting and UV-raying surfaces and rooms, and Trump, the dumbshit, immediately started talking about how it would be so cool to inject bleach and tanning beds into people's bodies. So fuck off.

To the rest of you, the doctors and the Lysol manufacturers have spoken: Please ignore Donald Trump, and DURRRRRR DON'T EAT IT.

[Reckitt Benckiser statement / ACI statement / New York Times / CNN / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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