An American Hero And A Rapey McGrossFace Walk Into The Senate Judiciary Committee. Your Shitshow Hearing Liveblog!
GOOD MORNING! It's election day 2018 and today is the day we take our country back! Yes it's going to be a long day but after all our hard work, it's about to finally pay off because ...
Wait what? We are sorry, we are getting an emergency missive from the Wonkette secret chatcave that no, our dreams have not come true, and no, we have not recently awakened after accidentally sleeping for six weeks, and that actually we are liveblogging the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing where a "special counsel" named Rachel Mitchell will interrogate Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, the first woman who came forward to say that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her. Mitchell was drafted as an "assistant" so that the eleven GrossDick McOlds on the GOP side of the committee don't look like slobbering trash when they accidentally ask Dr. Blasey to describe what she's wearing right now. (Because on top of being GrossDick McOlds, they forgot their spectacles this morning.)
After that, Brett Kavanaugh will tell everybody about how he updated his calendars in choir practices and he didn't even have a penis until he was 27, at which point it was stored in a safe until he met his beloved wife Ashley, and it is only brought out once a month for ceremony.
We explained the format of today's hearing here. If you want to learn about the "new" anonymous allegations against Kavanaugh, click here. If you want to know about any other stuff Wonkette has already written about WHY DON'T YOU LOOK FOR IT ON WONKETTE DOT XXX DOT ORG DOT GOV DOT DOT EDU DOT COM.
As for other things, here is Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's opening statement. It provides a lot of new details we didn't have yet, about what Kavanaugh did to her (allegedly) and about how she came forward. And here is a painful to read but important article from Emily Jane Fox at Vanity Fair, where alumnae of Dr. Blasey's school, Holton Arms, talk about the prep school culture they grew up in, and how utterly unsurprised they were to hear the allegations she made against Kavanaugh. Click on those things if there are lulls in the action or something!
Here is your video, so we can watch this shitshow together. Just please do not punch your screen too hard if the "special counsel" Rachel Mitchell turns out to be "Aunt Lydia" Rachel Mitchell, as we are not responsible for damages to your mom's AOL computer.
OK, let's liveblog.
10:03: Good morning! It hasn't started yet. Kamala Harris is in a good mood, looks like!
And here is Dr. Blasey, who is an American hero for telling her truth like this.
10:05: And now we begin. If you pray, say one for this woman right now. If you only "thoughts," well then, thoughts HARD.
10:08: Chuck Grassley begins by lecturing us on CIVILITY and PROCESS, and says the FBI has already background checked Brett Kavanaugh a buncha times and it said he's not even rapey a little bit, MEETING ADJOURNED.
10:12: A good thing to tweet all day long would be WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE?
10:13: Chuck Grassley just wants us to know that BRETT KAVANAUGH has been through a lot here.
And now he's reading that Joe Biden quote from the Anita Hill hearings out of context, because he's a corn-fucking Republican liar.
10:16: Never ever EVER again let Republicans or evangelical Christians say they have a lock on morality. Look, almost half of evangelicals think Kavanaugh should be confirmed EVEN IF HE IS A BIG RAPIST.
10:17: Chuck Grassley says attorneys for Debbie Ramirez and Julie Swetnick haven't followed all his orders, therefore that probably means Bitches Be Lyin', we guess. Can't imagine why they wouldn't want the Senate Judiciary Republicans doing this investigation, since they're obviously such honest brokers.
10:19: Dianne Feinstein actually said hello to Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, because you know, Dr. Blasey is a human being, CHUCK GRASSLEY. She also says she's going to spend time explaining why Dr. Blasey might have wanted to remain anonymous originally. We assume she'll just play some tape of Republican men speaking about her the past few weeks.
10:22: Feinstein also spent a lot of time ticking off Dr. Blasey's professional accomplishments, because she knows it's all too easy for Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity to tell their fans she's some silly flaky crazy lady trying to speak over A REAL MAN.
10:26: FEINSTEIN: Where the FUCK is Mark Judge? You know, the other guy who was in the room, who refuses to testify? And whose name shows up in all these other allegations too? WHERE THE FUCK IS HE? WHERE THE FUCK?
10:27: Feinstein also calling her Republican male colleagues for saying Christine Blasey Ford is a silly mixed up lady who doesn't even remember who tried to rape her. Because that's totally a thing.
10:28: And now Feinstein straight up tells the stories of Debbie Ramirez and Julie Swetnick. You know, the second and third Kavanaugh accusers, out of a total number we don't know yet, because you know there are still more who will come forward.
Of course, the GOP's goal today is to scare those women into not doing that.
