Part-Time First Lady Is Most 'Bullied' Person In Entire History of Bullying
When Melania Trump announced her BS Be Best initiative, we kind of wondered, "What's the point?" Most people, with the notable exception of Melania's own husband, think cyberbullying is a bad thing. But what specifically compelled Melania to choose this cause as the one a low-level staffer would manage about 90 percent of? Turns out it was personal.
During an exclusive interview with ABC News, the same one where she said #MeToo victims needed "hard evidence" for their claims, Melania claimed without evidence that she is "the most bullied person in the world."
Her interviewer, Tom Llamas, who got a free trip to Africa out of the whole deal, couldn't even let this self-serving nonsense pass unchallenged.
"You're really the most bullied person in the world?" [Llamas] asked during the exchange.
"One of them, if you really see what people saying about me," [Melania] said.
Jesus H.! She can't even commit to how bullied she is. Although, by her definition, Llamas just bullied her into admitting she wasn't all that bullied. I know she's upset that people have criticized her curious choice to traipse around Africa wearing pith helmets and Indiana Jones villain attire. But she's a public figure and honestly, the worst that's been said about her would feel at home in a Johnny Carson "Tonight Show" monologue from the 1980s. Michelle Obama is still the subject of racist memes and she's not even married to the president anymore -- although, it wouldn't surprise me if Donald Trump was down with the potential upgrade.
Chelsea Clinton was only the first daughter but her adolescent appearance was often cruelly ridiculed. Even as she enters middle age, assholes on Twitter think it's "funny" to compare her to the kid from the movie Mask. If anyone's getting the Faberge egg treatment, it's Melania.
Melania's pity party actually makes her Be Best crusade less absurd. It's all about her. If she actually cared about the impact of bullying, she might notice that her husband routinely mocks sexual assault survivors, hurls racial epithets at sitting women senators, and threatens to imprison random women he doesn't like. That's just when he's at one of his campaign rallies. On Twitter, he's even less disciplined. Opposing cyberbullying seems a tad pointless when your husband is the cyber-bully-in-chief. We wouldn't have taken Nancy Reagan seriously when she advised Gary Coleman to "just say no" if Ronald had been as openly coked-out as Sam Kinison on his worst day.
I don't think a woman is responsible for the actions of her husband, but it's only rational to think that children are more inclined to interpret "Be Best" as, well, being president. How "bester" can you get? Good luck trying to sell some jerk in junior high on not bullying the freaks and geeks in his class when the current leader of the free world is the heavyweight champion of bullying. Melania also doesn't even confront the bullying done in her own name.
Melania called Julia Ioffe's GQ profile of her "yet another example of the dishonest media and their disingenuous reporting." She attacks the media a lot and, like her husband, tends to accuse them of malicious intent for simply doing their jobs. Melania reminds me of the employee who resents any feedback on their performance and interprets professional criticism as personal attack. If you expect them to show up on time or actually do work once there, you're basically treating them like a Guantanamo Bay inmate. I'd advise Melania to consider Alec Baldwin's advice to the beleaguered salesmen in Glengarry Glen Ross: "If you don't like it, leave."
In those wonderful days of mid-October 2016, when people still thought Hillary Clinton would win, there was heated discussion about Bill Clinton's role as the new "first spouse." A consensus was starting to emerge that maybe we didn't need a "first gentleman" and he should just, well, go away. Even though Trump ultimately won and the first couple's gender dynamic retained its traditional shape, Melania Trump has spent the past couple years conclusively proving how useless this role can be. I really don't think we need her as first lady, do you?
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.