Alex Jones: Who, me?

BREAKING! ACHTUNG! Alex Jones, sentient shitpost and degenerate defamer, has made a true and accurate statement. Yes, it was under oath, and yes, it was accompanied by a bunch of other ... dubious shit. But!

Alex Jones Bankruptcy document, Occupation: Dietary Supplement Sales

That's right, kids. When asked his occupation, Alex Jones didn't say "free speech hero," or "info warrior," or "pied piper of the alienated, racist, deplorables," or even "carnival barker." He said "dietary supplement sales," because that is the goddamn truth. Alex Jones has one job, and that is to sell boner pills. And he's really, really good at it.

How good? Well, by his own admission, he's selling upwards of $30 million a year of the stuff, and at a roughly 200 percent markup over what he's paying the supplier for it. And, not for nothing, but Alex Jones is the supplier via a company he owns with his parents — so maybe they're making a little profit for acting as the middle man there, too. Remember, that drug supplier, PQPR — i.e. Alex Jones and his parents — claims to be owed something in the neighborhood of $50 million by Jones's main company Free Speech System, making FSS unable to pay the Sandy Hook plaintiffs what they're owed. And, by the by, PQPR only "remembered" that it was owed that money after Jones defaulted in the cases brought by the parents of slain children whom he'd called crisis actors, meaning the question wasn't if he was going to write a check, but how big.

All of this is information revealed in the twin bankruptcies filed last year by FSS, which is wholly owned by Jones, and by Alex Jones personally. Jones has promised his audience that "the money you donate does not go to these people. It goes to fight this fraud, and it goes to stabilize the company," and thus viewers can order Super Male Vitality pills safe in the knowledge that none of the proceeds will go to pay the defamation plaintiffs. But at the same time he's calling for the plaintiffs to take a 100 percent haircut on the money they're owed, Jones demands that FSS pay him his full $1.3 million salary as agreed in an April 2022 contract, plus any expenses for meals, transportation, and other fees he can fob off on them.

Under court supervision, the Chief Restructuring Officer at FSS proposed to pay Jones $10,000 a week, which is apparently not enough for this dietary supplement salesman to live on.

The course of these twin bankruptcies is Byzantine, but, in a nutshell, the Sandy Hook creditors would like Jones to PAY UP and SHUT UP, while Jones and his alter-ego FSS would like NOT THAT.

Toward that end, Jones has made a personal financial disclosure which the creditors described as "incomplete and incorrect in many material respects." Presumably what they're talking about is this:

List of several assets including multiple trusts, the value of which is listed as "unknown."\u000e \t \u000b\f\u000e\u000f\u000b\u0010

After assurance from Jones's lawyers that they just needed a little more time to nail down Jones's assets, US Bankruptcy Judge Christopher Lopez granted two extensions of time to file. Instead, Jones returned with a heavily caveated list disclosing interests in multiple trusts with no valuation, including one which has already paid tens of thousands of dollars to his lawyers in this very case. On top of this rather obvious defect, the creditors note that Jones appears to have failed to disclose his ownership of several LLCs, cryptocurrency, and oil/gas/mineral rights. Furthermore, they observe that Jones has claimed to have either $0 or $104,500 in outside monthly income — and both of those things cannot possibly be true.

In his defense, Jones's lawyers argue, as they have the whole time, that their client is a very busy man who had to rely on the kindness of strangers for his accounting:

Compiling the information necessary to complete the Schedules and SOFAs for this individual debtor was incredibly difficult due to the lack of books and records in any single place. Multiple individuals assisted the Debtor in paying his bills and household expenses, but no budget existed and no bookkeeper reconciled any bank statements. Bank accounts were used by or on behalf of the Debtor by third parties due to his status as a controversial public media personality.

Unsurprisingly, this did not cut the mustard with the court, which ordered Jones to make fulsome disclosure by the end of the month.

Surely this time Jones will be duly chastened and vow to go forth and lie no more.

Ah, well, nevertheless.


[Alex Jones Bankruptcy, Docket via Court Listener / Free Speech Systems LLC Bankruptcy, Docket via Court Listener]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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