10:30: Feinstein notes that the very same week Kavanaugh was declaring himself a church-obsessed calendar boy who just couldn't fucking stop doing service projects, all these women are coming forward to say he found time between church and calendars to sexually assault them.
10:32: Chuck Grassley regrets that Dianne Feinstein brought up Debbie Ramirez and Julie Swetnick, because haven't you heard that Bitches Be Lyin'?
10:33: Dr. Christine Blasey Ford begins her opening statement. Here is the link to her opening statement again.
10:41: Remember when she refers to "Brett and Mark," that there are many accounts of how those two boys were best friends, including Julie Swetnick, who referred to them as "joined at the hip." You know, for when the GOP starts in on MAYBE BRETT KAVANAUGH HAS A PENIS DOUBLE.
10:45: This is devastating. Anyone (TRUMP) who doesn't pull Kavanaugh's nomination at the end of her opening statement is a fucking monster. But we already knew that.
10:49: Christine Blasey Ford and her family have been targeted worse than she expected, including death threats, by Trump supporters. Never underestimate what pigs they are.
10:51: Christine Blasey Ford notes that she has never been questioned by a PROSECUTOR, since she's never been on TRIAL before. But since the GOP hired a PROSECUTOR to INTERROGATE HER, she promises to do her best.
God, fuck Chuck Grassley and every other Republican on the committee.
10:53: It's time for ...
OK we should be nice and give Rachel Mitchell a chance to do a good job.
10:59: AND the GOP's little plan is already Not Working, because Rachel Mitchell planned a full line of questioning, which doesn't usually include taking a break every five minutes to let Democrats ask questions. So now it is Dianne Feinstein's turn to ask questions for five minute, at which point Rachel Mitchell will finish her sentence.
JESUS, WHAT A SHITSHOW.
11:01: Feinstein questions about the impacts Brett Kavanaugh's sexual assault has had on her life. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford seems like a really, really nice woman who's really putting herself on the line here. Like we have said five times, HERO.
11:03: Dr. Blasey says her greatest fear in coming forward was that she'd be jumping in front of train that was still going to go wherever it was in the first place, and that she'd be "personally annihilated."
11:04: FEINSTEIN: How are you so sure it was Brett Kavanaugh that tried to rape you?
BLASEY FORD: The same way I know I'm talking to you right now. Also MANY BRAIN EXPLANATIONS ABOUT HOW BRAINS WORK, because I am a SCIENCE EXPERT.
That'll confuse some Republicans.
Back to Aunt Lydia.
11:07: MITCHELL: Was your statement this morning lies?
BLASEY FORD: No, it was the truth.
CHUCK GRASSLEY'S BRAIN: Fiddlesticks, foiled again!
Mitchell's job here is basically to hammer at Dr. Blasey on each and every little nitpicky detail about the day of the assault. Was she drinking beforehand? Was she on crazy pills?
11:09: If you need something funny, here is a thing that is funny.
Also kind of funny is that Christine Blasey Ford just said she can "sketch a floor plan" of the house where it was, so SUCK IT, FLOOR PLAN BOY ED WHELAN.
And now it is Pat Leahy's turn! In the middle of Mitchell's questions!
The GOP really didn't think this through.
11:12: LEAHY: Is it possible that Brett Kavanaugh had an evil twin?
BLASEY FORD: Nah.
Also Leahy said the guy ED WHELAN accused of being THE REAL RAPIST has already written a letter to the committee to say "THE FUCK?"
Blasey Ford added that the guy ED WHELAN blamed was actually the person who introduced her to BRETT KAVANAUGH, and she doesn't want to talk about that guy, because it's unfair to him.
She says the part of the memory that's "indelible, in the hippocampus," is just how much Brett and Mark laughed while the assault was happening.
She's a really, really good witness.
11:15: Oh shit, Aunt Lydia just laughed at a joke Christine Blasey Ford made. I think she likes her as a person! MAYDAY, REPUBLICANS, MAYDAY!
11:19: They are just going to pick through each and every sentence of her account and try to catch her in a MIX-UP, so that the Republicans can be sure in their belief that Bitches Be Lyin'.
11:22: Senator Dick Durbin begins, putting into the record letters signed by one million people saying that Christine Blasey Ford has no reason to lie about this.
Hey, GOP, isn't it weird how these Democratic men are managing to talk to Dr. Blasey Ford without asking what she's wearing?
11:23: DURBIN: Where the fuck is MARK JUDGE?
11:25: DURBIN: Did you hear that the GOP released information claiming two other guys tried to rape you, and not Brett Kavanaugh?
BLASEY FORD: I heard.
DURBIN: How fucked is that?
BLASEY FORD: Kinda fucked!
