8:54 PM Welcome. Wonkette (Original Wonkette) household is tuned to the 'SPAN right now, where the pandering and gladhanding can be watched without interruption. Everything's overlit and we're hoping someone brought a flask.

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8:57 PM Arresting Cindy Sheehan. So best. Not clear what they arrested her for, but I trust they’ve been listening to her phone calls and therefore know better than us.

8:59 PM OMG: Wolf on CNN just reference how “good” Dick Cheney looks. Brokeback correspondent? Now a cut to Laura’s box (as it were). Where’s REX?

9:00 PM Mrs. Alito could start crying at any moment. Is that on the drinking game? Who will start crying first, Mrs. Alito or Anderson Cooper?

9:02 PM The Veterans Affairs guy is the one assigned to stay away tonight. Seeing as how he’s the one of the ones demonstrably not doing his job, great planning.

Tipsy typing continues after the jump.

9:03 PM Alito totally had his robe ready. Was trying it on in his bedroom a week ago. Fuck, a month ago.

9:04 PM Wolf Blitzer so profound (yes, the Original Wonkette Household switched. Needed more to mock.)… apparently there will be a lot of applause when Bush enters. You think? Wow, look at Alito. “Gosh, what a big room. My house could fit in this room. How many guys from my eating club could fit in here?” Total bridge and tunnel.

9:08 PM Wolf: “Red is a popular color here tonight.” Thanks, Wolf.

9:11 PM Hastert is caressing his gavel. You’ll go blind Denny, you will.

Calling for civil tone. Please someone remove the whoopee cushion from under Hastert.

9:15 PM WonkDad writes in, almost sobering (a martini and some wine if you must know):

Glad to see you Wonking again.

Just switiched to cspan.

I really do not want to watch. I hope you can make it bearable. I have to watch, but I hate to watch.

Ugh. What a horrible opening.

Your dad.

(Otherwise I would be confused.)

9:17 PM Democracies replace resentment with hope. . . hope that Hamas will drive Isreal into the sea… we will not forget the other half. . .the half that lives in Ohio.

9:18 PM “But some men rage and fight against freedom.” To them I say, welcome to the US Department of Justice.

9:18 PM They choose the weapon of fear… not a bad weapon. Do they listen to our private phone conversations?

9:19 PM “We will never surrender to evil.” SO CONTROVERSAL. John Kerry’s pissed: “That’s MY SONG.”

9:21 PM “We're on the offensive in Iraq with a clear plan for victory”. . .in Iran. Ha ha.

9:22 PM “We’re in this to win and we are winning.” Because I said so. “The road to victory is the road that will take our troops home.” So don’t hold you’re breath.

9:24 PM “Hindsight alone is not wisdom.” But it helps. I mean, really. What was that about “fool me once”?

9:25 PM “We must stand behind the American military.” I’m glad the SOTU is still used to make some bold policy initiatives.

9:25 PM FIRST REX SIGHTING!

9:27 PM “Let us never forget the scarifices of America’s military families.” Unless they disagree.

9:28 PM Apparently democracy is good. Though, uhm, we’d like to demand what the winners’ agenda is.

9:31 PM America respects Iran, except when we don’t. We expect someday to be the closest of friends, because we’d like to fuck you.

9:31 PM “We also show compassion abroad because regions overwhelmed by poverty, corruption, and despair” are only of interest if we can invade. Dafur? What? Where’s that?

9:34 PM I think Cheney may have a heart attack because of all the standing and sitting

9:34 PM “Based on the authority given to me by Congress and by statute.” Right. When is someone going to point out that the post 9/11 act is like the clown car of presidential authority? All these rights keep pouring out. I expect him to hit me with a pie soon.

9:35 PM If only you’d let me tap your phones sooner.

9:37 PM “In the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs – more than Japan and the European Union combined.” Though if you worked there, you’d have health care by now.

9:39 PM How many Ford carburetors have been thrown at the screen by now?

9:40 PM Wonkette operative observes: “We must move forward not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling toward freedom.” D'oh.

9:41 PM EARMARK REFORM! Apparently it’s like the line item veto. Of course, he's never vetoed a thing in five years in office.

9:42 PM “This year, the first of about 78 million Baby Boomers turn 60, including two of my Dad’s favorite people – me, and President Bill Clinton.” Not funny because it’s true.

9:43 PM BLUE RIBBON PANEL! Here it comes. Here it comes!!! A COMMISSION! PROBLEM SOLVED. Okay everyone to bed now.

9:45 PM I love the lines where the only people sitting are the joint chiefs and the SCOTUS. Because the speech is so controversial.

9:48 PM “Here we have a serious problem:  America is addicted to oil.” My name is America and… Well, seriously: Admitting the problem is progress. Clearly, Laura threatened to leave the country unless it got help.

9:49 PM HYDROGREN CARS! 2005 FLASHBACK! “We will also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn but from wood chips, stalks, or switch grass.” Switch grass? Is that what they grazed on in “Brokeback Mountain”?

9:50 PM Creativity very important. Except in speeches.

9:51 PM Children need to learn… Quick, where’s a child? Thankfully, someone thought to invite one. Hi, child.

9:53 PM “Drug use among youth is down 19 percent since 2001.” It’s actually been down even more since before that but Clinton fucked an intern so nevermind. “There are fewer abortions in America than at any point in the last three decades, and the number of children born to teenage mothers has been falling for a dozen years in a row.” I’m sure readily available contraception has nothing to do with that.

9:56 PM John Roberts (the non CBS one): So hot. And I mean that literally. Those robes look very warm.

9:57 PM “Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research – human cloning in all its forms … creating or implanting embryos for experiments … creating human-animal hybrids” OMG HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS! BUSH SAYS NO TO WEREWOLVES. HEAR THAT CONGRESS? The man is taking a stand. To repeat: Hybrid cars: Good. Hybrid human-animals: Bad.

Do not clone Jack Abramoff.

What about Rex, tho?

10:00 PM Kathleen Blanco has had her hair done. Witness protection program, obviously.

10:01 PM AIDS is a black and faithbased issue, apparently. Not a gay issue. When will he see “Brokeback Mountain”? Serious now.

10:02 PM Implicit comparison to MLK and Lincoln. Guess the FDR metaphor didn’t get through the focus group.

10:03 PM “Before history is written down in books, it is written in courage.” Not in SOTU addresses, that’s for sure.

10:04 PM I am way too sober.

Good night and good luck. Really.