‘America, It’s Bad. I’m Nikki Haley.’

‘America, It’s Bad. I’m Nikki Haley.’

It’s official! Former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley is running for president! She delivered her Valentine’s gift for the nation today in a depressing campaign launch video. There wasn’t even candy.

Here she is! God, she sucks.

America’s awful, thanks to a “socialist left” depicted as President Joe Biden, Vice President Kamala “Not One Of The Good Ones” Harris, spooky Jew Bernie Sanders, and former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, whose husband was almost murdered because of this kind of garbage rhetoric. You know, it’s been well over a month since Hakeem Jeffries replaced Pelosi as House Democratic leader, so Haley’s campaign could’ve at least updated the Playbills for her Scary Socialist Left revival.


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Just look at these scary SOCIALISTS! Bernie Sanders is going to eat your liver!

Haley, former UN ambassador, declares that the “Washington establishment has failed us over and over and over again.” The anti-establishment pitch is both tedious and ill-fitting for this country club Republican. It’s like when Hammer (he had dropped the MC) briefly (and desperately) repackaged himself as a gangster rapper with the failed Funky Headhunter album. Haley meanwhile looks like she once worked as a corporate headhunter. She’s not going anywhere in the Marjorie Taylor Greene lane. She doesn’t even have a sizable COVID death count under her belt like South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem.

“It’s time for a new generation of leadership to rediscover fiscal responsibility,” she drones on, “secure our border and strengthen our country, our pride and our purpose.”

Not to be ungallant but Haley just turned 51. Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is six years younger (I know but as my mother would say, the evil’s eating him up from the inside). Sen. Marco Rubio tried the whole new Pepsi Conservative Generation in 2016 when he was the Republican establishment’s knockoff Barack Obama. Haley campaigned hard for Rubio, who face-planted third in the South Carolina primary. Haley can only wish for such a performance. Lady’s not making it to Iowa.

Haley grossly promotes herself as some unifying figure with exploitative imagery of the 2015 Charleston church massacre after opening her ad with scary images of The 1619 Project and someone holding a “Racism Is A Pandemic” sign at a protest. Maybe she should read (or watch) The 1619 Project and actually grasp why white supremacist Dylann Roof murdered nine Black people in a South Carolina church. It wasn’t because a woke teacher told him slavery existed.

“The railroad tracks divided the town by race,” she says, as if that happened spontaneously and not through deliberate government action. “I was the proud daughter of Indian immigrants. Not Black, not White. I was different. But my mom would always say your job is not to focus on the differences but the similarities. And my parents reminded me and my siblings every day how blessed we were to live in America.”

The 1619 Project actually tells stories not so dissimilar from Haley’s, but Republicans pretend journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones just filled pages with “KILL WHITEY!” It’s predictable that Haley would jump on the anti-woke bandwagon. As Shirin Ali at Slate notes, Haley repeatedly tries to have it both ways, but she’ll only end up having it no way, like the most unsatisfying visit to Burger King ever. There is no market for her brand of polite establishment politics, and she lacks the sociopathic skill (not for lack of trying) to compete in the harsher MAGA arena.

When Haley first ran for governor in 2010, she received Mitt Romney’s endorsement. In 2024, she’d need a flaming cross’s endorsement to have a shot for the Republican presidential nomination — but as Haley pointed out too in her video, Republicans have lost the popular vote in seven of the last eight presidential elections. She's not supposed to remind people that Republicans are unpopular and only win when land can vote — or that Trump's 2020 loss wasn't "rigged," he really did lose, like a loser. Sadly for Haley, she will too.



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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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