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A Children's Treasury of Dumb Quotes About Dismal Holiday Sales

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Christmas card from a hooker in Minneapolis.Congratulations, the War on Xmas is over. And guess who lost? Christmas! And the economy. Especially the economy. Looks like all the 70%-off sales in the world can't squeeze money out of people with no money and no credit. It's almost as if Santa left a lump of shit coal for U.S. Retailers! How many other variations of Seasonal Cliche can we squeeze out of American journalists and economists?


  • "Retailers went from 'Ho-ho' to 'Uh-oh' to 'Oh-no.'" [Wall Street Journal]
  • "Big shopping weekend was ho-ho-hum." [Associated Press]
  • "However, it's a red Christmas for retailers -- as in red ink." [1010WINS]
  • "Ho-ho-hum weekend for struggling city retailers." [New York Daily News]
  • "Data will contain nothing but coal this week." [Marketwatch]
  • "A lump of coal for the holiday sales elf." [AP]
  • "Santa swung a lighter sack this Christmas as shoppers bought less and paid less." [Vancouver Province]
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Cripes the News has been awful lately! And so Yr Editrix suggested we find some good, positive news. Especially after we pitched writing a Wonket about this Mother Jones story on how global warming may be killing the whales, even though Donald Trump knows their prince. (Reply: "Nope. FOR SURE NOT THAT.") And so, as a reminder that a gooder world is possible and apropos of nothing at all that definitely didn't set your Editrix off on Twitter, where she has been stewing and bitching most shrillfully about the 2016 election and the 2020 election and any terrible similarities thereof and thereupon and therefore and thereto, we present a collection of videos of Elizabeth Warren yelling at big banks and calling for them to be broken up and their criminal operators to go to jail. Puppies and kittens will only get you so far, after all.

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

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