All Days Are Dog Days. Arf!
Yr Wonkette remembers our first years at this this little mommyblog, when August was a really slow time for news. Congress was on recess, and it always seemed like a good time to review the history of the phrase "the silly season," which actually goes all the way back to at least 1861. (Wikipedia notes that's primarily a British phrase, but it gets used here too, along with the more prosaic "slow news season.") Yeah, we remember slow news days. Good times, man.
But since our universe entered its current crapsack phase, there are no slow news days: it's all madness all the time, and the silly season, like competent governing, is largely a matter of nostalgia. Mister, we could use some tipsy bow-tie-wearing ducks getting into pub fights with dogs again. Come to think of it, the August-September 2012 slow news season is when Yr Wonkette started throwing My Little Pony memes all over at least one writer's articles. But we digress. Point is, there is still a place for silliness, and Sundays at Wonkette is it.
Some Questions May Be Stupid, But They WILL Get Asked
A few weeks back, we stumbled upon a wonderful wonderful Twitter thread about the Reddit forum "/r/NoStupidQuestions," where people feel free to ask questions on just about any topic, no matter how odd. Or in many cases, high as fuck.
Or questions that take the premise of a Pixar movie entirely too seriously:
Would it be beastiality if you had sex with a human person, while their every move is being controlled by a rat under their hat?
The top answer, you should know, took the degree of consent/control into account (remember; in that movie, the cooking was controlled by the rat, but the chef dude otherwise was able to act freely).
I don't think so, but, if the person has zero control over their own desire or actions then its more like a weird rat assisted rape
This led to discussions of other weirdness, like what if the sex was fully consensual because the rat has Disney-level intelligence, but being a rat, is also under the human age of consent, and then someone had to mention Master Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who was an adult, or at least an adult rat, and so on. And what about Rule 34 as applied to The Secret of NIMH? Fans are all crazy.
How do you repair relations with crows?
Story is relevant.
My neighbourhood has a lot of crows. Over twenty of them. They are generally on good terms with one another.
I watched them band together and kill one of the crows. They left its dead body in my yard. I waited until they cleared out and then went outside to clean it up because I don't want crow guts everywhere.
However, one crow was still in eyesight and cawed up a storm. This brought the other crows, and they all started swarming in the air. None of them dove at me but it was clear that they were upset with me doing this.
Now, they congregate and caw aggressively any time I am outside. Some swoop. They are becoming more and more aggressive.
Confusion on why they'd be mad at me for cleaning up their mess aside, how do I repair relations with these crows? I don't want to deal with being attacked every single day by multiple crows.
Google is not helpful on this front at all. There is surprisingly little documentation on how to make crows like you after you've cleaned up the corpse of one of their peers.
Is it as simple as feeding them every day? Something else? Am I doomed?
Thankfully, science came to the rescue!
I am a crow scientist and most of my work has focused on crow funerals. Let me try and address your comments questions one by one.
1. It's not that unusual for crows to kill other crows. Generally it's over things like territory disputes or attempts to mate with someone' partner but at this time of year that is less likely. The other trigger is when a crow is already injured. We are not really sure why they do this but it happens. In fact they will preferentially go after the injure crow and not the predator in some cases. In my studies I found that crows would even attack and dismember already dead crows, though this behavior is limited to the beginning of the breeding season. It's a myth that crows hold any kind of court, or kills crows for not being good sentinels.
2. Strangely, it's also not weird that they were upset when you later when near it. I often experienced this in my work. I'd watch them beat the shit out of one of my dead crows for 30 minutes and them get all indigent when I went to collect what was left. It always made me laugh. And basically what's going on is that you have an animal that, while really smart, isn't responding cognitively to every single thing all the time, and sometimes those different drives conflict in ways that are a little paradoxical.
3. In my studies I showed that crows learn places and people associated with dead crows, and clearly this is what has happened to you. I was able to show they can recall these faces for up to 6 weeks, though I'm sure it's longer. We just didn't test beyond that time frame.
