Excellent news for America's failures, bunglers, clods, and sadsacks! There's always a rewarding career waiting for you in law enforcement, just as long as you don't start piling up a record of fuckuppery until some point after you've gotten your first job as a cop, according to an investigation of crappy sheriffs and police chiefs across our great land by the USA Today network. Records of police misconduct tend to be hard to find, and lots of small-town police departments either don't bother to do exhaustive vetting, or simply can't afford to be choosy. So it turns out that cops who get fired for all sorts of disciplinary problems sometimes end up running their very own cop shops -- and screwing up royally there, too!

The report, based on "misconduct records from hundreds of police departments and state licensing boards in nearly every state" as well as interviews with municipal officials who came to regret their incautious hires, explains:

Misconduct that might disqualify someone from being hired as a rookie cop hasn't stopped officers from taking the top jobs at law enforcement agencies throughout the USA.

Many ended up running small forces in places without the inclination to do basic background checks or without the wherewithal to penetrate the secretive and haphazard systems that can hide police misconduct even from the police.

The reporters identified "32 people who became police chiefs or sheriffs despite a finding of serious misconduct, usually at another department." Eight of the top cops had actually been guilty of a crime, and others had extensive records of misconduct like

domestic violence, improperly withholding evidence, falsifying records or other conduct that could impact the public they swore to serve.

And some, we assume, are good people.

Mind you, the story points out, the journalists only scratched the surface, since "records reporters were able to examine only a small fraction of U.S. law enforcement agencies."

While we meet all sorts of fine, upstanding sheriffs and police chiefs, the star of the investigation is David Cimperman, the former chief of police for Amsterdam, Ohio, a small town with a population under 500, and not even a stoplight for Cimperman to bother keeping an eye on. He was hired in 2015 by the mayor, Gary Pepperling, who admits he didn't do an extensive check on Cimperman -- the guy's résumé looked good, and after calling Cimperman's references, Pepperling hired him. No, don't be silly, Pepperling didn't call Cimperman's former boss, why would he do that?

If Pepperling had called Michael Goodwin, the police chief of New Philadelphia, Ohio, he'd have gotten an earful about the former officer. Less than a year after Cimperman started working as a cop in New Philadelphia in the 1990s, he got in trouble for leaving "the door of his cruiser open after work, his loaded shotgun still on the seat." A year later, Cimperman was nearly fired for

a 115 mph chase over hilly country roads that ended with his cruiser upside-down in a creek.

Cimperman started the chase because he saw a motorcyclist who hadn't lowered the visor on his helmet, a minor infraction. He continued the pursuit even after a supervisor recommended that he break it off, because he said later he couldn't get close enough to read the motorcycle's license plate.

After about 15 miles, the motorcyclist darted into a park and across a wooden footbridge that was only 3 feet wide, Cimperman speeding close behind in the department's new cruiser. The driver escaped (officers found him later), and Cimperman ended up in the creek. He shot out a window of the cruiser to escape. The mayor fumed that Cimperman should be fired but settled for a 10-day suspension.

"He just seemed to break everything he touched," Goodwin, the city's police chief, says.

Then there was the itty-bitty felony charge that actually did get Cimperman fired in 2001. He pleaded guilty after paying a company to modify some radios to work on police frequencies, so he could make untraceable phone calls, as one does, "though officials never figured out why."

The felony conviction led to Cimperman losing his state license to be a cop, but it was reinstated because the court record was sealed, seeing as how he was a first-time offender. After he was fired, an arbitrator "put him back on the force, saying he deserved to be suspended but not fired." Cimperman managed to hold the job for another two weeks, after which he was fired again for committing perjury at a trial. That too went to arbitration, and another arbitrator put him back on the job. Cimperman kept piling up disciplinary actions, and eventually got in big trouble again when a whole bunch of military surplus equipment went missing. The city let him resign in lieu of prosecuting him.

Three years later, he landed the sweet police chief gig in Amsterdam, although it wasn't exactly cushy; he was the only cop on the force, working part time, at minimum wage. Big surprise: He was grifty as fuck in that job, too, and used his position to put a whole bunch of friends on the town's police roster -- not to actually work as cops, but because he was running a private security outfit, and their being on that list allowed him to charge clients extra for providing "off-duty police officers." Mayor Pepperling's signature somehow ended up copied on 35 of the necessary forms, although he says he only signed five himself.

Oh yes, and after Cimperman was fired, the new chief -- who was presumably vetted before getting hired -- says thousands of dollars of equipment, like riot gear, had gone missing. During his tenure, Cimperman had aggressively sought "donations" of surplus equipment from other departments. (For his one-man plus temps department.)

Cimperman's is just the most extreme, crazily detailed example in the story; there was also a dude who ended up in several top cop jobs in Missouri even though he'd lost his police license in Kansas due to misconduct -- and had also "been the subject of three restraining orders. In one, his then-fiancee said he threatened to shoot her." Or a Georgia sheriff who kept getting reelected after financial scandals, admitting to misusing department resources, and, oops, accidentally shooting a friend during a "training exercise." Go read the whole piece -- those additional stories are detailed in brief "read more" sidebars. No need to shout "Fuck the Police" when they're already plenty fucked all on their own!

So rest easy, small-town America! While big cities may get the most attention for their outrageous policing scandals, little towns have plenty of crooked grifters in high places, too! To celebrate, put on some John Mellencamp and beat yourselves over the head with a baton!

[USA Today]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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