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Afghanistani Bigfoot Takes Heroic Senators Hostage!

AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK, ABROAD: "Helicopters carrying three senior U.S. senators made emergency landings Thursday in the mountains of Afghanistan because of a snowstorm." Good sweet Jesus Christ God, how is America going to survive -- we lost Joe Biden, John Kerry and Chuck Hagel to the ancient snows of the barren hinterland and its devilish tundra camels. Fortunately, Barack Obama FLEW LIKE SUPERMAN to this valley of ice monsters, swooped the foppish Senators away and whisked them to safe harbor. Again: Barack Obama has saved three senators from Taliban Bigfoot. [AP/Breitbart]

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I was in D.C. last week for the first time since Donald Trump proved that our electoral process is silly. It feels like Vegas now with all the images of Trump around. Then I remembered he has the same job as the guy in the Jefferson Memorial. I tried to rationalize it in my head: Jefferson had unprotected sex with enslaved women. Trump reportedly has unprotected sex with adult film stars who can more or less come and go as they please. I suppose that's an improvement.

But how did we get here? How did our institutions fail us? It's not so much that Trump is an unqualified, racist radish head. He's also ridiculously corrupt.

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How can people be THIS BAD at their jobs?!?!? Did the State Department's social media team really schedule a live discussion of "traveling with kids" while the media is showing babies snatched at the border and imprisoned in cages?

OH. MY. GOD.

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