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He's baaaaack! It's Roy Moore's superstar lawyer Trenton Garmon. When last we left Trent, he was congratulating Ali Velshi on his "diverse background" and threatening to sue Alabama's newspapers for saying mean words about Roy Moore, Man of God™. And hating on the gays! As you can see from Garmon's photo, he is 100% committed to the heterosexual lifestyle!

After AL.com's editors finally stopped laughing at Garmon's demand that they cease and desist forthwith henceforth and hereafter, they sat down with their lawyers and crafted this fine BISHWA Letter published by Erik Wemple at WaPo.

Guess AL.com won't be printing that retraction after all. Sad! Trent, did you skip the third week of law school where the torts professor explains that you have to prove actual malice for defamation of a public figure? Because you can't just jump up and down shouting,

Your client's organization has made and/or supported defaming statements. This is due to the careless and/or intentionally refused to advance the truth regarding our clients. We also believe that your client, by and through its agents, have damaged out clients by being careless in how they handle headlines and report the contextual of the allegations.

Well, okay. You can shout whatever crazy, illiterate shit you want. But then the Post is going to dunk on you for being a rube what can't words good and graduated from an unaccredited law school.

Your letter goes on to say that AL.com's reporting has harmed Mr. Moore's reputation. Mr. Moore, however, has quite a colorful past that long-preceded any of AL.com's recent coverage of your clients. Moreover, much of the information that you claim harmed Mr. Moore's reputation had already been published by those who knew him personally and reported by other media outlets. In other words, any damage to Mr. Moore's reputation was self-inflicted and occurred long before AL.com's recent reporting.

See, you can't ruin a man's reputation if everyone in town already knows he's a perv who creeps on teenagers. Which you would realize, Trent, if you hadn't skipped torts class to stay home and watch "Designing Women!" PROBABLY.

Were you there in CivPro when they talked about Rule 11 motions, or was "Some Like It Hot" on right then?

For these and other reasons, we strongly believe that any lawsuit of the type you threaten would be frivolous, and could not be brought in good faith. Should your clients nevertheless decide to pursue this matter further, AL.com will vigorously defend itself, and will employ all available remedies, including a Rule 11 motion if warranted.

Pssssst, Trent! They're threatening to ask the court to sanction you for bringing a frivolous lawsuit. Sanction means punish, like that time you weren't allowed to practice law for three months when you harassed the family of a dead child to let you represent them.

But if you really are crazy enough to sue, Trent, AL.com's lawyers would like to remind you that it's illegal to destroy evidence in a civil lawsuit. For some reason, they aren't 100 percent confident that you're clear on how discovery works, and they don't want you to slip and slide something into the shredder.

These include, but are not limited to, all materials and information related to Mr. Moore's history of romantic relationships or physical encounters (whether consensual or not); your clients' fundraising, compensation, and finances; and Mr. Moore's speaking engagements, travel arrangements, and other expenses. As you know, failure to preserve any such materials may expose your client to sanctions.

Actually, you seem like a guy who'd wind up electrocuting himself on the copier, so maybe you should steer clear of complex machines like a paper shredder altogether.

But don't get to feeling down, little buddy. Maybe the practice of law isn't for you. Hey, cheer up, though! You can always go back on Hollywood Squares. You were awesome there!

[WaPo / AL.com response letter, via @ErikWemple Twitter]

Wonkette is ready for whatever this crazy week brings thanks to readers like you. Clickety click, please!

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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