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An actual Nazi, one Arthur Jones from the Chicago suburb of Lyons, Illinois, is the only person to file for the Republican congressional nomination in the heavily Democratic 3rd District, a seat currently held by conservative Democrat Dan Lipinski. Happily, there's virtually no chance Jones will win, since, as we say, extremely safe Democratic district. But there aren't even any non-Nazi Republicans running against the 70-year-old former leader of the American Nazi Party. Ever since it was confirmed in 2016 that our planet actually is in the crapsack alternate universe that spacefaring adventurers will find themselves desperate to escape before the end credits, we're no longer entirely surprised by developments like this.

Jones is one of those perennial crank candidates that crop up everywhere; he's previously run seven times for the Republican nomination in that district, but this year is the first time he's been unopposed. He told the Chicago Sun-Times he's as surprised as anyone else.

“And given the fact that I’ve got no opposition in the primary, OK, I win that one (the primary) by default all right,” Jones said during an interview in a coffee shop in Lyons.

Jones says he currently heads up a group with the highly original name the "America First Committee," whose membership is open to anyone as long as they're a "white American citizen of European, non-Jewish descent." If they'd let him run on long enough we're sure he'd have mentioned that he's got a great idea for a new group called the Kool Klux Klan.

Lonnie Nasatir, of the Anti-Defamation League's Chicago-Upper Midwest Region, says Jones has a long list of impressive achievements, like protesting the opening of the Illinois Holocaust Museum and Education Center and promulgating fallacious conspiracy theories about the Nazi genocide. Jones's campaign website features a cheery section with the heading “The ‘Holocaust Racket.’” Says Nasatir,

He has spoken publicly at numerous neo-Nazi rallies and events, expressing xenophobic policies based in racial and religious hatred. He is, by every definition, an anti-Semite and unrepentant bigot.

Jones was in danger of winning the nomination in 2016 as well, but Illinois Republicans managed to challenge enough of his nominating petitions that he was knocked off the ballot. This time around, the state Rs didn't bother running an actual candidate to oppose Jones, but they did at least issue a very firm condemnation of the old Nazi, saying he in no way represents their party. Yr Wonkette understands that a party can't actually forbid some loony from running under whatever party label they want -- Lyndon LaRouche has always run with a "D" after his name -- but we'd like to think that if a Nazi were running as a Democrat, even in the reddest district, we'd be damn sure to find a sacrificial Democrat for the primary. It's an idea.

Once he has the Republican nomination, Jones is almost certain to lose to either Rep. Lipinski or to Lipinski's main challenger, Marie Newman, who's actually running as a Democrat. We'd drop the "almost," but what with this being the universe where our Spock will have a beard, there's still an outside chance of Russian hacking, time-traveling interlopers, or a mutant alien virus that leaves all Democratic voters in the district too obsessed with infighting to see that their only hope is to come together to defeat a common foe, like in "Day of the Dove," where the humans and the Klingons laugh the deadly gaseous low-fi alien away. Why won't we ever learn? Must the crimes of TOS Season 3 haunt us forever?

From his campaign headquarters in the crushed remnants of a Ford Pinto buried 10 feet below a Chicago street, Jones explained he will have to pursue his lonely campaign without help from state or national Republicans, especially not that sell-out Donald Trump. Jones said he now regrets having voted for Trump, who has "surrounded himself with hordes of Jews" like Jared Kushner and that cute Jewess Kushner married.

In other illinois campaign mayhem, state Rep. Jeanne Ives, that nice lady who's running against Gov. Bruce Rauner from the right and thinks crime is caused by fatherless children except if the children are white, has a new campaign ad that makes clear she's no Nazi, because would you just look at this very humorous thing, in which the most despicable people in the world "thank" Bruce Rauner for enabling their many crimes:

You've got a MAN with a hairy face, dressed like a LADY and saying, in a deep mannish voice, "Thank you for signing legislation that lets me use the girls’ bathroom." Haw Haw! And then a young wastrel millennial gal in a pussy hat says, "Thank you for making all Illinois families pay for my abortions," and a guy who's dressed in what a Republican reading Breitbart figures must be an antifa super-soldier uniform says, "Thank you for opposing law enforcement and making Illinois a sanctuary state for illegal immigrant criminals." He's carrying a neatly printed sign that says "MAKE ILLINOIS A SANCTUARY STATE," because as everyone knows, those dangerous Anarchists are all about going to Kinko's. We'll assume Ives's campaign made the advocate for dangerous illegal immigrants a red-haired white guy because either 1) they thought showing a Latino actor raping a white gal was too racist even for them, or B) they wrote it that way and couldn't find any Latino actors who'd take the job. There's also a black lady, although the worst thing the ad does with her is depicting her as a member of a teacher's union.

So anyway, it's nice of Jeanette Ives to make that ad to tell us she's not a Nazi, just an ordinary rightwing Republican. You can tell, because there's not one single swastika in the ad.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to pay for all our many abortions and our neatly pressed Antifa costume.

[Chicago Sun-Times / WaPo]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

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Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

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