ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT UPSET LARRY DAVID IS UPSET
Uh oh everybody sounds like Alan Dershowitz got panty-dropping mad at Martha's Vineyard again, or maybe he wasn't mad, maybe it was "Curb Your Enthusiasm" guy Larry David who got mad at Alan Dershowitz on Martha's Vineyard, ALAN DERSHOWITZ WAS NOT MAD, OK, but the point is this is another story about how everybody on Martha's Vineyard hates Alan Dershowitz, because he's garbage.
We guess this was the other big thing that was happening on Martha's Vineyard at the same time as when Barack Obama was getting bare-bottomed birthday spankings from the crown prince of Spain, or whatever he does for "birthday."
Page Six reports that Alan Dershowitz was at the general store, where he was wearing TWO (2) SHIRTS, which surprises us because of how he is a well-known NoShirts McNoPants, by which we mean a nudist. But we guess he makes allowances for when he's in public, in Martha's Vineyard.
And anyway, so Alan Dershowitz was at the general store, and Larry David was at the convenience store, and they had WORDS and Alan Dershowitz ended up ripping one of his shirts off, because that's just what happened, OK?
Here is the dialogue, as reported by Page Six's source:
Dershowitz: "We can still talk, Larry."
David: "No. No. We really can't. I saw you. I saw you with your arm around [Former Trump Secretary of State Mike] Pompeo! It's disgusting!"
Dersh: "He's my former student [at Harvard Law]. I greet all of my former students that way. I can't greet my former students?"
If Alan Dershowitz can't touch his former students who can he touch?
David: "It's disgusting. Your whole enclave — it's disgusting. You're disgusting!"
Added the stunned source, "Larry walks away. Alan takes off his T-shirt to reveal another T-shirt [underneath it] that says, 'It's The Constitution Stupid!'."
We're told Dersh "drove off in an old, dirty Volvo."
Literally Dersh performatively took off one of his T-shirts to reveal another T-shirt? One with a punchline on it? That was just ready for him to use against ... Larry David?
So that's the account from Page Six's source. Page Six of course talked to Dershowitz, who made it even weirder. Dersh explained to Page Six about how he and Larry David have always been friends, and Dersh has always been nothing but wonderful to Larry David, and that's why their convo started so weird, like "We can still talk, Larry."
Dershowitz told us that, while it might sound on paper like an awkward scene from "Curb," "it wasn't funny at all."
The professor claimed that David "screamed" and "yelled" at him, and that his face turned bright red. "I was worried that he was going to have a stroke," said Dershowitz.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT MAD ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS CONCERNED FOR HIS FRIEND.
[H]e said he's disappointed that David can't understand why he'd work with any administration on peace for Israel, regardless of who was occupying the Oval Office.
"While he was writing bad jokes, I was helping to bring about peace in the Middle East," Dershowitz told us, "What has he done?"
ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT MAD ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS JUST DISAPPOINTED AND ALSO WAY FAR UP HIS OWN ASS.
"Larry is a knee-jerk radical," Dershowitz told Page Six, "He takes his politics from Hollywood. He doesn't read a lot. He doesn't think a lot."
ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT MAD ALAN DERSHOWITZ JUST NEEDS TO FEEL INTELLECTUALLY SUPERIOR.
"It's typical of what happens now on the Vineyard," he added later, "People won't talk to each other if they don't agree with their politics."
Dershowitz said that David isn't the only friend he's lost — particularly after he defended Donald Trump over his first impeachment when the President was accused of trying to arrange a quid pro quo with the Ukrainian government.
Yes, we know, we've been hearing the whining about this for a while now.
"That's the price of principle," he said. He later said that his "principles require" that he defend the Constitution, and that he felt that the first impeachment of Trump was unconstitutional.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT MAD ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS JUST PRINCIPLED.
He told us that that's why he removed his second t-shirt after the run-in to reveal the one that read "It's the Constitution, Stupid!," which he said his wife bought him because so many people misunderstood his decision to defend Trump. (He said he was wearing two t-shirts at the time of the incident because he was on his way to meet a friend when he ran into David, and he had been planning to give the outer t-shirt to his pal as a gag gift.)
ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT MAD ALAN DERSHOWITZ JUST HAD A PLANNED COSTUME CHANGE.
We could do this all day so we'll just stop now. Dersh does say he's willing to talk to Larry David about this, if Larry David is willing to be mature about it:
"I won't get into a screaming match with him. If he wants to scream, he'll have to scream alone."
ALAN DERSHOWITZ IS NOT SCREAMING LARRY DAVID IS SCREAMING
OK, the end.
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