America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book

America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book

Free citizens of America! Is globalism grinding you down and burying you in Ameros? Are Obama's secret police camped out in your driveway, waiting to haul you off to a FEMA camp? Does the NAFTA Superhighway run straight through your teabag sculpture garden? Got a case of the swine flu and aren't sure which pig is responsible?The Trillion-Dollar Conspiracy: How the New World Order, Man-Made Diseases, and Zombie Banks Are Destroying America by widely-feted conspiracy journalist Jim Marrs will explain how and why!

Reading this book is literally equivalent to having your eyes pulled open with metal tongs. The Founding Fathers will thank you for reading it. Samuel Adams will interrupt your next séance, shake your hand, say "THANK YOU PATRIOT," and then make out with you. Additionally, The Trillion-Dollar Conspiracy will teach you valuable practical skills, like how to get fluoride out of your bank and the Rothschilds out of your drinking water.

What is this thing about? Let's begin with a quotation:

To be a zombie is to exist under the most onerous bonds of slavery -- bonds that allow for no thought to one's action. Zombies are controlled both mentally and physically by some outside force, whether through a virus causing them to seek blood, or voodoo magic. A zombie is nether dead nor alive and usually under the control of someone else, as in the old Hollywood films. Zombies stumble about, largely unaware of the world around them, intent on purposes that others have created for them through alchemy or electromagnetism.

Marrs thinks youmight be a zombie, actually. Why? Because unlike the Tea Party, you aren't resisting the "globalist fascist" international bankers who manipulate the world economy and laugh about it all day. You probably don't even know that these wealthy bankers are socialists! Let the man explain:

In 2008, many saw the nation turn from National Socialism to Marxist Socialism, when the totalitarian Bush administration turned over power to the Obama administration -- an administration that favors socialist Medicare policies and redistributions of wealth.

Who are the socialist/fascist bankers pulling these strings? Oh, you know: public secret societies like the Bilderburg Group and the Trilateral Commission; the Rockefellers; the Rothschilds and their excellent conspiracy wine; the ancient Khazar Empire...

Nowhere was the art of making money out of money more developed than in the ancient Khazar Empire...

According to the Random House Encyclopedia, "Some scholars believe they [the Khazars] are the progenitors of many Eastern European Jews." This would include the renowned Rothschild family, who financially ruled Europe for more than a century. Conspiracy researchers claim they still dominate the world financial order and have been the financial backers of the Rockefellers and other wealthy families.

Eventually the Khazars' caravans and trade routes became "zombie banks" and the Swine Flu, which Marrs is convinced was created in a laboratory to frighten/piggify the world. The overall results might have been disappointing, but the Khazar bankers did manage to turn a few people into obedient pig-zombies.

Everyone is so drugged with Twitter and reality teevee -- but simultaneously scared to death by overhyped pig plagues -- that we won't oppose this socialist banker elite. This leads to deepening debt, collapsing economies, insane drug wars, futile foreign military adventures, a brutal militarized police force, usurious banks, a crumbling and ineffectual education system, and pig viruses spread through the Twitter. Plus the NAFTA Superhighway, which will dissolve our borders and let in all kinds of aliens, terrestrial and extraterrestrial.

Obviously, many of those things are worth worrying about. Marrs's response to these horrors is to survey the chaos and conclude that somebody -- the Rothschilds, the Bilderberg Group, the Khazars, anybody -- is behind all of it. Find someone to blame, make up a bunch of ahistorical spooky tales, and HOORAY YOU'VE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING. Marrs and his fellow "conspiracy researchers" have a tough time dealing with the inherent weirdness and messiness of human history, and why not? It's easier to believe in Khazar bank goblins. And uncertainty is probably a Jewish thing anyway.

That said, can the Khazar bankers please get going with this NAFTA Superhighway? Actually, make that a NAFTA High-Speed Rail System. Imagine: you're sitting at your office desk on Friday and say to yourself, "Gee, I'd like to spend the evening drinking Negra Modelo and sitting by the fountain in Coyoacán, or wake up tomorrow in Oaxaca." Mexicans who've dreamt of playing ice hockey can hop easy rides to Vancouver and Montreal, and Canadians can finally escape their animist Beaver-God theocracy. It will be glorious.

A full-on camp fantasia about Illuminati, aliens, rampaging Golems, and Lugosi-like zombies might have made this book fun and interesting. Marrs takes his shadowy overlords way too seriously.

The Trillion-Dollar Conspiracy: How the New World Order, Man-Made Diseases, and Zombie Banks Are Destroying America by Jim Marrs, William Morrow (division of HarperCollins!), 464 pages, $17.81

Thank you to zombie Wonkette operative "Ian R." for suggesting this important exposé. Send secret NAFTA Subway maps to


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