Derp.

Everybody is saying Mike Pence did so much gooder at debating than his running mate daddy Donald Trump, and we'd have to agree! Pence didn't cry about the microphone or fat-shame any beauty queens, and he kept his composure, instead of melting down into a puddle of hairy orange filth on the ground like Trump did. WIN! One of the ways he did this was by gaslighting America every time he was confronted with one of Trump's past statements, by saying Trump NEVER EVER SAID THAT BAD THING, even though the record clearly shows he did. Another tricky thing he did was, every time Tim Kaine would say, "Would you like to defend this?" Pence would be like "SURE THING BUT NOT RIGHT NOW, let's talk about a different thing." And he would talk about the different thing, and all would be forgotten.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/607245/mike-pence-compassionately-wants-to-nationalize-your-uterus"></a>[/wonkbar]So, for the historical record, we decided to pore over Tuesday night's vice presidential debate transcript, to highlight some of the best times Pence did this. We already discussed Pence's big "NUH UH" when confronted with Trump's past statements that he would punish women who have abortions. But there are so many more examples! You ready?

Donald Trump is not the real insulter, Hillary Clinton is the real insulter!

Several times during the debate, Tim Kaine offered laundry lists of the myriad insults Donald Trump has hurled in all directions, and asked if Trump's little pal Mike Pence could or would defend them. Pence would say it's "remarkable" that anyone could accuse the pure and innocent Trump of doing anything of the sort, when obviously Kaine is sitting right there hurling insults, by listing Trump's insults. NO FAIR!

This is one of the best exchanges that happened:

KAINE: Donald Trump during his campaign has called Mexicans rapists and criminals. He's called women slobs, pigs, dogs, disgusting. I don't like saying that in front of my wife and my mother. He attacked an Indiana-born federal judge and said he was unqualified to hear a federal lawsuit because his parents were Mexican. He went after John McCain, a POW, and said he wasn't hero because he'd been captured. He said African-Americans are living in Hell. And he perpetrated this outrageous and bigoted lie that President Obama is not a U.S. citizen.

If you want to have a society where people are respected and respect laws, you can't have somebody at the top who demeans every group that he talks about. And I just -- again, I cannot believe that Governor Pence will defend the insult-driven campaign that Donald Trump has run.

After answering a question about immigration, Pence was sorely offended Donald Trump was being called an insulter, when clearly Hillary is the real insulter:

PENCE: Did you all just hear that? Ours is an insult-driven campaign?

I mean, to be honest with you, if Donald Trump had said all of the things that you've said he said in the way you said he said them, he still wouldn't have a fraction of the insults that Hillary Clinton leveled when she said that half of our supporters were a basket of deplorables. It's -- she said they were irredeemable, they were not American.

OH BOO HOO. Trump said the Mexican rapists thing; he's called women disgusting things his whole life; he definitely did racism to that Indiana-born judge with Mexican heritage; he made fun of John McCain for getting captured; he said "What the hell do you have to lose?" about African-Americans having shitty lives; and he was the biggest birther who ever lived. Does that cover it all?

Later in the debate Kaine yet again WHIPPED OUT THE MEXICAN THING:

KAINE: When Donald Trump says women should be punished or Mexicans are rapists and criminals ... or John McCain is not a hero, he is showing you who he is.

PENCE: Senator, you've whipped out that Mexican thing again. He -- look...

KAINE: Can you defend it?

Pence said some boilerplate about "criminal aliens" who are "perpetrating violence," but noted how mean Kaine was being, because here's why:

PENCE: He also said and many of them are good people. You keep leaving that out of your quote. And if you want me to go there, I'll go there.

He did not go there, actually. Trump's quote, for the record, was not that "many of them" are good people, but rather, as an afterthought, that "some, I assume, are good people." Ayup.

Trump and Pence did not say the things Trump and Pence said about how fuckin' awesome Vladimir Putin is.

This came up several times in the debate. Trump would obviously like to suck Vladimir Putin's balls. Mike Pence said it's "inarguable" that Putin is a better leader for Russia than President Obama is for America. And yet:

KAINE: ... Governor Pence said, inarguably, Vladimir Putin is a better leader than President Obama.

PENCE: That is absolutely inaccurate.

KAINE: And -- and -- and I just think a guy who praises...

