Alex Jones Just Wants To Know Why Michelle Obama Is Hiding Her Secret Penis From Him
According to recent reports, new chief of staff John Kelly has been trying to limit Donald Trump's consumption of conspiracy theorist media -- including sites like Got News and Infowars. Unfortunately, this means that our president is unlikely to launch an official investigation into Alex Jones's latest masterpiece of crankery -- an 11-minute-long video about how Michelle Obama has a secret penis or something.
Well -- sort of! The first two-and-a-half minutes are actually a bizarre and terrifying opening sequence that definitely looks exactly like something from a low budget dystopian science fiction movie, and then there are three more minutes of that crap at the end. But the middle is certainly something to behold, if you can get through it.
Now, Jones -- as he is prone to do -- is claiming that he is not FOR DEFINITE saying that Michelle Obama has a penis, just that "people" are claiming this and their video "evidence" of this (a video of Michelle Obama adjusting her pants) is being deleted en masse from YouTube. Also, he is just NOTING some of the evidence that points towards how this is definitely true.
For those of you that don't want to watch the video, here is said evidence:
1) Joan Rivers, a comedian, said so once! AND THEN SHE DIED.
2) Sometimes Michelle Obama's clothes poof out at the crotch. Which is a thing that happens with clothes sometimes, no penis needed. Wait until Jones sees a woman in a peplum skirt, his very mind will be blown.
3) One time it sounded like Barack Obama called her MICHAEL, and then another time, he went to say "my wife" and then said "Michelle," but Alex Jones is PRETTY SURE he meant to say "Michael.
4) She has, he claims, "man hands."
5) A new clip, in which she is adjusting some baggy-ish pants with a long crotch, and in which he claims he sees a penis the size of a cucumber. He repeatedly slows this down in hopes of trying to get people to "see" it, despite the fact that there is definitely not a penis there, just some weirdly fitting pants. I mean, do you have any idea how big a flaccid penis would have to be in order for it to show through pants like that? That is not even possible. Also I have worn pants like that -- that is just what they look like.
First of all, there is no such thing as "man hands" -- that is a stupid thing to say to begin with. Second, here is a picture of my VERY OWN HANDS from the time I did a review of Sally Hansen's peel-off base coat (which by the way is garbage):
I, much like Michelle Obama, have very long fingers! In fact, my hands tend to be bigger than a lot of cis men's hands. Crazy, I know, but it was pretty convenient for when I was playing guitar. Man hands are not a thing, outside of being hands that literally belong to a man.
Just to cover all of our bases here, let's go over how vast and deep this conspiracy would have to be.
Here is a picture of Michelle Obama, as a baby, with a freaking bow on her head.
Here is a picture of her as a toddler.
So, basically, if we were to go by the Alex Jones version of things, Michelle Obama's parents secretly also named her Michael, because she was a boy, but they dressed her as a girl, because they knew that one day she would meet a certain Kenyan man who was predestined to become the President of the United States, who would be gay, but also totally unable to just be a gay man (because he was going to be president). Also his parents planned ahead for this as well, by somehow controlling the way Hawaii does birth certificates. It is a conspiracy 50 years in the making. Why? Not sure!
Also, despite the fact that they are very rich people, Michelle has never had gender-corrective surgery? Also, despite living as a woman with a large penis for her entire life, never learned to tuck?
Ah yes! That could have happened. Also, everything Joan Rivers, a comedian, ever said in her whole life was literally and factually true. And she was murdered by the Obamas for saying that. Somehow, none of the other people saying that -- and being totally serious about it, including Alex Jones, were not murdered.
What is it that he thinks the purpose of this vast conspiracy would even be? Like, even if Michelle Obama had been born with a penis, what nefarious thing is it that he thinks it would mean? What is the big conspiracy here? What would the goal even be? That seems like a ridiculous amount effort for results I can't imagine anyone could possibly understand.
Jones says he simply wants people to understand that not everything they are "told" is the truth. His viewers may want to take that into consideration themselves.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse