Alabama Secessionist Rally Was Hilarious Failure. Please Point And Laugh
If you woke up this morning thinking, "Golly gee, I sure do hope Alabama's secessionist movement is going well, because fuck them is why," BAD NEWS. There was a rally in the state capital of Montgomery, and NOBODY SHOWED UP. Okay fine, a FEW people showed up, but it was like the organizers and their moms:

More than 300 people were expected at the Alabama Flaggers Secession Rally, according to group co-director Freda Mincey-Burton and the event’s Facebook page. On the steps of the Capitol on Saturday, attendance peaked at 30 people — including event organizers — and rain showers after the first hour of the event sealed it as a failure. The five-hour rally ended after about two hours.

“This is really shocking me that these people aren’t here,” said Mincey-Burton.

Okay, see, Freda? You just sound butthurt and sad. And you need to understand something about Facebook events. Lots of people just click on things like "Oh sure, I'll go to Barney's garage sale, and oh look Freda, that weird lady who friended me even though we have no mutual friends and she seems like a racist asshole, she invited me to a thing, I guess I'll click it, she seems lonely." That's what happens. Nobody was ever planning come to your thing. (They went to Barney's garage sale.)

Okay, cool, we'll take all the tax moneys that pay for your state to exist. Fair? This is not Freda, by the way.

Mincey-Burton's codirector and hus-bear Justin Burton says he understands why people are reluctant to show up to his "let's secede from America" rallies:

“Getting the majority is the biggest obstacle,” Burton said. “People don’t understand secession and are scared. They don’t know what is involved, and all they see is civil war.”

Mincey-Burton and her husband Justin said their group is not a radical or racist group. Mincey-Burton pointed to work done building monuments for Confederate soldiers in Gadsden and the state of Mississippi. She said the push for secession stems from the country “treading on” Southern heritage in the wake of the Charleston shooting and subsequent removal of the Confederate flag from the public eye.

Or maybe they're patriotic Americans and they don't like traitors, MAYBE IT IS THAT, Justin and Freda? Maybe most Americans have a few things to do in their lives and don't have time to whine like babies about how people are "treading on" their sad racist traitor flag, which should have been burned long ago.

This is Freda. Her Facebook friends hate her.

But they're like NOOOO, you are trying to make our history go away:

The Civil War happened, and there’s not anything anybody can do to sweep it under the rug,” Mincey-Burton said. “Taking the battle flag down, taking statues of Robert E. Lee down, that’s like taking George Washington out of the Revolutionary War. This happened. Face it, and get over it.”

She is correct. It happened. George Washington won the Revolutionary War, and Robert E. Lee, the traitor, lost the Civil War. That's two wins for America, if you're keeping score. Face it, and get over it.

This guy says it's not fair because the Constitution said he could form a militia but guess his militia's too big a pussy to overthrow America :(

Here's one more funny thing about this failure of a "rally." Two of the dudes who came don't even WANT to secede. They're just dumb fuckin' racists, but at least they don't support treason like Justin and Freda:

Thomas Taunton, a Montgomery resident, and James Perry, of Macon County, do not support the secession of Alabama and were only present to rally for the right to preserve Confederate history.

“It’s not a slavery flag. It’s not a racist flag,” Taunton said. “It’s to represent our forefathers who died fighting for the Confederacy, and we stand beside them.”

And these two, well, let's just say they're tired of The Blacks always getting to have the history and write the history books, whereas finding information about white history is goddamned impossible:

“People have been brainwashed on how to think about this flag,” Perry said. “There are 24 million blacks in this country. There’s 82 million descendants of Confederate soldiers in this country. Why do we have to listen to their heritage all the time? Every time Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King broke wind, (the media) reports it, and it’s on the front page. There’s not a sign down here commemorating the Confederacy, and it was born here.”

Approximately eleventy-billion streets in the South are named after confederate traitors, boys, and they all have street signs. Now, we know it's real hard to find them, what with how all the street names have been covered up with Rosa Parks Farted Drive, but they're there, we promise. And also, really, guys? REALLY? We have lived in the South our entire life and you can't go a mile without seeing SOMETHING that reminds you of the Confederacy, even if it's just hillbillies like you doing your best People Of Walmart impression.

Finally, the League Of The South was there, that hate group full of glorious fools, and that's about all we have to say about this failure of an event, The End.

These girls are listening to the guy from the League of the South hate group talk about how bad southern education is. They would never understand why yr Wonkette laughed out loud during this part.

[USA Today]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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