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Bible champion scholar


The gleeful, useless idiots on "Fox & Friends" sat together on their respective couches Tuesday morning, trying not to giggle every time Steve Doocy or Brian Kilmeade, respectively, mischievously farted at one another. Typical Tuesday. But things got really fun when they got to talk to Fox News correspondent blonde lady Carley Shimkus, who was there to tell them why Al Sharpton is stupid for tweeting that Jesus Christ himself was a refugee, a point that seems pertinent right about now.

Let's go to the transcript:

BRIAN KILMEADE (CO-HOST): Is Al Sharpton right that Jesus is a refugee?

CARLEY SHIMKUS: Well so -- let's talk about his tweet first. On Sunday he tweeted, "Before you head to church today, remember to thank God for his son Jesus a refugee who fled to Egypt.

STEVE DOOCY (CO-HOST): Well that's not exactly accurate.

SHIMKUS: Well, according to the Bible, it's really not. And a lot of people on social media had something to say about that. MC wrote, "umm his parents weren't refugees. They traveled to pay their taxes. Please Al." And then Brian, he made it personal. He wrote, "He paid his taxes unlike you. Different times, no comparison. He also returned to his home." As you can imagine, the criticism continues to roll on in.

Oh yes, let's talk to the divinity scholars who populate wingnut Twitter, for surely they were first in line when God was handing out reading comprehension skills. The Fox News "Carley Shimkus" lady concluded by giving Al Sharpton an "E for Effort" at 'splaining the Bible, because of course she did.

(*HEAVY ANGRY SIGH*)

ALL RIGHT, it's time for Wonkette Bible Study! Because listen up, you dumb "Fox & Friends" pube rockets, and also too the chairborne idiot viewers who tweet at them like "DUH HURRRRRR, JESUS'S MOM AND DAD WAS ONLY ON A ROAD TRIP CUZ THEY WERE PAYIN' THEIR TAXES, UNLIKE A LIBTARD HAW HAW HAW," you do not actually know the Bible as well as you think you do. IN FACT, it sounds to us like the depth of your theological knowledge comes from going to the nativity scene every Christmas at your local country church, where the donkey and Mary and Joseph and the wise men and some goats and the Good Samaritan and the cast of "Veggie Tales" came together to coo over the Christ child, who was white.

Open your fucking Bibles, idiots.

Here's Matthew 2:13-22, which the NIV translation helpfully headlines, "The Escape to Egypt," because "escaping" is obviously what you do when you're going to pay your taxes (numbers are verse numbers, in case you are a heathen):

13 When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

14 So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, 15 where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”

16 When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.

Gosh, it's almost as if the entire family of Jesus ESCAPED TO EGYPT AS REFUGEES, because they did not want their baby to be murdered by Herod, much like entire Syrian families are ESCAPING SYRIA AS REFUGEES, trying to go anywhere their little babies won't get murdered by ISIS or by Putin's and Assad's bombs.

And yes, they did come home, WHEN HEROD WAS DEAD, as refugees sometimes do when the danger has passed.

Now, about those taxes. Let's go to the gospel of Luke, chapter the second, which describes the journey Joseph and Mary took FROM NAZARETH (in Galilee) TO BETHLEHEM (in Judea), to take part in Caesar Augustus's census. Here is why they went there, according to Bible:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register.

4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And zing bang boom, for unto us a child is born, and his name shall be calleth! Right there in Bethlehem in Judea, which is BIBLE GEOGRAPHY FUCKING FACT, not in Egypt.

So, to get the chronology straight, in the census/taxation story, which takes place in Bethlehem, Jesus is NEWBORN BABY years old. When Herod finds out about baby messiah Jesus, he issues the decree to murder all the boy baby children, and the family then flees to Egypt AS REFUGEES.

What we are trying to communicate here is that these dicksnorts on Fox News are confused because we are talking about two separate events. WHOA IF TRUE! Stupid morons.

This concludes Bible Time, may the Lord bless you and keep you all.

[Bible Gateway via Media Matters]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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