In the closest thing to a "Super Tuesday" in this off-year election, a whole bunch of Tea Party candidates did worse than expected against "mainstream" Republicans who had better funding and who all sound like teabaggers now anyway. The biggest win of the night was less of a surprise now than it might have been a couple months back: Senate Minority Leader Mitch "Lord Terrapin" McConnell easily won his Kentucky Senate primary against Louisville businessman andchicken-boxing enthusiast Matt "B'kaww!" Bevin. Looks like institutional money and power are everything they're cracked up to be. McConnell will face Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes in November, and in his victory speech charmingly suggested that she is not a real Kentucky candidate, but a big Fakey McFakerton who will cram Obamacare down your throat, warning, "The people who handpicked my opponent are not on your side.” And so the Charm Offensive begins.

Matt Bevin did not immediately endorse McConnell, although he did promise that he would certainly not support Grimes:

“I have no intention whatsoever in this race or of any other race of supporting the Democrat platform,” Bevin told a crowd of supporters in Louisville. “There is zero chance that the solution for what ails us is going to come from the Democrat Party.”

Bevin's biggest financial backers, the Senate Conservatives Fund, the Madison Project and FreedomWorks, all called for party unity so that Yertle could "defeat extremist Hollywood liberal Allison [sic] Lundergan Grimes this fall,” as Madison Project spokesman Drew Ryun said in a statement, apparently still thinking that Ashley Judd actually ran and won the primary.

Also, too, for what it's worth, SmartPolitics notes that McConnell didn't exactly win a resounding victory:

McConnell's 60.2 percent to 35.4 percent win over his Tea Party-backed opponent was hardly an impressive victory for an incumbent when situated in the context of Kentucky electoral history.

Smart Politics reviewed primary election data over the last century and found that the 60 percent won by Mitch McConnell Tuesday is the lowest support registered by a sitting Kentucky U.S. Senator from either party since 1938.

Still, we bet that running against "Hollywood" is bound to be a winning strategy.

On to other races! In Pennsylvania, the Democratic primary for governor went to self-financed candidate Tom Wolf, who turns out not to be the novelist, so that's a relief. He will face incumbent Gov. Tom Corbett, who Politico punditizes is "one of the most vulnerable Republicans in the country." Also in Pennsylvania, former Rep. Marjorie Margolies lost her bid to return to the House to state Rep. Brendan Boyle. Since Margolies is Chelsea Clinton's mother-in-law, expect a bunch of chicken-entrail-examining on cable news about What This Means for Hillary in 2016. Matt Bevin can bring the chicken.

In Georgia, the best news is that two of the three of the dorks who left the House to run for Senate lost, so their House seats can now be filled by new dorks. Congresscritters Phil Gingrey and Paul Broun both finished with 10% of the vote or less; both represent a potentially serious loss to future Wonkette articles. The top two finishers in the seven-way primary, businessman David Perdue and U.S. Rep Jack Kingston, will compete in a runoff set for July 22; the winner will face Democrat Michelle Nunn. And let's pour one out for poor Karen Handel, the "tea party favorite," who finished third even though she did such a great job of almost wrecking the Susan G. Komen Foundation with her attempt to cut the group's association with Planned Parenthood. We bet she's already warming up for a permanent place on the rightwing speaking circuit; expect to see the descriptor "Fox News contributor" before her name any moment now.

In Arkansas, absolutely nothing you want to read about; incumbent Democratic Sen. Mark Pryor and Republican Tom Cotton were both unopposed and yet somehow managed to win their primaries.

In Oregon, Dr. Monica Wehby won the Republican nomination for Senate; she'll get to run against incumbent Sen. Jeff Merkley. Wehby is in a weird place -- not just the whole state of Oregon -- because of recent allegations of stalking an ex boyfriend and harassing her former husband, which apparently didn't do enough damage to hurt her primary campaign, but could become a serious problem in the general election. Also, too, that former boyfriend contributed heavily to a PAC that ran ads against Wehby's main primary opponent, James Conger, but insisted that no way did he and Wehby ever "coordinate" beteween her campaign and his PAC, because such a thing is just unthinkable.

And finally, in Idaho, boring rightwing Congresscritter Mike Simpson managed to fend off a tea party challenge from even more rightwing Idaho Falls attorney Bryan Smith, who despite an endorsement from the Hair Club For Growth didn't manage to get much traction claiming that Mike Simpson was a scary liberal who would take away your guns, because if there's one thing Idahoans know about Mike Simpson, it's that he's a reliable NRA shill. And in the GOP gubernatorial primary, neither of the Crazy Guys had a chance, but their appearance in the epically weird debate may have helped incumbent C.L. "Butch" Otter win against real-estate guy Russ Fulcher, whose name would have been fun, too. Senator Jim "You're kidding, no such person" Risch also won his primary against someone who managed to be even more obscure.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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