4. So...what should you do? Start feeding them. Once a day as you walk to your car or whatever throw some raw unshelled peanuts. If you really want to please them save fat scraps. Throw it when they can see you but don't linger. Expect it will take time. Don't feed them in the spot where the dead crow was. Don't overdo it on the feeding or you can create ecological problems or problems with your human neighbors. Personally I don't think it will help to give them non-food items, but it won't hurt. So if that appeals to you give it a whack and let me know how it goes.
5. If you or anyone else wants to know more about crows or crow funerals please visit my blog corvidresearch.blog. I have lots of articles and links to the popular media interviews and documentaries I've shown demonstrating and explaining this behavior.
And so on. This -- and entirely too literal thinking about cartoons -- is clearly what the internet was made for.
The crow person's "Google is not helpful on this front at all" just might be the slogan of /r/NoStupidQuestions, except for all the questions that really could be answered by googling, or even just thinking about the question for a few minutes, then blushing at how obvious it is. Like this one:
How do I communicate with blind people?
Like obviously there's Braille but is there some form of clicking I can do with my tongue to simulate Braille verbally?
Edit: nvm you can just talk to them
Several people replied with "bless your heart" or asked if the person's carbon monoxide detector was working, but bless 'em, a bunch of regulars replied to those comments by pointing out the subreddit's name. And even better, some folks went above and beyond by noting that since the original poster had figured out the obvious bit, maybe they could benefit from some courtesy tips for interacting with blind folks, like don't go grabbing anyone's arm to "help" them.
The Twitter thread and the subreddit are both pretty wonderful. A few more faves, with linkies:
- How loud would I have to yell at a bug to kill it? (has a diagram, even)
- Where are snails even trying to go?
- Would i be able to kill a polar bear with an AK-47? (top reply is a moderator note that discussion of what to do if the bear has the gun is a valid answer. Replies are mostly "right to arm bears" jokes, so don't go thinking you're original, you.)
- If someone were to tattoo a baby completely head to toe with black ink and watch them grow, would the tattoo begin to "crack" as it grew up? (My favorite reply: "One way to find out."
- What does "fucki mold" mean (in reference to /r/fuckimold) Answer: "Fuck, I'm Old"
- Would meat in a blender ever decompose? The same way that water doesn't become stagnant if it's moving; would meat be able to decompose in a blender thats perpetually oscillating?
- What sort of crime is digging a small hole on a farm thats not yours exactly? In Ireland. Asking for my father.
- If I am sitting in a bath full of water, and I pee, will the water level rise?
- When I'm in my Room is the dehumidifier pulling humidity out from my own body as well?
The Furby Organ
Dude made an organ out of 44 Furbies. Again, this is why there is YouTube.
THE FURBY ORGAN, A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT MADE FROM FURBIESwww.youtube.com
More Freedom Cow!
In Colorado Springs, a longhorn cow decided she wasn't interesting in staying on a parade route and made a break for it. Perhaps inspired by that statue on Wall Street, she ran into the lobby of a bank, but was lassoed by cowboys who'd followed her on horseback.
Longhorn lassoed after running through buildingwww.youtube.com
The Associated Press has not corrected its original story, which said the cow was lassoed inside the building lobby, so you should never trust the Fake News Media. But the Polish Freedom Cow is forever.
Here's Your Damn Jetpack, Only Not
French inventor Franky Zapata successfully flew a "flyboard" -- powered by four small jet engines -- across the English Channel last weekend, after a previous attempt failed and he splashed into the body of water.
Les images du vol de Francky Zapata au-dessus de la Mancheyoutu.be
We predict that someday, someone's cat will improbably not mind the noise or motion, and in the future, "flyboard cats" will become just as popular a YouTube category as cats riding Roombas.
Do Not Fuck With These Owls, Man
Busted! Owls discover and immediately get rid of a hidden camera which tracks their movements https://t.co/j6PLjdBXcr— Reuters Top News (@Reuters Top News) 1565312100.0
The owls are exactly what they seem. Badasses.
Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick, everybody knows the burrow owl lives in a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?
And these little fuckers won't let themselves be filmed, because they know what the queers are doing to the soil.
Danny Trejo Is A Goddamned Hero
Danny Trejo helped rescue a special needs kiddo, aged about 5, from an overturned SUV after an accident in Los Angeles:
Security Video Shows Actor Danny Trejo Running To Help After Rollover Accident Traps Woman, Child Inyoutu.be
The driver, the little guy's grandmother, had to be rescued by firefighters, but Trejo and another witness got the kid out. Then, while waiting for the firefighters to help grandma, he kept the boy from panicking:
He said he works with special-needs children so he knew how to keep the little boy calm.
"He was panicked. I said OK, we have to use our superpowers. So he screamed 'superpowers' and we started yelling 'superpowers," Trejo said. "I said do this, with the muscles. He said 'muscles.'"
"We got kind of a bond. I kept facing him away from the accident."
Machete Saves: Danny Trejo talks about how he rescued a child from a car crash in Los Angeles | ABC7www.youtube.com
Dogs And Cats, Living Together
You need these critters.
MAKE YOUR CAT LOOK ACTIVE https://t.co/qudgAJr2vs— Mike Baron (@Mike Baron) 1565527496.0
I'm not sure if he is qualified but I'll give him a shot. https://t.co/8U5aH4RXYx— Joe Kassabian (@Joe Kassabian) 1565309815.0
Evil Cat https://t.co/5HZzTxmSBC— Non Aesthetic things (@Non Aesthetic things) 1565539275.0
hot birb summer https://t.co/UJq4B2nimD— birdsrightsactivist (@birdsrightsactivist) 1565299225.0
Tarantulas have their own kind of fuzzy cuteness. I like the way they move. Your mileage may vary.
Mass tarantula migration expected to crawl through Colorado starting this month https://t.co/9sCDOFHOHy https://t.co/rax7WrKcCr— CBS News (@CBS News) 1565313588.0
Why did the tarantula cross the road?youtu.be
Hampercat's Cousin libel!
my friend called my cat ugly rt if u think he’s cute https://t.co/0RCwGhuSio— moa (@moa) 1565527938.0
This video is a minute long, what are you talking about?
Treat yourself to three straight minutes of dogs taking baths 🐶 💦 https://t.co/iji72yo0xF— God Almighty (@God Almighty) 1565539200.0
The pic below is suddenly all over the internet. Catlike tweeting detected.
Life hack, lol: #cats https://t.co/FOmJTESqEU— Farrukh Ahrarov (@Farrukh Ahrarov) 1565505222.0
At first I thought she had like 10 dogs @icanteven https://t.co/TZ6Gtb8KGv— Barstool Sports (@Barstool Sports) 1565538885.0
Australia has GLOBAL WINTERING!!!
It’s snowing and a maggie is singing a pretty song on my porch. Very beautiful. https://t.co/u4aWo17ivg— Kathleen Ferguson (@Kathleen Ferguson) 1565399269.0
The doggo was HELPING.
Heard a sound come from the kitchen and noticed four fresh cookies went missing. https://t.co/uqK8WLvb12— Aaron (@Aaron) 1564374758.0
Did we use a different tweet of this one already? Shrug -- it's still good!
Ohh😍 this crosses the boundary of love... https://t.co/0keLLUCnfe— Birds In The Sky (@Birds In The Sky) 1565527677.0
French bulldog on a skateboard? It's SILLY SEASON GOLD, JERRY!
🐾 #frenchie #frenchbulldog #frenchies #frenchbulldogs #puppy #dogs #DogsOfTwitter #FrenchBulldogsOfTwitter… https://t.co/OO50pE4ZYo— Kev & Trev (@Kev & Trev) 1565027615.0
Have you a good day, relax for a moment and recharge, and we will get back into the grind tomorrow!
Yr Wonkette is entirely supported by reader donations. Sending us some money would be the Nicest Thing of ALL.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.