Dr. Blasey adds that the one time she saw Mark Judge after the assault, he went white in the face, "looked a little bit ill," and didn't want to talk to her. She says it happened "six to eight weeks" after the assault.
11:27: A weird thing happened last time Aunt Lydia was questioning. She wanted to introduce a MAP, to see if Christine Blasey Ford remembered ... where she lived?
Before the day is out, Blasey Ford is going to be asked to draw fucking blueprints.
11:29: We are on break. Consensus on MSNBC from the prosecutors on the panel is that Christine Blasey Ford is one of the best, most fucking credible witnesses they've ever seen.
11:31: DISPATCH FROM FOX NEWS!
11:36: Garrett Haake on MSNBC reports that the GOP senators filing out of the room for their late morning poop break were NOT chatty like they usually are, just staring straight ahead stone-faced. We love the smell of a Republican trainwreck in the morning!
11:45: While we are still on break, a really important takeaway here, is that Dr. Blasey decided to come forward by writing a letter to Dianne Feinstein not after Kavanaugh was nominated, but when he was on the short list. She was trying to help Donald Trump not pick the guy who sexually assaulted her. DEEP STATE! DEEP STATE!
11:47: Back to Aunt Lydia with her road maps!
11:50: AUNT LYDIA: How you even know when this ALLEGEDLY happened?
BLASEY FORD: I'd be able to be more exact if WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE?
(Because she saw Mark Judge at his job at Safeway six to eight weeks later, remember?)
11:53: It's actually appalling that Rachel Mitchell is doing the GOP's dirty work right now, and she should be professionally ashamed. Therefore we now feel Not Sorry about continuing to call her Aunt Lydia and getting screengrabs of her making funny faces.
11:58: Sheldon Whitehouse promises Christine Blasey Ford that hell or high water he will make sure her claims are fully investigated, and not just in this clownshow of a hearing.
This leads Chuck Grassley to swear to Jesus that he DID TOO give Christine Blasey Ford a whole week to get ready, while she was getting death threats and having to move out of her house and stuff.
12:01: Everybody say HEY GURL to "Women for Kavanaugh"!
12:02: AUNT LYDIA: Asshole question about do you only have PTSD and anxiety because of this SO-CALLED ASSAULT?
BLASEY FORD: Clinical explanation of Psychology, How Does IT Work, you fucking asshole.
12:04: To be clear, Aunt Lydia is literally trying to get Christine Blasey Ford to disclose other abuse.
Hey Maricopa County sex abuse victims, aren't you reassured?
12:06: We also just endured several minutes of Mitchell questioning Blasey Ford on her fear of flying, with attempts to ZING! her because we have evidence here that you fly sometimes. ZING!
12:07: AMY KLOBUCHAR: Would it be helpful to you if WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
BLASEY FORD: Yes, it would be very helpful to everyone here today if WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
12:09: KLOBUCHAR: If there was an FBI investigation, would your husband tell the FBI confirm all the stuff you've said about him?
BLASEY FORD: Of course, if there was an FBI investigation, he would tell them all of the things!
Amy Klobuchar is a good person.
Now Blasey Ford is again talking about the things she remembers most vividly about the night, including details from the bedroom, and again, the "uproarious laughter."
12:13: Now, there is a major argument about the full panels from Blasey Ford's polygraph results, and her counsel and Amy Klobuchar are pointing out to FUCKING CHUCK GRASSLEY that we'd have all those panels if they had allowed the dude who administered the polygraph to FUCKING TESTIFY, YOU ASSHOLES.
Also, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE?
12:17: AUNT LYDIA: Did you try to call the New York Times?
BLASEY FORD: No.
AUNT LYDIA: Why?
BLASEY FORD: haw haw haw, the New York Times SUCKS.
Wonkette apologizes, she did not say anything remotely like that, we just cannot resist.
12:23: We simply adore how Christine Blasey Ford just casually drops #science about the brain into her testimony, because it's just normal for her. AUNT LYDIA AIN'T THINK TO WRITE NO SCI-UMP-TIFIC QUESTIONS!
12:24: MEANWHILE BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE!
12:25: AUNT LYDIA: Why you not tell your secrets to any REPUBLICAN congressmen or senators?
BLASEY FORD: Well, you see, in California, our representatives are Democrats ...
12:28: You guys, Rachel Mitchell, who was supposedly brought here for her EXPERTISE IN INVESTIGATING SEX CRIMES, is now interrogating Christine Blasey Ford on how much Dianne Feinstein fucked up with the letter she was sent.
12:32: Dick Blumenthal tells Christine Blasey Ford that she's a goddamned American hero, to women and men, and that she should probably be Teacher Of The Year, because that's just #FactcheckTRUE.
12:34: AWWWWWWWW SHIT, Dick Blumenthal is reading the quote from LINDSEY GRAHAM'S BOOK, about his time as a JAG prosecutor, where he learned just how much courage it takes for women like CHRISTINE BLASEY FORD to come forward.
When Sen. Lindsey Graham was a practicing lawyer, he prosecuted rapists and defended their victims.
"I learned how much unexpected courage from a deep and hidden place it takes for a rape victim or sexually abused child to testify against their assailants," the South Carolina Republican wrote in his 2015 autobiography.
"Trying to get a scared, confused, little kid or young woman who feels the best part of her life is over to recall a memory that their every psychological impulse is trying to suppress is not something you forget," he continued. "It has stayed with me ever since."
And that is called THROWING. THE. FUCK. DOWN.
The exchange ended with a hearty round of WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE?
12:39: AUNT LYDIA: Wait, you took a lie detector test on the day of your grandma's funeral? THAT MEANS YOU WERE AN EMOTIONAL LIAR MCNOFRIENDS!
(She passed with flying colors, of course.)
AUNT LYDIA: Are you the president of lie detector tests?
BLASEY FORD: Not according to my hippocampus's recollections.
12:41: Speaking of WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE, it would appear that his book confirms the timeframe of Christine Blasey Ford's recollections of when the sexual assault happened.
12:42: And we're going to lunch! While we do that, please enjoy these additional tweets from Gabriel Sherman about what's going on in the White House right now!
WHY NOBODY TELL HIM SHE WASN'T GONNA BE A BITCHES BE LYIN'?
Mark it on your calendars: September 27, 2018, was the day that Donald Trump believed women, at least for a little bit.
12:48: This could not possibly be going better.
12:53: WEST VIRGINIA, CALL YOUR SENATOR. NO, NOT MANCHIN, YOUR OTHER ONE.
Shelley Moore Capito (R-W) is actually a Holton Arms alumna, as just reported by Andrea Mitchell.
12:56: How badly is this going for the White House? Hallie Jackson just reported on MSNBC that Trump's meeting with Rod Rosenstein for this afternoon has been canceled until next week. SAFE FOR NOW, ROD!
1:01: Oh Christ, Grassley's in the hall pitching a tent.
1:13: OOH DAMN, we don't have video yet, but Lindsey Graham just had CONNIPTION with reporters in the hallway, and he is doubling down on BITCHES BE LYIN', and says he doesn't want to reward the "bad behavior" of Democrats trying to delay this nomination until after the election, to which we reply MERRICK FUCKING GARLAND, SHITHEAD.
John McCain is looking down from heaven with shame.
1:30: Just in case you were wondering what the scummiest among us are going with, here's Don Jr.
Oh wait, did we say scummiest? Sorry, that prize goes to LINDSEY FUCKING GRAHAM.
1:34: Here's your video of the first time Lindsey Graham was an irredeemable piece of shit today.
1:37: And we are back! Mazie Hirono is straight up calling out the prosecutor's tactics in trying to pick apart CBF's memories (that is what we are calling her, or The Notorious CBF if you prefer, AND YOU DO).
1:42: LOOK EVERYONE, WE HAVE MADE A TWEET! You should be RT-ing and following us!
And now Aunt Lydia is asking dumb questions about who paid for CBF's polygraph, because this is all dumb as shit and why has somebody not shut this shit down yet?
1:46: Aunt Lydia asking REALLY WEIRD QUESTIONS about whether anybody "helping" Christine Blasey Ford might have talked to anybody in Congress, and she is like "I do not understand your very weird question" and her counsel is like "OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR, Aunt Lydia said at the beginning that she would not ask my client to GUESS" and Chuck Grassley grunted some noises and WE HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING IS MEANT TO SHOW.
Maricopa County, seriously ... this is your best and brightest sex crimes prosecutor? Surely there is someone else you might like to hire?
1:49: So, funny observation. The GOP's stated (lie) reason for bringing in Rachel Mitchell was so that they'd have a real expert on their side, as opposed to "grandstanding" from the Democrats. What's actually happening is that Mitchell is stepping on rakes and Democrats are thanking Dr. Blasey Ford for everything she is doing right now, commending her for her courage, and expressing concern for her personal welfare.
Cory Booker speaking right now, saying Dr. Blasey Ford is literally changing the culture with her testimony.
Bet the White House is SUPER FUCKIN' LIT right now.
1:52: Oh no, Cory Booker made Christine Blasey Ford cry! (By telling her how much he admires her.)
1:54: Back to Aunt Lydia, whose game seems to be trying to somehow prove that Christine Blasey Ford is the LEAKER-IN-CHIEF who leaked her own name to the media or something.
This is all they got. The GOP is officially the "Why are you hitting yourself?" party.
