Alaska House Control Down To Tied Race With Uncounted 'Mystery' Ballot (Marked For The Dem)


Welcome to Alaska! A state where elections are won by dead people via a coin toss that they were not alive to shout out "Heads!" for. So, don't get happy, we only visit the Last Frontier when we have a situation where, once again, Alaska behaves like Florida's frigid northern cousin and completely fucks up an election. As an Alaska resident -- yes, I live here. Yes, I'm cold --I expect nothing but pure fuckery anytime Alaska starts trending in the news.

You are now very curious about just why there seems to be a bit of negativity, yes? Well, have you ever had control of your state legislature come down to ONE BALLOT that hasn't been counted because someone happened to find it just chillin somewhere on a precinct table, leading to a bunch of adults spending weeks deciding whether to count it, not count it, open it, not open it, or just say fuck it and have an asteroid hit the earth so nobody had to make a decision? Welcome to Alaska!! It's dumber than Florida.

From Juneau Empire:

It's a sign that every vote does count.

A single mystery ballot found on a precinct table on Election Day but not counted then could decide a tied Alaska state House race and thwart Republican efforts to control the chamber and all of state government.

So, you can see the problem. Republicans can go buck the fuck wild in AK if that damn ballot just happens to be marked for the GOP candidate. Or, Democrats (and a few Republicans) will be able to thwart the creeping fascism of the AKGOP (they are legit not near as bad as TrumpGOP….yet).

The ballot arrived in Juneau last Friday in a secrecy sleeve in a bin with other ballot materials. Officials were investigating its origins and handling before deciding whether to tally it.

Jesus fucking Christ!!!! Where the fuck do you think it came from? ALASKA, duh. Always something with these people out here. Why can't y'all just vote ON TIME and NORMALLY and stop giving certain people indigestion and heart palpitations? Nothing is worse than hope. Especially when hope hinges on one fucking ballot giving us the power to to stave off attacks from the GOP.

"People kept calling it close," Democrat candidate Kathryn Dodge said of the race for the House seat in Fairbanks. "I just didn't know it was going to be squeaky."

Shut up. Why do you have to be so damn pleasant and chipper right now? A tragedy is looming on the horizon of the frozen, lifeless tundra yet here you are, not even ripping anyone's face off. That is the only solution to this endless suffering of waiting for ONE DAMN BALLOT to allow itself to be counted, so, please do the right thing and cause a ruckus or eat a Republican. They taste delicious, like reindeer dogs wrapped in bacon. EAT ONE!!!

A recount is scheduled for Friday after the race between Dodge and Republican Bart LeBon was previously certified as a tie, at 2,661 votes apiece. The uncounted ballot appears to be marked for Dodge.

So, basically, if the numbers stay the same after the recount and they actually count that mystery (it's not a fucking mystery) ballot, then Dems can scramble themselves up a dam to hold back the Red Wave. Oh, btw, there was actually a Red Wave here, but it doesn't really mean shit because we have more moose than people and many people (Me) suspect that there were moose dressed up as Palin Crime family members who voted many times, ILLEGALLY, by changing their flannels and R.E.I. outerwear. Or we made that up because Republicans are stupid, and make up dumb shit first.

"If Dodge wins, the House would be split 20-20, between Republicans and the remnant of a coalition that is largely comprised of Democrats but includes two Republicans."

It's so comforting that the fate of our state hinges on one fucking ballot and two Republicans being all "Fuck Y'all" to the GOP, but that's life in AK. It just goes to show why people rarely even bother discussing Alaska politics, because really, who has the energy to explain this stupidity all the time?

If the race remains tied after the recount and possible legal challenges, state law calls for a winner to be determined "by lot." A coin toss decided a tied House race in 2006.

LOL, did you forget about our super accurate coin toss method of deciding elections? Yeah.

"I've come too far to have a coin toss settle this," LeBon said.

Too bad, dude. You live here and this is how we do it.

Whoever wins this fuckery of a race, if decided by a coin toss, will not be the only one in the legislature who made it in via Lady Luck's Coin Toss Trickery.

The current House speaker, Democrat Bryce Edgmon, won the 2006 primary through the coin toss on his way to being elected to the chamber later that year.

Yay!! Isn't is wonderful? This concludes our Special Report, are you fucking kidding me EARTHQUAKE!


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Wonderbitch aka Bravenak aka Bianca DeLaRosa, loves her jobs as Social Media Manager for Wonkette more than Sarah Huckabee Sanders loves lying to America. Bianca also moonlights as a Witch (THE BAD KIND!!) and is a Freelance Goddess of All Things Ever. Be very nice her because she likes to curse people, especially mean people. You can find Bianca on Twitter @biancadelarosa8 or email her at

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