A VERITABLE SMATTERING Of News About Cambridge Analytica And All Related Bullshit!

Christopher Wylie, the whistleblower who kicked this all off!

Raise your hand if "data" is the most boringest fucking thing in the world and you really wish Robert Mueller would hit fast forward and tell us what Cambridge Analytica did (and put it IN JAIL) so you never have to read about it again? OH HI, WE JUST RAISED OUR HAND! But ever since last week, when hidden camera investigations and a whistleblower started blowing Cambridge Analytica wide open and exposing what it may have done (with Russia?) to skull fuck the 2016 election for Donald Trump, the news has been A-TRICKLE! with stuff about Cambridge Analytica.

Let's briefly look at some news blips, we guess, and then maybe we'll do this again next week when we have new A-TRICKLES! to report? Sure why not.

The gay vegan pink-haired whistleblower goes to ... PARLIAMENT!

That's right, Christopher Wylie, the former CA employee whose revelations really got this scandal going, is blowing whistles in Parliament! (That is not a gay joke. Or if it is, it's OK because we are also too a "whistleblower," if you know what we mean.)

Um, anyway. Wylie didn't say much at Parliament, except that:

  • The only reason #Brexit happened, you know that little thing that's literally tearing the UK out of the European Union, was because of a bunch of fraud that Cambridge Analytica is right in the middle of. Remember what a shock #Brexit was, just like the Trump "election"? Weird how all the Vote Leave people used one of the wangs of Cambridge Analytica to do their dirty work, huh? Anyway, Wylie literally said the Leave folks only won by "cheating." Reminds us of this one American president!
  • On that note, Wylie said he's pretty sure it's no coincidence that Cambridge Analytica works for all these people and campaigns that seem to have similar purposes. Maybe the right-wing freaks like Robert Mercer and Steve Bannon who fund the thing have some sort of fucked up goal in mind, OH GOLLY YOU THINK?
  • Wylie is very curious to know if Russia stole CA's data, in order to ratfuck the US election from afar. (Or maybe CA gave it to them. Who can say!) He noted it would have been pretty easy, considering CA's Russian researcher Dr. Aleksandr Kogan AKA Dr. Spectre AKA Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, was going back and forth to Russia all the time. They could have stuck a tracking doohickey (sorry for the technical term) in his computer!
  • Wylie is pretty sure the guy who preceded him at CA was murdered in Kenya when one of their campaigns went bad. Is getting murdered bad?

Otherwise, pretty boring testimony!

Mark Zuckerberg guesses he will go to Congress to testify or something.

Since all CA's data was stolen from Facebook, people on both sides of the pond have been calling for Zuckerberg's head on a platter, preferably a platter placed in front of people at Parliament and Congress, so that his head on a platter may do some testifying. Well, he told Parliament to go eat marmite, because they do that anyway, but he guesses he will help Congress, like if he can get a good deal on a plane ticket on Orbitz to fly to DC.

Facebook fixes entire problem by launching time-consuming thingie so you can check to see how many gabillions of giga-tons of your information Facebook has been posting on rest stop walls outside Cape Girardeau.

You can even click a button to make them stop doing that! Click if you have (we're guessing) ten hours to play with your Facebook settings. Don't click if you are pretty much resigned to the fact that shitloads of people have your personal information, like we are.

Oh look, Trump's shithole people at Cambridge Analytica are connected to shithole Trump-loving gay billionaire Peter Thiel.

What? You are surprised? Click the clicky if you want to learn who or what a Peter Thiel data company called "Palantir" is. Refrain from clicking if you would rather do something else.

Donald Trump will murder Cambridge Analytica by going after ... AMAZON!

See, Trump doesn't actually care about the CA revelations. He either knows they stole the election for him, or he's too thin-skinned and weak-minded to handle the truth, so that's just not where his brain is. But according to Axios, he is OBSESSED with murdering Amazon. "Obsessed," according to Axios's sources!

This is because Donald Trump is a blithering fucksack who doesn't actually care about anything besides his own grievances, and Amazon head Jeff Bezos owns the failing Washington Post, and WaPo is mean to him, so he wants to find ways to hurt Amazon.

Cool 'data' stories, Wonkette! Can you post a funny moving picture of a cat playing on a computer to end this thrilling post about 'data'?

Your wish is our command! Haha just kidding, you can't say commands to us, you are not our real dad. But whatever, fine:

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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