1:56: And now Aunt Lydia wants to know what other "outside" groups might be helping with Christine Blasey Ford's legal fees.
Let's translate from the original Russian, we mean Republican: ARE YOU ON GEORGE SOROS'S PAYROLL???????
1:58: OH JESUS CHRIST, AND NOW AUNT LYDIA WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT ED WHELAN'S "GRASSY KNOLL" RAPIST THEORY, AND IS PRESSURING HER TO NAME THAT GUY'S NAME.
Christine Blasey Ford is not biting. Basically says you know who it is, it's the guy ED WHELAN fingered, it's totally inappropriate to say his name, and also by the way, if you are going to ask, NO, THAT GUY DIDN'T RAPE HER.
2:02: KAMALA TIME! She is just telling Christine Blasey Ford to please remember that she is not on trial and that she believes her, and that America believes her.
Harris also noting that Christine Blasey Ford has been willing to go through every single process with this that Rapey McLiarJudge has not. Know what that usually indicates? That he's a fucking rapey liar.
2:07: And now it's time for Rachel Mitchell to come in for the kill by accusing Christine Blasey Ford of ... SOMETHING!
Christine Blasey Ford says she doesn't expect Leland or PJ (two of the others named as being at the party) to necessarily remember this party, because, you know, NOBODY TRIED TO RAPE THEM THERE.
Moreover, she understands why Mark Judge would deny, because WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
2:12: And now Chuck Grassley is entering into the record the statements from the other people at the party, the ones we JUST ADDRESSED, who don't remember this party very well, because NOBODY TRIED TO RAPE THEM THERE.
Which means that Rachel Mitchell has rested her case, which wasn't a case at all.
And blah blah blah, senators arguing, John Kennedy gonna say some country Louisiana words about CATWOMAN or something.
Christine Blasey Ford's attorney is like "CAN WE GO NOW?"
And we are recessed for 45 minutes!
Next up, RAPEY MCGRUNTS-A-LOT!
2:37: In case you are a-wonderin', Lindsey Graham is still VERY ANGRY AND SO UPSET HE MIGHT CRY GRRRRRRR ARGH!
Not many other Republicans have been in the mood to talk to reporters, besides John Cornyn, who was notably more subdued than he has been in recent days.
2:39: By the way, looks like every woman in the world stopped what she was doing to watch Christine Blasey Ford testify. Here are some at a bar.
Here's everybody watching on airplanes.
And here's Megyn Kelly being A Idiot and saying nobody is watching.
We stoled these from BuzzFeed, which collected a whole shitload more.
2:52: LOL OK, ALL FORGIVEN, NEW YORK TIMES.
You put B E A C H W E E K above the fold on A1!
In fact, this whole front page. DAMN.
It's almost time for Brett Kavanaugh to dig the rest of his grave, you guys ready????
3:04: You guys all of Twitter is making fun of Lindsey Graham saying he felt ambushed and asking him if he reported it to the police and asking if he remembers exactly who ambushed him and where he was and is he sure who ambushed him and it is very LOL.
Also, before the hearing starts, another reminder that you should be tweeting all day WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE?
Also, we should remind you that Mark Judge's college ex-girlfriend Elizabeth Rasor has agreed to testify to the fact that Judge told her about him and his friends doing gang rapes. He was reportedly regretful about it.
Anyway, all the Republicans are back!
3:10: Oh look, Rapey McStinks-A-Lot showed up.
LOL U GUYS he is so mad.
He says he wrote his own statement and he has been HARMED by the LADY and her LIES and YELL YELL YELL YELL YELL.
He says he's cool with any investigation happening, because he knows the Republicans will never call for a real investigation.
3:18: Maybe we will just do screengrabs of him being SO MAD BRO for the next three hours, because it is making us LOL so hard.
"I always try to be on the sunrise side of the mountain," HE SAID ANGRILY!
3:21: You guys he's gonna cry a lot in this hearing. He's currently saying some crying bullshit about his mom.
3:23: Bart O'Boofer just literally said in all his time in public life nobody even thought there was a "WHIFF" of him being rapey and then he said the other night his daughter (SOB) prayed for the lady her dad literally sexually assaulted, according to this morning's testimony.
Dunno if we have enough energy to laugh as much as this hearing is going to make us laugh.
3:26: Oh Christ, can we just skip to the part where Kamala Harris finishes him off?
Good point from Jennifer Rubin:
Wonder if he's been drinking. He seems kind of belligerent.
3:29: Oh now Brett Kavanaugh says he didn't even hang out with girls from Holton Arms. He hung out with girls from other schools, therefore NO RAPE, NO RAPE, GRASSY KNOLL RAPIST.
