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A Children's Treasury Of Wacky Media Inquiries About Mark Sanford's Sexy Disappearance

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For several days in late June, Mark Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer had just about the worst job ever, having to deal with every national reporter and local legislator asking about Sanford's whereabouts -- which he did not know and could not find out, because Mark Sanford makes sure to turn off his cellphone when he's sexing Argentine Firecrackers, which is always. What hilarious e-mails did Sawyer receive during these mysterious times, from the terrible media, and Stephen Colbert? Thanks to asuccessful open records request from South Carolina's The State newspaper, we now present a Children's Treasury of several!


Ever wonder what intrepid reportorial mind games the Washington Post's Chris Cillizza uses to procure "The Fix" on a daily basis? He just asks, hey, brosef, what up playaaaa?

Stephen Colbert, meanwhile, writes in-character for portions of his media requests, because why not? He also offer to treat the story lightly, because he is a comedian who hosts a comedy show.

Fox News doesn't air comedy shows, however, so its correspondent had to maintain the station's rigorous journalistic ethics in a pitch, which may not even be a pitch, but is still very Objective:

Having known the Governor for years and even worked with him when he would host radio shows for me — I find this story and the media frenzy surrounding it to be absolutely ridiculous! Please give him my best.

More super-objective was the Washington Times staffer's pitch, which was essentially some guy screaming "WE HAVE AN INSANE CONSERVATIVE BIAS IN POLITICS."

A staffer with The Washington Times wrote in an e-mail that “if you all want to speak on this publicly, you’re welcome to Washington Times Radio. You know that you will be on friendly ground here!”

The point is, never send a private e-mail to Mark Sanford's office. Also, don't be an asshole.

Sanford’s office couldn't locate missing governor [The State]

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Donald Trump's presidency has made white nationalism fashionable again. It doesn't help matters that social networking giant Facebook has offered white nationalists a global platform for their hate. Back in May, Motherboard obtained internal documents that revealed how Facebook planned to handle white supremacist content on its site after Charlottesville. It was incredibly stupid.

See, Facebook wouldn't let you post praise of white supremacy as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white supremacist. It would allow you to post praise of white nationalism as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white nationalist. All those tech bros and all those hoodies in the same place and they still couldn't muster the collective brain power to understand that white supremacy and white nationalism are synonymous, by which I mean the exact same thing but with a slightly different arrangement of letters.

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Is Brett Kavanaugh's Evil Twin The Real Attempted Rapist? Maaaaaybe!

Another Pulitzer for Kathleen Parker pls!

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Over this past week, we have heard some fascinating excuses for Brett Kavanaugh having allegedly attempted to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford when he was in high school. Hey, he didn't rape us, said some ladies who knew him. It could have just been horseplay, said his spokesperson Carrie Severino! He wasn't even there, said Orrin Hatch! It totally doesn't matter anyway because he has done enough good in his lifetime that he should get to sexually assault like, one lady, said Dennis Prager! Maybe it was a false memory and she hallucinated the whole thing, said the Dilbert guy!

So many possible options. But something was missing. We didn't know it, but we felt it in our bones. And then, today, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Kathleen Parker dropped it in the Washington Post. What if it wasn't Brett Kavanaugh, she tells us all, very seriously, but rather his evil twin. Or someone who just looked a whole lot like him. Perhaps even this "Bart O'Kavanaugh" we have been hearing so much about.

Let's hear her out!

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