​Alabama Not So Sure About Doug Jones, Might Give The Accused Kid-Toucher Another Look

It seems like lifetimes ago, because it probably was, because time has no meaning in the hellscape in which we live 24 hours a day, but a while back Alabama elected a Democrat named Doug Jones to be its senator. They had a big GOP primary for the special election to fill Jeff Sessions's old seat, and despite how there was a relatively normal GOP person in the run-off, Luther Strange, who was already serving as the appointed senator, they instead chose certifiably batshit professional victim Taliban Jesus ranger Roy Moore as their nominee. When they found out Moore might have a wee kid touching problem, or at least used to might, back when he was a fully grown man 10 years out of college who perved all over high school girls, ALLEGEDLY -- he was a real charmer, unless you were trapped in his car after your shift at the diner, ALLEGEDLY -- they just doubled down and decided all those accusers were fake news, probably paid by the Washington Post.

And so it was that, by the hair of its chinny-chin-chin, Alabama had a special election where voters turned the fuck out for the Democrat Doug Jones.

A new Mason-Dixon poll takes the pulse of how Alabama is feeling about that decision and what it might do in 2020, when Jones is up for re-election to a full term. You want to just start drinking, or do you want to read the rest of this post? Because while Jones has a 45 percent approval rating (44 percent disapprove, 11 percent have no idea what goddamn day it is), a solid 50 percent say they want to put a Republican back in Jones's seat. This being Alabama, that's not a gigantic surprise.

And whom would Alabama Republicans like to stick in there?


No, really.


Now there is good news and there is bad news. The bad news is that it's really early, and Alabama Republicans' affections might turn toward a less chickenfucking insane candidate once the campaign gets in full swing. Does anybody seriously think the current rankings in the Democratic primary are actually how things will shake out? Nah. So there's that. And that would be bad news for Doug Jones because Alabama is still blood red and ... yeah.

BUT THEY MIGHT STICK WITH ROY. Especially if Jeff Sessions stays out of the race. And that is the good news. Or the "good" news.

2020 will be a presidential election year, where turn-out will be super high, especially in the year we (pray to God) all show up to drop-kick Donald Trump into oblivion and out of the Oval Office. And in that case, Democrats might have a shot in hell of actually holding on to that seat. In Alabama. Just like happened in the special election.

Or maybe they'll pick the (ALLEGED!) kid toucher this time, because you just never know how a common Alabamian approaches decisions like Kid-Toucher (ALLEGEDLY!) vs. Deep State Liberal Agenda FOAOC. (Friend Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. It's pronounced "FOOOOOOOOAOACK.")

The point of this post was to let you know that, even if you thought there was good news happening somewhere in the world, you were wrong. OR WERE YOU? Guess we'll just have to watch and see what kind of wise choices Alabama makes this time around, yes, we said "wise choices" and "Alabama" in the same sentence, what a joker we are.

[Mason-Dixon poll]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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