Amy McGrath, Please Beat Mitch McConnell Now, We Are All Sick Of His Stupid Face
Amy McGrath — fighter pilot and perhaps the Rebellion's last hope — emailed me personally Friday to announce she's within one point of defeating human turtle libel, Mitch McConnell. Unfortunately, I can't as yet confirm the poll she references wasn't conducted in her residence, but it's been a long week of stories about racial slurs. Forgive me for grabbing onto any hope that we might actually ditch Mitch.
McGrath reported raising $6.2 million in the final three quarters of 2019 for a total of $16.9 million, which is just $2 million less than what Alison Lundergan Grimes raised in her failed 2014 attempt to unseat McConnnell. She currently has $9.1 million cash on hand. These are potent numbers. McConnell has $9.7 million in the bank, which is obviously more but he has to convince voters he's not Mitch McConnell. That's not cheap.
McConnell's campaign manager Kevin Golden dismissed McGrath's haul as the work of
Jews and gay people liberal elites in New York and California, where conservatives insist no actual Americans live.
JERKASS: Any left-wing name on the ballot against Mitch McConnell will raise tens of millions from liberal elites in New York and California who want to eliminate Kentucky's power to shape policy in Washington. What they can't do is invent left wing voters in Kentucky who would cast a ballot for a candidate who would erase their voice like Amy McGrath.
Yes, McGrath is gonna "erase" Kentuckians voices and make them lip synch such popular liberal hits as "Representative Government" and "(I Can't Get No) Sham Trials." Donald Trump hates that last one. McGrath might've been born in Ohio, where all of Kentucky's slaves once fled, but she grew up in Kentucky and has every right to represent it in the Senate. She's also a combat veteran and a goddamn fighter pilot for the Marines. Republicans should show some respect, but these are the same people who voted for Donald Trump.
Despite what Golden says, I think McConnell is sweating a little. That's how I explain his recent charm offensive. Unfortunately, he has no charm so he's just offensive on Fox News. He gave an interview with Bret Baier Thursday where he boasted about his well-earned reputation as the legislative "Grim Reaper." I don't think embracing the notion that you're the physical embodiment of death is a great campaign strategy. McConnell is running against a war hero not one of the four horsemen from Revelation.
Baier asked McConnell about the 395 House bills that the majority leader buried, and he's just so damn happy about not passing shit. He's not even bringing the bills up for a vote, in case a Republican or two goes Romney on him.
MCCONNELL: It is true. They've been on a full left-wing parade over there. Trotting out all of their left-wing solutions that are going to be issues in the fall campaign. They are right. We are not going to pass those. We have divided government and when you have divided government, Bret, you have to work on things you can agree on.
These "left-wing solutions" are only issues in the fall campaign because they were never passed or voted on. It's hard for a candidate to run on doing something that's already been done. It's as silly as trying to run as the next Barack Obama. Who needs that?
Now, McConnell is willing to consider things that both Republicans and Democrats agree is good for the country. That's presumably not clean air or election security.
MCCONNELL: We're probably going to be able to reach an agreement on an infrastructure bill.
MCCONNELL: A parks bill.
WOW! We're going to have parks! Thank you, Mr. Senator.
MCCONNELL: Now, it may not be a big bill. Because that would require dealing with the revenue sources ... Both sides are nervous about raising the gas tax.
Great, we can't even get a big bill for big parks. McConnell also kindly explained that sick people shouldn't have health care because Democrats screwed up the Iowa caucuses. This has become a popular Republican talking point, as if a caucus is the same thing as a hospital. I imagine doctors and nurses did vote in the caucus or at least tried to before their phones died, but otherwise, it wasn't "Grey's Anatomy" over there.
McConnell believes in American exceptionalism for everything but our health care system. That should be left to private companies — you know, like the one that made the damn app that fucked up the caucuses. Can we please get this asshole out of the Senate?
Although Republicans insist McGrath is too liberal for Kentucky, some progressive Democrats in the state — more precisely, Bob and Carol in Shively — think McGrath is too conservative. All I know is that if she can beat McConnell's ass in November, I'll consider her goddamn Goldilocks.
Donate to McGrath here.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).