3:31: Brett Kavanaugh now using #maps to explain how he couldn't have been the rapist. Also says DID YOU READ MY CALENDARS? THERE IS NO RAPE ON MY CALENDARS!
And then. No, listen. He's LOSING IT CRYING because he kept calendars because his DADDY kept calendars and this makes him CRY because DADDY'S CALENDARS ARE BETTER THAN HIS.
Reminder: This is what his calendars were like.
3:35: In case you missed it, Brett Kavanaugh could not have raped even a little bit, because his calendars show he was too busy to rape. He says not everything was on his calendars, like brushing his teeth or going to church, because those were "automatic."
Maybe gang rape was also "automatic," we are just saying.
HEY, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
3:40: KAVANAUGH: Uhhhhhhhh, other people drink beer too! Are you saying EVERY PERSON WHO LIKES BEER IS A RAPIST?
3:44: Brett Kavanaugh is a virgin. He knows that makes him a dork, but inside, he was proud of being a virgin. This also makes him cry, because everything makes Brett Kavanaugh cry. The women who wrote that letter make him cry. The one he and his friends bragged in their yearbook about fucking, Renate, makes him cry. His liberal feminist friend texted him last night and said hang in there. That makes him cry. Be strong, Brett. You never raped me even a little bit. Brett loves his friends. Friendship makes Brett cry.
3:52: Now Brett is crying because he might not be able to teach again or coach little girls again or even make calendars again because people think he's a sexual predator, MAYBE BECAUSE HE'S BEEN CREDIBLY ACCUSED OF BEING ONE.
Bill Cosby was pretty upset about going to prison too, probably.
3:55: This opening statement is fucking insane. He's filibustering. We're going to be here tomorrow, and he's ...
Oh wait, he's finally fucking done.
OK, Democrats, fucking finish him.
Aunt Lydia, you can help too.
3:57: And now the questioning begins.
3:59: AUNT LYDIA: Do you know Mark Judge?
WORLD: WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE?
KAVANAUGH: I am going to cry about Mark Judge now.
4:00: Oh thank God, it is Dianne Feinstein's turn. Let's go.
FEINSTEIN: Why the fuck aren't you willing to have the FBI investigate all these allegations?
KAVANAUGH: Now I am so mad! Everybody says I am in a gang! And on a boat! My life is ruined!
KAVANAUGH: It's A Outrage! I was at Tobin's house! I was out of town! I want A Investigation! Except not a FBI investigation, because that would be bad! It's A Outrage!
4:05: AUNT LYDIA: Did you drink in high school?
KAVANAUGH: Me did! And the boys! And the girls! It was not a law crime! Beer good!
AUNT LYDIA: How much beer is too much?
KAVANAUGH: Whatever it says on charts.
AUNT LYDIA: Have you ever passed out from drinking?
KAVANAUGH: It depends on what the definition of "passed out" is.
AUNT LYDIA: You ever wake up without pants on?
KAVANAUGH: Haha LOL no way. I would drink the beer and then I would wear the pants.
AUNT LYDIA: Did you do all the things Dr. Ford said?
KAVANAUGH: Bitches be lyin'.
4:10: Break time! Kavanaugh gotta go write some calendars now.
4:12: Co-sign this. We too have "fallen asleep" on our front porch, but not recently.
4:17: Consensus in the chatchave is that Brett Kavanaugh reminds us of pretty much every alcoholic ever, and we don't mean that unsympathetically. We can also see that he is a mean drunk.
Consensus on the TV is that we just witnessed one of the greatest temper tantrums in American history.
4:28: Happy hour's over, Brett's back!
Pat Leahy just wants to know WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
KAVANAUGH: Mad words!
LEAHY: WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE?
LEAHY: Are you Bart O'Kavanaugh, from Mark Judge's book? Have you boofed yet, Bart? Have you boofed yet?
KAVANAUGH: Mark Judge's book is fiction!
LEAHY: Are you Bart O'Kavanaugh?
KAVANAUGH: Ask him!
LEAHY: WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
4:33: Bart O'Boofer wants to filibuster about how he was a perfect angel in high school and he refuses to answer all questions Pat Leahy is actually asking. "LET ME EXPLAIN HIGH SCHOOL!"
In case you're curious, President Yeti Pubes is impressed, because he is a fucking moron.
Now it is time for Aunt Lydia again. She is asking about specific dates where Bart Boofed. He says he always wrote it down when he did fun things, so if he had been at THAT party, he would have written it down. Does not say if he would have written it down every time he tried to rape, if he did that.
4:39: Dick Durbin's turn!
