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America's Bedbug Infestation Requires Military Intervention

News

Bedbugs! They're destroying Freedom & Liberty even faster thanDebbie Riddle and terror babies combined. In Ohio and several other states, the critters have become so unruly that local governments are calling on the feds -- including the Department of Defense -- to help find a solution.


Why is Defense the agency you turn to when plotting your War on Bugs? Because they issue Technical Guides on pest management and control. Also, bedbugs might become a national security issue because they scare Americans. Scaring Americans often leads to Americans declaring war, and war is the DoD's bailiwick. See how that works?

Your Wonkette remembers early rumblings of Bedbug Fever back in the mid-aughts, before the problem reached Full-Blown Epidemic proportions. At the time we lived in New York City, which has since turned into a war zone in which bedbugs compete with cockroaches for territorial control. It's like the Bloods and Crips all over again. Oh, and did you hear about those bedbugs who crashed the Manhattan movie theaters the other day? They're worse than not-mosques.

For whatever reason, bedbugs have also become a serious problem in Ohio, which they seem to regard as some sort of paradise. What is this attraction to the Buckeye State all about? Maybe the bugs want to destroy the lives of Oberlin College students, or at the very least stop them from fornicating. At any rate, they've become so unruly that in Cincinnati people have turned to sleeping in the streets, because their beds have become bedbug nightclubs.

Bedbugs who have crossed into neighboring Kentucky have also taken over people's apartments, holding movie marathons and eating up all the frozen pizzas and snacks. Even in Sarah Palin's Alaska, ABC reports, bedbug infestation has reportedly increased by "800 percent," because their small size makes them difficult to shoot from helicopters and snowmobiles. [ABC News/Time]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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