A Little Golden Book Of Very Smart Wingnut Takes On Texas Mass Shootings

After yesterday's regular sacrifice of children to the Second Amendment, the Onion has devoted its main page to all 21 times it's had to use its headline "No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens." It's a far more intelligent use of the English language than anything you'd find in rightwing media since the murders, virtually all of which boiled down to explaining why this tragedy had absolutely nothing to do with the roughly 390 million firearms privately owned by Americans. There are 120 guns for every 100 of us, so we suppose that in keeping with the principle of democracy, we ought to let the guns vote. In fact, that may be the only argument Fox News hasn't aired yet. They may be saving it for primetime tonight.

The bad faith takes came hot and heavy, even semi-automatically, you could say. There were old familiar favorites, like "Let's arm the teachers," and some very au courant blends of conspiracy theory with the latest rightwing mania.The shooter was an 18-year-old from Uvalde, but that didn't prevent wingnuts from circulating rumors that maybe he was an undocumented border-jumper (A Florida GOP candidate was "just asking"), or spreading photos of a completely different transgender person and claiming they were the shooter. Actual Congressman Paul Gosar combined the two lies, insisting in a now-deleted tweet that the killer was a "Transsexual Leftist Illegal Alien," and probably a soccer fan, too.

Read More:

Republicans Know How To Stop School Gun Massacres: More Guns

Paul Gosar Probably Real Sorry For Saying Texas Shooter Was 'Transsexual Leftist Illegal Alien'

And from there, things got stupid.

How Dare Joe Biden Politicize A Tragedy By Talking About Preventing More Tragedies?

Tucker Carlson went with the classic, even stodgy technique of pretending to be outraged that someone would dare politicize this terrible event by suggesting we need to change the policies that contributed to it. In his remarks to the nation last night, President Biden said,

The idea that an 18-year-old kid can walk into a gun store and buy two assault weapons is just wrong. What in God’s name do you need an assault weapon for, except to kill someone? [...]

Why are we willing to live with this carnage? Why do we keep letting this happen? Where in God’s name is our backbone to have the courage to deal with it and stand up to the [gun] lobbies?

It’s time to turn this pain into action.

Tucker Carlson was just sputtering mad about that, because it was so undignified, and the guy who complained that immigrants make America "poorer, and dirtier, and more divided" knows from dignified. But golly, Tucker was sad it came to this:


The President of the United States. Frail, confused, bitterly partisan, desecrating the memory of recently murdered children with tired talking points of the Democratic Party.

Dividing the country in a moment of deep pain, rather than uniting. His voice rising, amplified only as he repeats the talking points he repeated for over 35 years in the Senate.

Partisan politics being the only thing that animates him. Unfit to lead this country.

He went on, imagining a much kinder, more respectful America where Biden might have called on Americans to pray for the murdered children and teachers, and for their families, and simply left it there, without that very undignified senile talk about preventing it from happening again. To which, we can only answer, borrowing the words of Rep. Ruben Gallego to Ted Cruz yesterday, "Just to be clear fuck you [Tucker Carlson] you fucking baby killer."

Mark Levin Botches School Prayer Cartoon We Remember From Columbine

Fox News talking bald head Mark Levin explained that we mustn't fall prey to the simplistic thinking that we can ever hope to keep weapons designed to maim human beings out of the hands of 18-year-olds with murderous intent. Instead, he explained, we all need to turn to God, and once we're a godly nation again and have mandatory school prayer again, well, we'd be godly.

I started typing "this sort of horror would never happen again," but no, Levin didn't even promise that.

After some rambling thoughts about how schools should be teaching self defense instead of crazy socialist ideas, Levin sort of got to why we need to establish religious beliefs in the schools:

This is not so easily addressed by politics, "let's pass a law." These lunatics don't really care what laws you passed, and if they had mental health issues they don't even know what laws you passed. It's of no consequence.

I think a little bit more faith would help in the schools and in the public square. It's not such a terrible thing, and yet, we have secularized everything. I think a little bit more respect for the American people in the media rather than bringing on racists, some bigots who push their agenda. Couldn't hurt.

Then Levin explained that, for weirdos who might not be Jewish or Christian, there's no need to be offended by mandatory official religious observances, because after all this is a Judeo Christian nation, silly! We also like how Levin seems to think anyone who isn't a Judeo-Christian must be a refugee, and pretty fresh off the boat, too:

We work to bring our culture together. Not just unite the American people as I said earlier, yes, but we have to — we need to celebrate our culture. We need to celebrate Americanism, we need to celebrate the Judeo-Christian principles that went into the founding of this nation.

And if you're not Jewish, you're not Christian, there's no reason to take offense. You came here, a family member came here because of the nature of the country. You fled. You don't have to be Jewish or Christian but facts are facts. It was founded on a Judeo-Christian belief system which embraces Western civilization and the Renaissance the Reformation, and all these things.

Honestly, if you can't accept that, why did you even stay here, you ingrate?

Again, the very best part of this little speech is that while Levin may have started off intending to call for a spiritual renewal in America as the best way to end mass killings, he never got there. Maybe we'll just love praying in school so much that no one would ever shoot one up. We kind of thought he was headed for this great old cartoon from 1999, but he lost the thread:

Laura Ingraham: Why Did Those Lazy Parents Let Their Kids Get Shot?

Finally, there's Laura Ingraham, who ghoulishly agreed with guest Andre Pollack — the father of a girl murdered in the Parkland, Florida, school shooting — who carefully explained that after all this time, if kids are shot to death, it's the parents' fault for not forcing their schools to be high security fortresses.

I’m so angry by what happened: Andrew Pollackyoutu.be

Pollack said the Texas shooting made him "so angry and practically shaking right now at what happened and what these parents have to deal with." No, not because it's so easy for angry loners to get killing machines, not angry at the gun companies or their GOP enablers, but at the parents who let their precious children be murdered, the fools:

What I advocate a lot – because I get a lot of messages from parents – it’s the parents. It’s your responsibility where you’re send your children to school. You have to know now after these shootings – and every week there’s a shooting, whether it’s at a school or in a supermarket – that you need to check where your kids go to school. You need to go back to school and see. Is there a single point of entry? Do you have guards at the school?

I got a message tonight that made me feel kinda good from someone. They told me, “Thanks.” They thanked me because they listened to me and they took their kid out of public school and put them in a private school because a lot of these private schools, they take security way more serious. So parents, it’s your responsibility where you bring your children. And you have to know.

While he was at it, Pollack explained it was a scandal that the US is sending military hardware and ammunition to Ukraine when we could instead be up-armoring our own schools, the end.

[Joe. My. God / Mediaite / Media Matters]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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