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Family Values kinda guy


Ralph Shortey is a former GOP state senator in Oklahoma who recently pleaded guilty to child sex trafficking after he was caught in March at the Super 8 Motel in Moore, Oklahoma, with a 17-year-old boy he wanted to pay for sexual "stuff." Shortey also originally caught child pornography charges, but those were dropped as part of his plea deal. He will spend at least 10 years in jail for his crimes.

Previously, Shortey was Wonkette famous in 2012, for being the only hero in America ready and willing to protect America from the abortionists who want to fill our snack cakes and our processed meats with fetuses, because OBVIOUSLY. In the past, he pushed for open carry laws, to protect Oklahomans from wild turkeys. (For real.) We guess wild turkeys know what's up when they see a good guy with a gun, but not so much if the good guy's piece is concealed. He is a birther, and also he hates immigrants. He seems nice!

We bring all this up because the Moore Police Department has released body cam footage of its March encounter with Shortey at the Super 8 and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE T-SHIRT HE IS WEARING:

You see that? It has a sandwich on it, and also some colorful hearts for some reason. Below the sandwich, it says "now go make me a sandwich." Above the sandwich, it says "EPHESIANS 5:22," to let you know this is not only a sexist pig shirt being worn by a traditional values guy in a hotel room with an underage boy he wants to pay for sex, but it is a BIBLE SHIRT.

This is Ephesians 5:22:

GET YOUR ASS IN THE KITCHEN, BITCH!

Just kidding, that is just something a sexist redneck guy might say to his Christian wife, because trying to bang underage boys in motel rooms has made his tummy rumble. This is Ephesians 5:22:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

LOL, we were right the first time. AND MAKE THE LORD A SANDWICH TOO, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!

Now, we must quickly (very quickly) do a little Bible lesson to your heathen faces. You see, conservative evangelical men fucking love that verse, and they quote it as if Jesus just stuck it in the Bible without any context, to excuse their shitty behavior toward their wives. There is more to the passage, though:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church -- for we are members of his body.

Now, is it still a wee bit retrograde? Surely, ayup, you bet! But it's not the simple "get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!" message Ralph Shortey's biblically illiterate perv ass thinks it is. Indeed, if Shortey had been loving his wife as much as he loved his own body and feeding her (maybe sammiches!) and caring for her needs, LIKE THE FUCKING BIBLE INSTRUCTS, he probably wouldn't have been at the Super 8 with that young boy that night trying to amuse his dumb dick.

We are just saying, and know who else is saying? THE LORD IS JUST FUCKING SAYING.

Thus endeth the lesson.

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[KFOR.com / Ephesians 5:22-33]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to www.famoushotels.org.

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.



In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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