Alabama Secretary Of State Talks Election Security With Traveling Pillow Salesman

Conspiracy theories
Alabama Secretary Of State Talks Election Security With Traveling Pillow Salesman

This weekend Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill met with our nation's foremost election security expert to discuss the safety of the Yellowhammer ballot. That's right, he sat down with the Pillow loon and let him scream droplets into his face at close range.

What amount of money would it take for you to sit maskless across the table from that nutbag Mike Lindell? Quite aside from the wisdom of giving official sanction to this charlatan, it's grossly irresponsible for elected officials to be appearing maskless and in a closed room with visitors from other states. Particularly when the state's hospitals are still overwhelmed with COVID patients and the only state with a lower rate of vaccination than Alabama is West Virginia.

But whatever germs he did or did not bring with him, Mike Lindell was there in his regular capacity as a superspreader of election misinformation. Preaching the gospel of pillows and PCAPs, Lindell promised to "audit" the state's voter rolls to see if there were any dead people casting ballots. Which sounds nefarious, but if that freakshow wants to cough up $37,000 just to embarrass himself some more — that's a penny per record for every registered voter in the state — he can have at it.

"We know we don't put people on the voter rolls unless they're qualified to be on the voter rolls," Merrill told

Lindell also made claims about the vulnerability of Alabama's voting machines to hackers, although without presenting any evidence, as is his wont.

"He still believes there's a potential to hack some equipment, even though we assured him none of our equipment is connected to the internet," Merrill said, according to, pointing out that Alabama's machines don't even have modems.

"You can't impact any of our equipment that way, but he believes it's possible to hack into our system, so he's going to run some tests," he added.

Ah, yes, Mike Lindell and his tests. He is very good at the cyber and will definitely deliver the goods. You know, unless he's thwarted again by Antifa armpit ninjas.

After a productive meeting with the SOS, Commander Pornstache headed down the hall for a grip and grin with Gov. Kay Ivey. Because Republicans have lost their damn minds and refuse to tamp down these fraudulent claims of fraud, even after our seat of government was literally attacked by crazy people who buy into that shit.

Indeed, Merrill refused to say whether he believes President Joe Biden was legitimately elected, although he insisted his state's ballot was totally secure.

"I know that our election administration is the best in the nation," he said, going on to congratulate himself on having passed the Mike Lindell Gooder Electioning Test. "As far as our state's concerned, we moved light years ahead of where we were in his mind before he came to Alabama today."

We are sooooooooo fucked.

By the way, if you are wondering how much of an idiot a secretary of state would have to be to sit with the MyPillow guy exchange these kind words with him, take a moment to remember who the Alabama secretary of state is. Do the words Less Buttsex, More "Gunsmoke" ring any longtime Wonkette readers' bells?

He's a winner.



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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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