Adam Schiff Announces House Intel Plan To F*ck Trump-Russia F*ckers The F*ck Up

Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Cows), the former chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, did not seem to be in a very good mood when he left this morning's first meeting of the committee in the new Congress, now that a grown-up named Adam Schiff who isn't compromised is chairman:

LOL OK, Devin, go nurse on one of your therapy cows if you're so upset. (Wonkette, as usual, is not sure either way whether or not Devin Nunes has therapy cows, love cows, or even just long-distance penpal cows. It's just one of those unknowable things, like whether or not God exists.)

Anyway, what's up his ass? Oh, just maybe that the committee met and the first order of business was to vote to send all the transcripts from the softball interviews House Intel did with Trump-Russia criminals in the last Congress -- you know, when Fucking Devin was obstructing justice as chairman -- directly to Robert Mueller, so he can thumb through them and see how fast he can find a million lies to prosecute.

Nunes had just been asked if he personally voted to send all those transcripts to Mueller, and that made him lash out at ... reporters! Naturally!

How many testimonies is Mueller getting? Over 50! How many pages of lies is that? THOUSANDS. As we've noted recently, Mueller seems more than willing to tack on extra charges for lying to Congress, as he's done with Michael Cohen and more recently Roger Stone. We've also noted that this means shit is probably about to hit the fan for some Trump people, who thought they could just go into House Intel and other committees and lie with impunity. (Erik Prince? Donald Trump Jr.? Jared Kushner? Might wanna watch through your peepholes for federal agents!)

Schiff also issued a press release outlining what the House Intel Committee plans to do with its Russia investigation, which is now open again, after Devin Nunes ended his fake investigation last year and gave Trump and his all his friends 'n' family a clean bill of health. One thing Schiff announced is that not only is Mueller getting the transcripts, YOU are getting transcripts, and YOU are getting transcripts, and hey, look under your seats, because EVERYBODY GETS TRANSCRIPTS!

"The Committee also plans to release to the public all investigation transcripts, as it is committed to providing the American public with greater transparency and insight into Russia's operations and the U.S. government's response. To protect ongoing investigative interests and information that remains classified, the Committee will release transcripts in a manner and according to a timetable that allows continued pursuit of important leads and testimony, while ensuring that the American people have faith in the process and can assess for themselves the evidence that has been uncovered, while legitimate national security interests continue to be protected.

So that should be fun!

Schiff detailed "five interconnected lines of inquiry" that will constitute the focus of the new Committee investigation, since Nunes's investigation was such a laughingstock un-American shitshow:

That all sounds fairly normal and regular, but please focus on number five real quick:

Whether any actors – foreign or domestic – sought or are seeking to impede, obstruct, and/or mislead authorized investigations into these matters, including those in the Congress.

ANY actors. Whether ANY actors -- foreign or domestic! -- sought, OR ARE SEEKING, to impede, obstruct, and/or mislead authorized investigations into these matters, including those in the Congress.

We are just guessing that might include domestic actors who stomped out of the House Intel Committee this morning and yelled at reporters because they were so mad right now, people who may or may not be the ranking member of the House Intel Committee.


Meanwhile, in a move we aren't sure how to interpret just yet, Adam Schiff alsorescheduled Michael Cohen's upcoming closed door testimony to the committee, which was supposed to happen Friday, for February 28. Cohen is supposed to report to prison on March 6, so we don't know what's happening, but Schiff said he's doing it "in the interest of the investigation." SO THAT'S OPAQUE.

Wonder if this has anything to do with it:

Marcy Wheeler notes that this is a Mueller investigation filing, not an SDNY filing, so ... sorry, STILL OPAQUE! But maybe there's more coming down the pike for poor Michael Cohen. (SAYS WHO?)

Anyway, the point is that the House Intelligence Committee is back in business, and it's about to fuck all these fuckers the fuck up, so help them God, in Jesus's holy and true name, Amen.

UPDATE: Now we are hearing that the sealed doc on Cohen was filed wrong. We don't know if this means it wasn't supposed to be filed in the first place or was filed in the wrong docket or what, so we're still going to go with SAYS WHO and HEY, THAT'S OPAQUE

Feel free to carry on with your business!

[Schiff press release]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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