Alan Dershowitz, A Schmuck

There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

More to the point, what the hell is he even saying here?

There are thousands of people today in jail before they've been convicted of any crime. Many of them minorities, many of them poor. Now Paul Manafort joins them based on an indictment. And indictments are not supposed to have any real impact. We still have presumption of innocence. Under the law, Manafort is no more guilty of contacting witnesses or attempting to obstruct justice than any of us.

O RLY? Alan Dershowitz is joining the fight against pre-trial detention? Did the bronzed braintrust know they were inviting a Social Justice Warrior to join them on the leather couch? No wonder they made him call in from a fish bowl!

Yes, it is to America's everlasting shame that we have over half a million people locked up without any determination of guilt.

Graphic via Prison Policy Initiative

We set bail without regard for a defendant's ability to pay, and we spend hundreds of millions of dollars jailing people who pose no danger at all to their communities. And if you live in Maryland Districts 11 or 23B, your chance to get rid of Delegates Bobby Zirkin and Joseph Vallario -- the second- and third-highest recipients of bail bondsmen's campaign contributions in the entire country -- is coming on June 26. Why does little Maryland receive almost as much in bail bond campaign cash as California or Florida? DUNNO! We should get Dersh on that ASAP!

But we digress! Because Alan Dershowitz is only invoking those unjustly incarcerated brown dudes to pretend that poor Paul Manafort has been thrown in jail based solely on the indictment. And Alan Dershowitz knows that's total horseshit.

Last week, Paul Manafort was a free man -- albeit one who had turned millions of dollars in assets over to the federal courts and was sporting a set of matching ankle bracelets. Do poor brown dudes get to spend the night in their own beds when they are indicted for all the crimes? NO, THEY DO NOT. So it is stunning chutzpah for Dershowitz to pretend that poor Paul Manafort was railroaded by an unjust legal system. The guy had every advantage of race and class. All he had to do was quit criming for a hot second. And he couldn't even do that!

Paul Manafort is in jail because he was a goddamn idiot who allegedly sent WhatsApp messages coaching witnesses in his own trial, and saved the messages to his own iCloud. That's "bless our hearts and other parts"-level stupid.

And we expect this illiterate dipshit to pretend that Manafort was "sentenced."

But not a guy who taught at Harvard Law School for fifty years! Judge Berman Jackson had "probable cause to believe that [Manafort] has committed a Federal, State, or local crime while on release" -- i.e. obstruction of justice and false statements to the FBI -- and that's why he's going to jail. Which Alan Dershowitz knows goddamn well. So he needs to close up his laptop and knock off that live webcam porn show he puts on in his attic for the drooling morons at Fox.

Seriously, Zaydie! This is a shandah, and it's fucking beneath you!

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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