America Best-Loved, Most-Respected ... Nah, Scratch All That

So, is America great again yet? We were promised that citizens of Not America would quit laughing and respect us if we installed a Real Man™ in the White House. It's been 10 years months since Donald Trump took office, so we've beaten ISIS and taken back our rightful place as the world's most super superpower, right?

After President PoliGrip came back from Asia, he declared, “America’s renewed confidence and standing in the world has never been stronger than it is right now."

That's right, Ladies! So, we can sit at the popular kids' table now?


OH. Well, what do the Swedes know anyway, right? Donald Trump is making Americans safer, and that's what's important.

Wait you mean the Arab world is REALLY FUCKING PISSED about Trump declaring Jerusalem the undivided capital of Israel? And now we're in danger of tragic Benghazi-style attacks at all our embassies? Who coulda seen that one coming? Like, besides Mattis, Tillerson, Pompeo and what's left of the State Department.

Damn, Canada! That's harsh. Maybe we can work it out at the South Korean Winter Olympics in February. Meet up for a little kimchi 'n' chill, if you know what we mean. Tell Justin Trudeau to wear something sexxxxy, and we'll wear our finest yard-long polyester tie secured by scotch tape.

Oh, Fiddlesticks! Uncle Vlad says we have to stay home with him. Maybe it's for the best anyway, since the president is trying to start a nuclear war on the Korean peninsula.

Plus, you know ... everyone hates us now. Sad.

BREAKING!!! DRUDGE SIRENS!!! MAGA!!! Secretary Poot Lips gave us permission to come out and play!

Wait up, guys! We're coming.

Guys! GUYS????

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you’re not, since Amazon COINCIDENTALLY stopped accepting our payments shortly after Evan’s VERY SEXIST Sanders post came out. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? K we love you bye.

[Fox / US State Dept, Travel Advisory / Pew Global / Business Insider]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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