A Letter From Alabama On This Joyous, Roy Moore-less Day!


Despite a bunch of insane caterwauling by his opponent, Senator-elect Doug Jones was indeed certified to be a member of the United States Senate today, while Roy Moore was told in a lightning quick decision by the Alabama courts that he should take up any further bullshit complaints he might have about being a loser with the God who denied him.

This is an admittedly proud moment for all of us, especially those of us here in Alabama who are somewhat more concerned with improving some really terrible truths and conditions in this state and country than with obsessing over with what goes into or comes out of another person’s uterus or butthole.

Now, the couple of weeks between the election and today's certification of Doug Jones was met with a lot of hootin' and hollerin' by the twice-fired and credibly accused sex offending ex-Judge who refused to take no for an answer. Moore has never conceded, and he and his supporters have tried their damnedest to make you people see that he is totally being fraud-screwed by busloads of black people, vans of Mexicans, and a town that does not actually exist in Jefferson County, Alabama.

Roy Moore also submitted an affidavit to the courts as part of his last-minute lawsuit to stop the certification that said he totally passed a polygraph test, even though there was not an actual record of that test submitted, the company he says polygraphed him has had some issues with the IRS and is not registered with the Alabama Polygraph Examiners Board, and the polygraph people didn't even sign the affidavit saying he'd passed: He did. But whatever, Roy still signed a piece of paper that says he swears, and stop talking about how that signature looks just like the one in some girl's yearbook.

Besides defeating Roy Moore, a man what should have never been a candidate for anything other than child molester prison (allegedly), Doug Jones will be the 47th Democratic representative in the Senate, and with the 2 Independents who caucus with the Dems, he edges that body politic to a ratio of 49 to 51 Republicans, and just a little bit closer to being able to check and balance this massive shitshow slash perpetual golf tournament we’ve got going on in the White House, while also eliminating the possibility of Roy Moore being able to introduce legislation that abolishes every amendment in the Constitution after the 10th, or lowers the age of consent to "whenever a little ol' gal's mama gives a grown man permission."

According to his platform, Doug Jones will be coming to Washington DC with some crazy notions about how all people are people, no matter what sex, color, religion, or political party they belong to, and while we might quibble with that last one, Doug Jones says that he also believes that healthcare is a right, science is a real thing, education is important, our prison system is fucked, and that people should not have to have more jobs than there are hours in a day and still be poor. For Alabama this is some real radical thinking and one can imagine that it's going to take some time for people to deal with rationality. But cut us some slack brothers and sisters, for this state has never really tried much in the ways of being reasonable, and getting used to change can be hard on folks who've only had leaders do things the meanest, hardest, and dumbest way possible for its entire existence.

Ever since the glorious election, which we did in fact tell you had a good possibility of happening, and no we are not tired of saying so, some people have been concerned about how Doug Jones will actually behave once he gets to the Capitol, like suddenly he's gonna show up and be all "Haha suckers, I've really lived my whole life one way just to come here and be a completely different person," but you know, let's uh, give Doug Jones a chance...when has that ever been a bad thing?


Today is a very good day in Alabama politics, give us some money to celebrate?

And you come say hey, you were right! @FakaktaSouth

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