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It's Friday, Wonketariat! Let's start off with some mystery bonus nice time! Now here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


Russia's attack on the 2016 election came in three parts, fucking with social media, fucking with the DNC, and fucking with states -- and they haven't stopped fucking around. [Morning Maddow]

The House is delaying the spending bill that includes Harvey aid until next week just in case Hurricane Irma fucks Florida seven different ways on Sunday.

Governors just want to fix lingering problems with the ACA before health insurers threaten to back out of market places (again), but nobody can agree who has to pay for all those band-aids.

Senate Republicans are signaling that they're done trying to kill the ACA (for now) as they're still trying to lick their wounds from the last beating.

The Senate Appropriations Committee is giving the State Department $51 billion Ameros, and that includes billions for humanitarian aid, $10 million in funding for the UN climate change agency, and an amendment to overturn Trump's ban on Not America women's access family planning services. SUCK IT, REXXON!

Jeff Sessions doesn't think gay-hatin' bakers should have to make gay cakes for gay weddings if they don't like the gays so he's on his hands and knees begging the SCOTUS to think of the children.

Republicans are seriously freaking out about Trump's two-timing double-cross with Democrats on the debt ceiling, and they're worried how easily he might cave under real pressure.

Newt Gingrich is scheming to return as House Speaker in the wake of Trump's failure to shut down the government. He's either the turd that won't flush, or he can't get laid in Italy.

The "deep state" is just a bunch of nerds who like to snipe at each other from windowless Washington basements, not a bunch of super spies who secretly call the shots and guide public policy, and the "good guys" and "bad guys" are always switching sides.

Ted Cruz is getting ready to run for reelection, so he's putting on his happy face, and hoping you forget that he's a pathological liar who has shut down the government, killed universal healthcare, tried to deny federal aid to New York and New Jersey, and ate that booger on TV.

Some racist pig fucker(s) in Topeka, Kansas, greeted their new Habitat for Humanity neighbor with racial slurs spray painted on the lawn. The problem's not the slur per se; it's the GODDAMN WAY THE TOWN IS TREATING HABITAT FOR HUMANITY AND THE PEOPLE WHO EARN THEIR GODDAMN HOUSES.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's wife, Sara Netanyahu, is going to be indicted for fraud over ALLEGEDLY spending many Ameros that belonged to the state on some fancy parties, and then trying to hide it. As her defense, she is literally blaming the butler.

One of Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte's kids and his brother-in-law are denying allegations of smuggling $125.4 million Ameros worth of crystal meth from China, even though Duterte's kid ALLEGEDLY has a tattoo on his back that ID's him as a member of a drug cartel.

Overnight a huge 8.1 earthquake ripped through Southern Mexico, scaring the crap out of people, killing at least six. No es bueno. :(

Somebody hacked credit reporting agency Equifax, making off with the records of 143 MILLION people -- making it arguably the worst data breach in history as it compromises the socials, birthdays, addresses, even drivers license numbers of 44% of all Americans. TO make matters even worse, it seems like Equifax executives dumped their stock upon learning of the breach. The good news is that the hipster youth can't get credit due to unpayable student loans.

A couple of Senate Democrats bought you an extra month to tell the FCC why net neutrality is so damn important. You can do that here, provided you're on your best behavior!

APPARENTLY the Daily Stormer has a style guide for how to write like a Nazi, that includes when not to give Alex Jones and Mili Yano-whatever reach arounds for being "pro-jew shills."

The FBI file on Breitbart is almost 1,500 pages thick, and you can only read about 20 pages of it as the rest might reveal snitches, investigations, or how Steve Bannon sucks his own dick.

Dame Peggington Noonington hath opined that one Donald J. Trump is no Ronald Reagan, no matter how many times one Mr. Trump consumes digestible tidbits about the Gipper. Nay, Dame Peggington suggests that Mr. Trump hath made a deal with the Democratic Devil. [Archive]

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert had talky time with Sen. Bernie SandersJimmy Kimmel has his eye on new Trump toysSeth Meyers took A Closer Look at Irma and DACAThe Daily Show doesn't understand why our government keeps trying to shut downJames Corden knows how Nancy Pelosi tricked Trump.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Sir David Attenborough shit-talking shit-taking sloths!

If you give us money we can keep stabbing our keyboards with our fingers FOR YOU.

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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