DURBIN: Seriously, are you calling Christine Blasey Ford a liar? She is the one who's cool with an FBI investigation. What is your fucking crybaby ragey deal? I dare you to tell Don McGahn to have the FBI do an investigation. He's next to you. Do it. Do it. CHUG CHUG CHUG!
GRASSLEY: I will save you from having to do that, Brett!
DURBIN: No seriously, DO IT.
KAVANAUGH: I will do what the committee wants! The committee doesn't want that! i'm innocent! The Republicans are protecting me! I need a beer! I enjoy all the beer!
DURBIN: You AFRAID?
KAVANAUGH: The FBI doesn't say its conclusions!
DURBIN: Dr. Ford is cool with an investigation. She has other evidence, involving Mark Judge. She can connect the dots here.
KAVANAUGH: NO DOTS, NO DOTS, YOU ARE THE DOTS.
What a fucking jackass.
Of course he doesn't want an investigation. Guilty people usually don't.
4:47: Hahahahahaha Lindsey Graham has interrupted regular order to QUEEN THE FUCK OUT.
4:50: Lindsey finishes screaming: "To my Republican colleagues, if you vote no, you are legitimizing the most despicable thing i have ever seen in politics!"
And then it is Sheldon Whitehouse's turn. He asks if we need a minute so Senator Graham can pick his shit up off the floor.
4:52: WHITEHOUSE: What does "Ralph Club" mean in your yearbook?
KAVANAUGH: I HAVE A WEAK TUMMY!
WHITEHOUSE: What does "boof" mean?
KAVANAUGH: It means pooting!
(No it doesn't, and two best friends do not ask each other if they pooted yet in their yearbook. That is a fucking lie.)
4:54: Guess they have decided Rachel Mitchell sucks now, because John Cornyn is now talking. Guess they're not worried about being sexist toward Brett Kavanaugh.
4:59: John Cornyn is very offended that Brett Kavanaugh has been accused of crimes. Oh well, sometimes that happens to people who are probably criminals.
Anyway, Brett Kavanaugh's life is ruined, he can have Supreme Court now?
Now it is time for Amy Klobuchar, a real prosecutor. Maybe she will make him stroke out!
5:02: KAVANAUGH: I really respect you, Amy Klobuchar.
KLOBUCHAR: That's nice. Why won't you demand an FBI investigation? You could seriously ask the president to do this right now.
KAVANAUGH: But you are so nice, Senator!
5:04: Amy Klobuchar is going directly at the drinking problem he seems to have, citing her own father's struggles with alcoholism and quotes from Brett Kavanaugh's Yale classmates. Brett Kavanaugh says all those bitches be lyin' too.
He also asks Amy Klobuchar if SHE has a drinking problem. Wow.
5:10: And now we shall take a break, and when we come back, Orrin Hatch, because the Republicans are going all out of order depending on who's REALLY THE PISSIEST at that current moment.
5:13: Mollie Hemingway, one of the very stupidest people in all of America, still wants to know if maybe Christine Blasey Ford doesn't know who tried to rape her, because ED WHELAN FOUND A HOUSE ON ZILLOW.
5:27: Here's a thing!
Your mouth to God's ears!
To be clear, what we've been seeing this afternoon does not read as the rage of a man falsely accused. It reads as the rage (and tears) of a man who thought he could get away with all of it, and still get whatever he wants, because he's a white man of privilege. And that's all crumbling for him.
Oh well, that's what you get.
5:30: Hooray, it's time for Orrin Hatch to talk, so he can talk about how women are mixed up and gross.
He opens by saying there are people who love Brett Kavanaugh, therefore there is no raping.
5:32: HATCH: Porn star lawyers!
He is very offended by porn star lawyers!
(Man, we did not know Michael Avenatti was a lawyer AND a porn star!)
Hatch continues by saying this is worse than Bork! Worse than Clarence Thomas!
Yes, well ...
Robert Bork was a piece of shit and deserved it.
Clarence Thomas sexually harassed Anita Hill and should be impeached from the court even now.
Now Orrin Hatch says Dianne Feinstein is bad because she did not give Brett Kavanaugh the surprise news that he is probably a sexual predator when they met one-on-one. She probably figured he already knew that stuff about himself SHRUGGIE 'MOTICON.
5:36: Chris Coons begins by saying he's pretty sure Kavanaugh lied about stuff in his confirmation hearing, so that's his starting point in trying to figure out if he's lying now. So let's talk about whether or not Brett Kavanaugh is an aggressive drunk, like a lot of people say!
Also, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
COONS: Your college classmate Liz Swisher says she drank with you and that you're a "sloppy drunk."
COONS: Another classmate said you were shy when you were sober, but a belligerent drunk.
KAVANAUGH: He was just mad about roommate assignments!
