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No, the lessons aren't free. What are you, a commie?


America's Greatest and Laziest Patriotic Artist, Jon McNaughton, has oiled forth a new masterpiece in his great line of America-loving paintings, which fuse the middlebrow artistic finesse of the late Thomas Kinkade with the subtle political messaging of a Ben Garrison cartoon.

Unlike some of McNaughton's far busier paintings that featured entire crowd scenes of patriots and symbolic figures, like "That Beautiful Day Jesus Handed The Constitution To George Washington While Satan And Abortion Doctors Sneered," or “Barack Obama Stomps Arrogantly on the Constitution with His Dirty Muslim Feet While the Founding Fathers (And For Some Reason JFK) Look On In Horror," this new one, "Teach a Man to Fish," is a single perfect allegorical image, of teaching a man to fish. With Donald Trump in office, McNaughton seems happy with much simpler messages, which suggests he's been helping to prepare the President's Daily Brief for the CIA.

Here in an Arcadian glade that is undoubtedly scheduled to be clearcut for condos, or perhaps strip-mined, we see a young man, his whole life before him, under the tutelage of Donald Trump, master of bait and switch, learn that there is indeed a sucker born every minute. In case you have never heard the notion of "give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll be out of your hair every weekend for the rest of your life," McNaughton offers some careful explanatory text on his website:

I imagined President Trump sitting next to a young college student. His pack is beside him and his Socialism and Justice Warrior books laid aside. He listens to Trump's proposal and looks at the different bait he can use to catch his fish. Trump offers him a fishing pole. Each of us has the freedom to choose our own destiny.

Trump has suggested through his educational policy that people can be taught a skilled vocation. How will Trump make America great again? I believe this mantra is about giving American citizens an equal opportunity to find success. Equal opportunity is different than equal results. You can give a man a pole, it doesn't mean he will use it.

We sure are glad McNaughton explained that this painting is all about Trump's call for more vocational education and for the elimination of the term "community college," which Trump thinks is merely a snooty elitist liberal euphemism for vo-tech programs. (Trump also thinks "euphemism" is the elitist liberal practice of killing off old people, which he's happy to hand off to Paul Ryan.) Before McNaughton explained that this was a college student, we thought maybe it was "the forgotten American" again, and that Trump was forcing him to work 20 hours a week to qualify for Medicaid. Boy, do we feel dumb at missing the obvious metaphor.

We are also impressed at how virtually everything McNaughton says is a rightwing cliché, like the closing observation that "equal opportunity IS different from equal results," as if he'd just come up with that himself. Also, yes, Jon McNaughton is the kind of clueless square who is so clueless and square he can't even get the rightwing idiom "Social Justice Warrior" right. But just look, here are the young man's textbooks if you don't believe him:

Everyone knows that's what the universities are filling young people's heads with these days, instead of American and The Apple Pies. Forget them, and learn to fish! Just don't come bitching to Trump when the fishin' hole is choked by coal ash, because America is Great Again and you need to take some Personal Responsibility. Unless you think Hillary or Obama are at fault.

As with every new McNaughton painting release, there's also a promotional video in which McNaughton expounds on what his painting means -- and thanks to the rollback of burdensome government regulations under Trump, these videos no longer place McNaughton in any danger of being fined for beating that dead horse, which used to cut into his profits something awful during the Obama years:

Truly, this is an inspiring painting. We can't wait for McNaughton's next inspiring work, "The Buck Doesn't Stop Here, Because Jeff Sessions Recused Himself And Nobody's Investigating The Far Worse Crimes Of The Other Side, UNFAIR."

"Teach a Man to Fish" is available from Jon McNaughton's website in a range of versions to fit any patriot's budget, from an 11 X 14-inch Lithograph at just $29 to a signed, numbered 20 X 24-inch Canvas Giclee with Two-Tone Panel frame for only $411 (plus shipping and handling). Or you could use your money for something useful, like a donation to Wonkette (was that subtle enough, boss?).

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[McNaughton Fine Art]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Image: Dana Rohrabacher's office

The Associated Press finally called the race in California's 48th Congressional District late Saturday for Democratic challenger Harley Rouda, bringing an end to nearly 30 years in Congress for US Rep. Dana Rohrabacher. Over the years, Rohrabacher had represented not only his super-conservative Orange County district, but also the Taliban and Russia, and as his district has become more liberal -- or at least less frothingly rightwing John Birch Society-esque -- it was probably only a matter of time until his seat went blue. Rohrabacher's enthusiastic defenses of Donald Trump and of Vladimir Putin only hastened the swing this year. Too bad, so sad!

Let us bid a fond but not drawn out farewell to one of Congress's more spectacular idiots while we hope he's joined by many others, soon.

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What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.

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