PENCE: He said he's stronger -- he's been stronger on the world stage.

Whew! OK. What a fucking liar.

Donald Trump did not say that thing Donald Trump said about how everybody should have nuclear weapons.

Remember that time Donald Trump said it wouldn't "be so bad for us" if Japan had nukes, and also Saudi Arabia and South Korea? Mike Pence would like to inform us that our ears and the historical record are BIG liars:

KAINE: More nations should get nuclear weapons. Try to defend that.

PENCE: Don't put words in my mouth. Well, he never said that, Senator.

KAINE: He absolutely said it. Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Japan.

PENCE: Most of the stuff you've said, he's never said.

All right then!

Mike Pence is very amused by Tim Kaine's list of OTHER crazy foreign policy things Trump has said, which Trump probably didn't say anyway, PFFFFT.

This was a nice performance by Tim Kaine, which also includes the above thing about letting more nations have nukes:

KAINE: Donald Trump can't start a Twitter war with Miss Universe without shooting himself in the foot. Donald Trump doesn't have a plan. He said, "I have a secret plan," and then he said, "Um, I know more than all the generals about ISIL." And then he said, "I'm going to call the generals to help me figure out a plan." And finally he said, "I'm going to fire all the generals." He doesn't have a plan.

But he does have dangerous ideas. ... He trash talks the military. The military is a disaster, John McCain's no hero, the generals need all to be fired, and I know more than them. He wants to tear up alliances. NATO is obsolete, and we'll only work together with Israel if they pay "big league."

... [H]e loves dictators. He's got kind of a personal Mount Rushmore, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Moammar Gadhafi and Saddam Hussein. And last and most dangerously, Donald Trump believes -- Donald Trump believes that the world will be safer if more nations have nuclear weapons. He's said Saudi Arabia should get them, Japan should get them, Korea should get them. And when he was confronted with this, and told, wait a minute, terrorists could get those, proliferation could lead to nuclear war, here's what Donald Trump said, and I quote: "Go ahead, folks, enjoy yourselves."

I'd love to hear Governor Pence tell me what's so enjoyable or comical about nuclear war.

MODERATOR ELAINE QUIJANO: Governor Pence?

PENCE: Did you work on that one a long time? Because that had a lot of really creative lines in it.

KAINE: Well, I'm going to see if you can defend any of it.

PENCE: Well, look, I can defend -- I -- I -- I can --

BLAH BLAH BLAH he cannot defend it and he didn't plan to try.

Why won't Trump release his taxes? Oh he will! And also HEY LOOK OVER THERE!

Here are some answers Mike Pence gave as to why Donald Trump has not released his taxes, and whether or not he ever will. Exhibit A:

KAINE: But why won't he release his tax returns?

PENCE: Well, we're answering the question about -- about a business thing, is he...

But wait, is he going to release them?

KAINE: Donald Trump started this campaign in 2014 and he said, "If I run for president, I will absolutely release my taxes." He's broken his first...

PENCE: And he will.

When?

PENCE: ... Senator, he's going to release his tax returns when the audit is over...

[...]

KAINE: Richard Nixon released tax returns when he was under audit.

PENCE: They're going to raise your taxes. We're going to cut your taxes.

Good pivot! Also, not true!

Mike Pence really wants to defend Donald Trump, though, HONEST!

This exchange ties it all up with a bow:

KAINE: You know, I'm just saying facts about your running mate. ... And I know you can't defend.

[...]

PENCE: I'm happy to defend him, Senator. Don't put words in my mouth that I'm not defending him.

KAINE: You're not.

PENCE: I'm happy to defend him. Most of what you said is completely false, and the American people know that.

KAINE: I'll run through the list of things where you won't defend...

PENCE: This isn't the old days where you can just say stuff and people believe it.

Your mouth to God's ears, Mike Pence.

In the middle of the debate, Tim Kaine noted that SIX TIMES he gave Pence a chance to defend Trump's words and positions, and ZERO TIMES had Pence taken him up on the offer. We agree with the pundits who say Pence threw his boss under the fucking bus Tuesday night, because he'd like to have a political career after this is all over, maybe in the 2020 election. And he might!

But let the record show that, when it comes to defending Donald Trump, not even his running mate is willing or able to do it. So why the hell should anybody else?

[debate transcript via Washington Post]