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Did you guys see that funny video Mother Jones found of Beto O'Rourke dressed up in a smokin' tight onesie and a sheep mask doing "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones? It is a fun video!

Onesie-wearing Beto O'Rourke sings The Ramones in newly unearthed video www.youtube.com

This was years after Beto was in a band called Foss and he looked like the hot guy on the left because he was the hot guy on the left:

As you can see, he had cut his luscious locks by the time the sheep thing happened. So instead he looked like this:

Side view 'cause we like you. Take as long as you need with the pictures.

Mother Jones explains the back story, which is that in 2003 and 2004, Beto was in this one band called The Sheeps, which was supposed to be a famous band from New Zealand, but the joke was that The Sheeps didn't exist -- it was just Beto and his friends! And they had to dress up like very sexxxy sheeps, so nobody would know The Sheeps were FAKE NEWS!


"Our persona was that we were a very famous band from New Zealand and we didn't want people to know our true identities—that's why we wore masks," Ailbhe Cormack, the band's bassist, tells Mother Jones. "I think people followed along with the mystery of it, but they knew who we were."

Cool, whatever. Apparently they played like three whole shows ever, and in their last show some of the sheep masks had been misplaced, probably in a sheep orgy, and so they wore bags over their heads instead.

Guys, Alex Jones and InfoWars are not buying any of this obvious cover story, and neither is Mike Adams, founder and proprietor of "Natural News," from which InfoWars reprinted the article. You might remember Adams from the days of Wonkette's lapsed series The Snake Oil Bulletin, where we told you all the best stories of fake science and woo the internet had to offer, every weekend! Here are a couple Wonkette sentences to remind you of Mike Adams:

He's the same anal fissure who thinks calling someone an "anti-vaxxer" is akin to calling them a faggot (or in his words, a "f@@t") and who believes that religious freedom should be extended to people who intentionally expose their kids to measles and such. He also tried to get a bunch of GMO scientists murdered because he's such a nice guy.

This was from an article about how the Gardasil vaccine is the literal devil.

Also the literal devil? Beto O'Sheeps up there. Because, you see, Adams knows that Beto is LYING about dressing up like sheeps, because he is obviously dressing up as goats, and goats are the international sign of DEVIL. (Duh, sheeps go to heaven, goats go to hell.)

Let us learn science about Beto O'Rourke's obvious sympathy for the devil from this noted thinker, Mike Adams:

Celebrated left-wing political candidate Beto O'Rourke has been caught on video wearing a "Devil goat" costume complete with what appear to be horns or ears as part of a bizarre mask and a freakish one-piece costume.

Freakish = you can see his D-I-K.

Also, "what appear to be horns or ears" are actually just ears, but thanks for guessing, you fucking moron.

He sported this outfit while performing on stage, raising questions about his ties to Satan worship.

Raised questions among whom, please?

The media is now desperately trying to spin the emerging video as a comedy band gimmick

DESPERATELY. With its big article in Mother Jones that quoted the band's bass player, who told the story in like one sentence, along with a few articles on music blogs and not much coverage otherwise. But what little there is, it's DESPERATE.

claiming the mask is a "sheep" mask, not the symbol of Baphomet, which is tied to Satanism and the occult.

Which may be why they didn't call the band The Baphomet Boys.

Adams uses this picture of a devil goat Baphomet mask, and notes that it is THE SAME (almost!) as Baaaaaaa-to O'Rourke's mask.

Now, far be it from us to question the scientific expertise of somebody who runs a website called "Natural News," but we checked Wikipedia to see if we had forgotten what a sheep looked like, and we found this picture:

And this one:

assets.rbl.ms

So then we looked closer at Beto's so-called "sheep mask":

And then we went to one of them fancy websites that puts pictures together like a collage, to see if Beto is REALLY bein' a big old sheep, or if he is SECRETLY TELEGRAPHING THE DEVIL TO US, LIKE A BIG NAUGHTY:

As a result of this experiment, Wonkette has scientifically determined that either Mike Adams never got to go to petting zoos as a child and thus has no idea what sheep look like or what the fucking difference is between "ears" and "horns." The alternate explanation is that Adams perhaps needs to be hospitalized for his own safety.

Adams wasn't done, though. He explained that Beto + his band + devil goats = Baphomet = "the left-wing transgender movement," because something something "breasts," something something "ERECT PHALLUS." Adams posts that paragraph next to this picture, which is also up top of our post:

Yeah, Mike Adams, we see who really has Baphomet O'Rourke's "erect phallus" on the brain, and it is not us, OK maybe it is us a little bit. POINT IS, we're just glad Adams managed to get one of the only screengrabs from the video where Beto moves that goddamned musical instrument out of the way so you can see the real show, not that we're gay or anything. (NARRATOR: So gay.)

There's a bunch of other shit in Adams's post about Madonna and Lady Gaga being the devil at the Super Bowl, and also one time a Super Bowl performance had KKK hoods, because Democrats are the real KKK or something, we dunno, we were skimming because his piece is like 6,000 words long, we guess because wingnuts don't see the need for editors.

In conclusion, Adams says that "top music acts are required to pay homage to Satan or have their musical careers destroyed," which we guess is his way of saying "QED, MOTHERFUCKERS," because if Beto hadn't given his ERECT PHALLUS to the transgender devil goat, then he definitely wouldn't have won all those Grammys.

Or something.

Fuck if we know.

[Mother Jones / Natural News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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There was a time, a few months ago, when everyone had written off Elizabeth Warren. Well, not me, because I am a fabulous genius, but lots of other people. The "very reasonable" talking heads on all the various news channels, the kind of people who used to say things like "Oh, we'd like universal health care too, but 'the people' will never go for it!" but who definitely did not actually want universal health care for any reason, and even the Trump campaign. Though, to be fair, the Trump campaign didn't think Trump had much of a chance of winning in 2016 either.

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And now, according to a report from Politico, the Trump campaign is now scrambling and panicking and... stalking her?

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