A Shitty Yelp Review For A Trump Resort That Doesn't Exist


SCENE: Early this morning. Yr Wonkette woke up at like 5 AM and flipped on the "Morning Joe," at which point we realized we could sleep another hour and a half if we wanted. So, leaving the "Morning Joe" on, we fell back into sweet slumber, at which point WE HAD A DREAM. Not a wet dream, you perverts! We are not 16 for God's sake. Here is what we remember:

OK so in this dream we were going to some brand new Trump resort that was also Donald Trump's house, as most of his resorts are. We think it was a Trump National Golf Club maybe? Regardless it was in Arkansas, and it was one of those rainy/sunny days where it's storming on you but when you look at the sky it's mostly blue except for patchy storm clouds. So we (and a lot of other people we later figured out were important journalism people like ourselves) got to this big party at Trump's house/resort and he was all dressed down in shorts and a polo and being the HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST, but like in a creepy, predatory way. He was very aware he was surrounded by the fake news media, so he was trying to prove how cool he was and also assert his dominance. As part of this, he LITERALLY BENCH PRESSED YR WONKETTE. Kind of an asshole move, honestly!

In the dream, we did a Facebook check-in at the Trump resort about how Trump had just bench-pressed us, because OMG. We assume our check-in got very many Facebook dream "likes."

While there, we noticed the place was totally tacky new construction and not really luxurious, at least not in any meaningful way. It was kind of nouveau riche, if you know what we mean.

The countertops might have been granite, but if they were, they were the cheap granite. Also they were charging MONEY DOLLARS for the dessert treats all over the counter, we guess because Trump isn't as rich as he says he is, and couldn't afford to provide ice cream for the fake news media at the Arkansas Trump resort that doesn't exist except for in our dream.

Melon Trump was there and she was wearing a nice cream-colored dress and honestly she was way nicer to us than Donald Trump. She didn't bench-press us, for one thing! She was asking good questions and she seemed really disturbed by all the allegations her husband had colluded with Russia to steal the election. She wanted to know what we thought!

Afterward, as we were leaving, we were walking to our car and noticed that, on top of the gauche fake stucco everywhere, there was a MAJOR drainage problem on all the new construction streets in the Trump resort, which means we got water in our shoes trying to get back to the car. Gross, dude. Maybe if you pay your fucking contractors they'll finish the work, for God's sake.

Yelp review for imaginary Trump National Golf Club in Eastern Arkansas: NO FUCKING STARS. Watch out for owner to grab you by the pussy and bench-press you into the air repeatedly to prove what a big man he is. Desserts are four dollars and are almost melted. Entire place flooded.

After we left the party, we (just yr Wonkette, not all the journalists from the Trump party) went to some kind of seaside-looking dive bar in Florida we think, and we had drinks with Barack Obama (HAND TO GOD, THIS IS EXACTLY HOW THE DREAM WENT), who was sweet and kind and dressed for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and he let us snuggle with him and take selfies with him and we posted those on Facebook too, in our dream.

This is the Obama we were drinking with in our dream, except he was the age he is now:

Yelp review for drinking with Barack Obama by the sea: ALL THE SEXXXXY STARS.

There were other parts of the dream but we don't remember them.

Also, recently (a week ago?) we dreamt Kellyanne Conway was a member of our friend group (ugh!) and we had brunch together (UGH!) and that her status as a GOP liar for Trump was something we just laughed about (????). After brunch, she left her keys at the restaurant (because we also did Sunday Funday with Kellyanne Conway we think?) and in our dream WE ACTUALLY WENT AND RETRIEVED HER KEYS FOR HER BECAUSE SHE WAS OUR PAL AND WE WERE OK WITH THIS.

This is the Kellyanne Conway we had brunch with:

Yelp review for being Kellyanne Conway's friend: KILL US NOW.

Do these Trump motherfuckers show up in your dreams, and if so, do you sometimes feel like you should be able to sue for pain and suffering? If so, talk about it, in this, YOUR OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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