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I am completely serious, you crazy witch! And get this dog out of my head!


So maybe yesterday we brought you the fake news that Alex Jones is really a performance artist, according to the lawyer representing Jones in his divorce and child custody case. But how do you know that's true? Just because Jones's legal representative insists Jones isn't an unhinged freakazoid doesn't mean Jones is actually Mr. Normal, buddy, because what's good for Alex Jones's custody case may not be good for his career as a professional one-man conspiracy spigot. So this morning, Jones delivered a rant from his car about how what you see on the interwebs is the real, true Alex Jones, not an act at all, you sheeple! Here, enjoy some stream-of-Jones, filmed on a GoPro while the great showman was on his way to another day in court, where he's apparently not only fighting his wife for custody of their kids, but also fighting the Globalists, who are insisting on weekends and every other Tuesday night, at least during the school year, plus a week's vacation at Bohemian Grove every other summer.

He's not a happy guy! Sure, maybe he does some acting on his show, he has a persona, but it reflects who he truly is, which is, yes, an intellectual who plays to the Fourth Wall and occasionally screams at it: "We’re all actors, but I believe in what I stand for -- I’m not an actor as my main identity." After all, as T.S. Eliot's Prufrock put it, do we not all "prepare a face to meet the faces that we meet"? Not that you'll ever find Alex Jones prancing around on a beach in white flannel trousers. The man does NOT approve of prancing:

They’re prancing online going, ‘Finally you admit it’s all fake and none of it’s real.’ Yeah, Brexit’s fake, taking down the New World Order’s fake, getting all of the gun laws repealed, that’s not happening? No, it’s happening. Getting a good Supreme Court justice appointed? That’s not happening? Everything we want is starting to happen.

The real highlight of the video, for us, comes when Jones gets to the courthouse parking lot and is so caught up in his performance for the webcam that he keeps missing his turn. Art requires a certain amount of sacrifice, and Alex Jones's life IS his art. Seem slippery? As it should -- as Laurie Anderson has a friend ask her in "Language is a Virus," "Hey! Are you talking to me? Or are you just practicing for one of those performances of yours?"

Frankly, We're inclined to believe Jones is a bona fide goofhead, since as far as we know, he's been living this character since before he was briefly featured in Richard Linklater's 2001 rotoscoped paean to Austin Weirdness, Waking Life (we'd thought he was in Slacker, but misremembered: that was Linklater's 1991 live-action paean to Austin Weirdness).

If you want to keep up with the latest developments in Jones's divorce/custody hearing, check the Twitter feeds for Huffington Post reporter Roque Planas and Texas Monthly contributor Dan Solomon. A couple samples for you:

Ahem, that's "ad litem," Mr. Planas, but OK. We're mostly just left with one burning question:

Why the hell isn't this on Pay-per-View?

Also, this is your OPEN THREAD.

Yr Wonkette is completely real, as our car repair bills certainly make clear on a regular basis. Please keep us rolling along by clicking the "Donate" linky below. And when we drive, we keep our eyes on the road and don't try to do a webcast, for godssake.

[RightWingWatch via Joe. My. God.]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Donald Trump's presidency has made white nationalism fashionable again. It doesn't help matters that social networking giant Facebook has offered white nationalists a global platform for their hate. Back in May, Motherboard obtained internal documents that revealed how Facebook planned to handle white supremacist content on its site after Charlottesville. It was incredibly stupid.

See, Facebook wouldn't let you post praise of white supremacy as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white supremacist. It would allow you to post praise of white nationalism as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white nationalist. All those tech bros and all those hoodies in the same place and they still couldn't muster the collective brain power to understand that white supremacy and white nationalism are synonymous, by which I mean the exact same thing but with a slightly different arrangement of letters.

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Is Brett Kavanaugh's Evil Twin The Real Attempted Rapist? Maaaaaybe!

Another Pulitzer for Kathleen Parker pls!

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Over this past week, we have heard some fascinating excuses for Brett Kavanaugh having allegedly attempted to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford when he was in high school. Hey, he didn't rape us, said some ladies who knew him. It could have just been horseplay, said his spokesperson Carrie Severino! He wasn't even there, said Orrin Hatch! It totally doesn't matter anyway because he has done enough good in his lifetime that he should get to sexually assault like, one lady, said Dennis Prager! Maybe it was a false memory and she hallucinated the whole thing, said the Dilbert guy!

So many possible options. But something was missing. We didn't know it, but we felt it in our bones. And then, today, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Kathleen Parker dropped it in the Washington Post. What if it wasn't Brett Kavanaugh, she tells us all, very seriously, but rather his evil twin. Or someone who just looked a whole lot like him. Perhaps even this "Bart O'Kavanaugh" we have been hearing so much about.

Let's hear her out!

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