A Post About Devin Nunes By A Guy Who's Seen Seven Episodes Of 'The Americans'

Everybody is distracted by the Michael Cohen outrage and the Trump pulling out of the Iran deal outrage and all the other outrages, but we need to (briefly) talk about Devin Nunes. Because while all those outrages are going on, Devin Fucking Nunes is back there in the background, still being a tool of the Russian Federation, and he needs to fucking cut it out.

The Washington Postreports that Fucking Devin, in his quest to do everything he possibly can to obstruct justice for Donald Trump in the Russia investigations, is literally putting the life of an intelligence source -- someone who's been helping the Robert Mueller investigation -- at risk. An American citizen. This is related to Nunes's quest to extort the Justice Department of ALL THE DOCUMENTS it has, documents Nunes thinks in his tiny mad cow brain will prove that DOJ/FBI are doing a CONSPIRACY!!11!!! to frame Trump of Russia crimes.

And in this case, the Trump White House actually agreed with its own Justice Department, at least until the next person to talk to Trump says something different:

Last Wednesday, senior FBI and national intelligence officials relayed an urgent message to the White House: Information being sought by House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes could endanger a top-secret intelligence source.

Top White House officials, with the assent of President Trump, agreed to back the decision to withhold the information. They were persuaded that turning over Justice Department documents could risk lives by potentially exposing the source, a U.S. citizen who has provided intelligence to the CIA and FBI, according to multiple people familiar with the discussion and the person’s role.[...]

But it is unclear whether Trump was alerted to a key fact — that information developed by the intelligence source had been provided to the Mueller investigation.

As WaPo reports, Nunes has been "publicly vent[ing] his frustration" ever since, threatening to hold Attorney General Jeff Sessions in contempt, because how could he be putting this so called "American" person in danger if his document requests didn't even mention that dude, HUH HUH HUH?

“They are citing spurious national security concerns to evade congressional oversight while leaking information to The Washington Post ostensibly about classified meetings,” he said in a statement to The Post. “Congress has a right and a duty to get this information and we will succeed in getting this information, regardless of whatever fantastic stories the DOJ and FBI spin to the Post.”

We are again reminded of that quote where somebody in the know described Nunes's immense stupidity by saying nobody would ever ask him to bring the potato salad to the MENSA picnic.


Can your pull your dick out of whatever dairy cow you're currently dating (allegedly) and listen to us for a minute? You are literally endangering national security and putting American lives in danger -- at least one specific America life! -- because YOU ARE DOING RUSSIA'S WORK. Which brings us to:

We just happened to start watching the FX show "The Americans," because we are always late to the game on TV shows. But it had been on our list of shows to watch for a long time, because we love spy shows. From more serious shows like "Homeland" to goofy shows that ARE TOO ALSO SERIOUS like "Chuck," if it involves the CIA or NSA or anything like that, it is probably our favorite show.

If you aren't familiar, "The Americans" is set in the later years of the Cold War, during the Reagan era, and it follows the lives and careers of KGB agents who are members of an elite group of Russian spies trained to literally work undercover as regular Americans. They sound more American than you do, they don't speak Russian EVER, they have 2.3 kids and a picket fence, and they blend in to the point that nobody would ever suspect them of being anybody other than Marge and Greg next door, or in the case of "The Americans," Philip and Elizabeth Jennings, who are played by Kevin from "Brothers & Sisters" (Matthew Rhys) and Felicity (Keri Russell). (That casting right there should sell you on this show 100%.)

As we've watched the first few episodes in the past week, we've particularly noticed the character development, because while you are technically on the side of the actual Americans, the ones fighting to root out the KGB -- even if they do have that weird-ass REDS EVERYWHERE! Cold War Reagan syndrome -- you're also getting to know Philip and Elizabeth as people. You're rooting for their marriage. You become sympathetic to their story, and while the show does a good job of showing how savage and evil the KGB was -- is -- at the end of the day, you like these characters anyway.

And it dawned on us -- THIS MUST BE WHAT DEVIN NUNES FEELS LIKE EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. Ever since he worked on the Trump transition team, and maybe before, he's been under the influence of people who are witting or unwitting assets of Russian intelligence, including the president, and it's probably thrown his sad (allegedly) cow-fucking brain all cattywampus! Real Americans are going, "Goddammit, Devin, be a fucking patriot!" But Trump-Americans are going "BUT WOULDN'T IT BE COOLER TO BE A SPY, DEVIN? YOU LOVE PRETENDING TO BE A SPY!"

Nunes got his first real taste back in March 2017 (okay, maybe second taste; see "Trump transition team" above!), when the White House told him it had SEEKRIT AMERICAN INTEL that showed "Obama people" did illegal UNMASKING and WIRE TAPPS to Trump people, and holy shit, this was Devin Nunes's first mission! So he told his Uber driver to pound sand, and like Sydney Bristow (yeah we're mixing our spy shows because fuck off) ninja kicked his way to the White House to get secret White House intelligence, which he immediately shared with the White House, because OMG THE WHITE HOUSE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.

These people under the influence of Russian intelligence needed Devin Nunes. He wasn't just some dumb boy from the gross part of California with a bizarre devotion to a dairy cow named "Gem." He was special. And he believed in the cause! Not necessarily the Russian cause, but the cause of the Russian intelligence asset named Trump. And he's been going on TOP SEEKRIT MISSIONS ever since!

Last year, Barack Obama's CIA director John Brennan testified to Congress that "People who go along a treasonous path do not know they are on a treasonous path until it is too late." Is it too late for Fucking Devin Nunes? We don't know. It's possible that his position as a congressman, a committee chair at that, might give him a bit of a shield.

Or maybe this will go more like the final episode of the past season of "Homeland" -- if you've seen it, you know how things went for Senator Sam Paley, who is also relevant to Devin Nunes's story. If you haven't, then SPOILER WE'RE NOT TELLING.

It's definitely too late for a lot of the people in Trump's orbit. Michael Cohen, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, most of Trump's adult children, Rick Gates, Alex van der Zwaan ... the list goes on and on.

Our point, and there is one, is that Devin Nunes needs to understand that there is a Philip and Elizabeth Jennings in his life, and they are pretty and they are smart and they bring him cow-manure scented candles for when he has to stay in DC too long, away from whatever cow is currently his main squeeze, allegedly. They say he is special. They say nobody else can do what he's doing right now. They tell him he is going to be an American hero. (For real, they tell him that.)

It's not true. Devin Nunes, it is time to become a real American again, before "The Americans" you're working for decide you are expendable, or worse, a liability, and shiv you in the back. Because for real, those are the people you're in bed with, because Putin is a KGB motherfucker from way back.

And no, no matter what they told you, Devin Nunes, they are lying when they say Russia has even sexxxier dairy cows than America does and you can marry all the ones you want.

That's how they getcha!

And now it is your OPEN THREAD!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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