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All Baby Jesus Dolls Stolen & Molested, For Laffs

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There is no finer Yuletide tradition than kidnapping or decapitating the hated Baby Jesus dolls put out in public at this time of year by the very people who would be most upset by the kidnapping or decapitation of Baby Jesus dolls. It is a terrible outrage, this thing that happens every year, everywhere. Let's enjoy a Children's Treasury of 2008 Childish Attacks on U.S. Nativity Scenes. Talk about making the Baby Jesus cry!


The creche infants are collected each year by a shadowy cult -- Satanists or Mormons or Scientologists or Paultards or Michele Bachmann's nineteen kids, who knows?! -- so that the stem cells of the plastic babies can be harvested for a new race of Gods being bred in, uhm, probably Paraguay (or Russia). This clone army will reach maturity on or about January 20. Meanwhile, the hapless victims of this victimless crime spree just whine to the local newspapers, like every year.

Here are some hilarious bits of Xmas Journalism, along with Xtra Special Bonus Reader Comments thrown in, because why not:

  • "According to the police report an officer responded to a home on Sunset Drive Wednesday night in reference to a theft. When the officer arrived the victim told police that this is the second year in a row someone has stolen Baby Jesus from the manger." [News Channel 9]
  • "THis sounds like something a young punk kid would do but i would be willing to bet that a grown up did this. The good lord was watching whoever did this and dont be surprised if your head ends up knocked off. God dont like people making a mockery of him. Our youth of the tri cities act more grown up than the adults." [TriCities.com]
  • "Reverend Troutman said, 'Jesus Christ is not in that shell that they took. If they want Jesus Christ, they can just ask him to come into their hearts and save them.'" [WIVB 4]
  • "Glen Ellyn, Illinois Christians want to hold on to the babies in their mangers this Christmas season, so they’re trying something new. An Episcopal church in that suburb is installing GPS devices in each of the figurines in its 40-year-old nativity scene." [NBC 13]
  • "Police are searching for a baby Jesus figurine that was taken recently from a Nativity scene in downtown Paw Paw, authorities said. The figurine, which is believed to be made of Fiberglas, was taken some time between Dec. 10 and Saturday, Alspaugh said. Authorities ask anyone with information about the theft or the whereabouts of the baby Jesus figurine to call police at (269) 657-xxxx." [Kalamazoo Gazette]
  • "The Creche Committee plans to go on with plans to dedicate the nativity scene on Monday at 4 p.m. with or without a Jesus. 'We are looking for a replacement, though in no way can we find one that will match this new nativity set. We may go on without the child Jesus statue, as we look for a suitable replacement,' said John Stanton, a Committee board member." [NBC Philadelphia]
  • "For the past 12 years, the Ancient Order of Hibernians and Knights of Columbus have constructed a nativity display on Independence Mall to remind passersby of the real reason for Christmas and for religious freedom in America. This year, that freedom was slighted with the theft of baby Jesus one day before the Christmas crèche’s blessing. Although the statue was not found prior to the 4 p.m. ceremony yesterday, Philadelphia Catholic Auxiliary Bishop Joseph P. McFadden nevertheless blessed the crèche complete with a borrowed baby Jesus." [The Bulletin]

And finally, our War On Xmas Hero of the Year, these drunk-ass punks from the New Orleans suburbs:

WAGGAMAN, La. (AP) -- Jefferson Parish sheriff's deputies say they have arrested three suspects and charged them with a wave of vandalism against Christmas decorations in this New Orleans suburb.

Sheriff Newell Normand said Thursday that 38-year-old Rodney Chauvin of Waggaman, a 15-year-old boy and an 11-year-old boy were charged with slashing inflatable decorations on lawns at five homes.

Chauvin was charged with criminal damage to property, contributing to the delinquency of juveniles and disturbing the peace while intoxicated.

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It started with them damn hats. (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

A guest post by "Knitsy McPurlson," which we suspect is not a real name.

Yr Wonkette is not the only website run by brilliant peoples unafraid to poke people with sharp, pointy sticks. Ravelry.com – a website for knitters, crocheters, and other folks interested in textiles and fiber arts – is poking people with knitting needles, which are very sharp indeed.

This past weekend, Ravelry.com's founders showed the world how easy it is to de-platform white nationalists and racists when they banned all "support of Donald Trump and his administration" from their website, concluding they "cannot provide a space that is inclusive of all and also allow support for open white supremacy." Seems like people smart enough to decode a knitting pattern are also smart enough to decode Trump's not-so-hidden message of racism and white nationalism.

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One day, God willing, my grandchildren will click open their history textbooks and read about the Central American migrant internment camps. They'll learn about sick kids, locked in cages, kept hungry and dirty and cold for weeks on end, and they'll be horrified.

"Bubbie," they'll say, "how could this happen in America? How could there be toddlers sleeping on the ground without blankets, without soap or toothbrushes to clean themselves?"

"I don't know. I wish I had done more. I'm ashamed," I'll say. We will all have to answer for this atrocity. But some of us will have to answer more than others. Not just the archvillains like Stephen Miller and John Kelly, but the people who kept right on doing their jobs, even as those jobs morphed into defending concentration camps.

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