5:40: GUYS. They didn't send her home! They are just making her sit there and showing her by ignoring her that they think she is useless!
Anyway, Brett Kavanaugh is just going to keep repeating that the "four people at the party" all say there was no party, because they don't remember a party. And they definitely don't remember Brett Kavanaugh raping them at that party!
5:46: Mike Lee, the vapid one from Utah, is saying stuff. We don't care. He said something semi-passionate about "for the love of all that is holy and sacred" or something, but we were getting a beer. JEALOUS, BRETT?
5:47: BEN SASSE: Did you like our private hearings together, Judge?
KAVANAUGH: I'm always happy to lend a helping hand.
So that was weird.
Sasse finished by having a WEE conniption, so we guess he's still a "yes," but then again, we expect nothing good from any of the GOP men on this committee.
Now it is Dick Blumenthal's turn, and Brett Kavanaugh thought that would be a good time to note for the 8,000th time that the four people who were at the party said they weren't at the party. God, he's like Donald Trump saying NO COLUSION, NO COLUSION.
BLUMENTHAL: You're full of shit when you say the "Renate alumnius" thing in your yearbook was about how you did the Twist with her at the prom.
KAVANAUGH: Don't say bad things about Renate!!!!! I might cry!!!!!!
5:53: Blumenthal would also like to know WHERE THE FUCK IS MARK JUDGE.
BLUMENTHAL: You had a temper tantrum earlier about some conspiracy about how Deep State Hillary Clinton was trying to ruin your life. Do you really think Christine Blasey Ford was part of that?
BLUMENTHAL: Hey, here's a time you actually said you had to "piece things together" from what happened one night with your friends. Doesn't that imply you're a drunk who forgets stuff?
KAVANAUGH: I know what happened that night and it was FRIENDSHIP NOT RAPE.
6:08: Mike Crapo said a bunch of dumb shit but it's not important. Next Democrat up is Mazie Hirono!
HIRONO: Christine Blasey Ford was 100% sure YOU did this. So let's cut the shit and talk about how YOU did this. That wasn't a question, by the way.
6:10: HIRONO: Should we care if you lie a bunch, if you want to be on the Supreme Court?
KAVANAUGH: I have always been an angel!
HIRONO: What about your temperament? Is temperament important?
KAVANAUGH: I am a gentle lamb who doesn't drunk rape even a little!
HIRONO: I feel like you've been having a bit of a temper and also lying. That wasn't a question. Now let me just read statements from everybody who says you're a belligerent drunk!
KAVANAUGH: I went to Yale! I am entitled to this! Also I was in the library too much to rape! And then I was playing basketball too much! I got good grades!
HIRONO: Drunky over here just filibustered me out of my time to ask questions, so here are a bunch of letters I'm entering into the record about what a shitwad he is. Also, we are asking for an FBI investigation.
6:16: It's weird how none of these Republican senators have anything to say that in any way remotely exonerates Brett Kavanaugh or makes him look more credible.
Oh wait, no it's not.
They just want to bitch about the Democrats and process.
Speaking of Democrats, it's almost KAMALA TIME.
6:19: But first, it's Cory Booker!
BOOKER: You didn't just drink on the weekdays, dude.
BOOKER: Nope. You've been lying about memory loss and stuff.
KAVANAUGH: Yes I have.
BOOKER: Are you literally calling Christine Blasey Ford a political operative?
KAVANAUGH: No, I did not hurt her! Dianne Feinstein hurt her!
BOOKER: You think Christine Blasey Ford should just keep her mouth shut?
KAVANAUGH: The four people at the party weren't at the party, that's what they said!
BOOKER: So, she wasn't part of a political smear all the hundreds of times she talked about the assault long before you were nominated.
KAVANAUGH: The four people at the party weren't at the party! Her friend says it didn't happen! The girl one!
BOOKER: She also said she believes Dr. Blasey Ford.
KAVANAUGH: Both sides do it!
BOOKER: So, the point is that Christine Blasey is not part of some kind of Deep State conspiracy from Hillary to Benghazi you to death.
KAVANAUGH: Nobody was at the rape party! It wasn't even on the calendar!
6:28: Ted Cruz just said it's been painful to watch Brett Kavanaugh's mom's face, without considering the possibility that it's been painful for Brett Kavanaugh's mom to have to look at Ted Cruz's face this whole time.
6:33: Fuck these motherfucking Republicans acting like somehow they can pretend they are the ones who really care about Christine Blasey Ford's allegations and Dianne Feinstein doesn't, stop trying to forestall the coming KAMALA STORM.
6:35: KAMALA TIME!
HARRIS: You taken a polygraph?
KAVANAUGH: No, but they're not reliable and I don't wanna, but no.
HARRIS: Everybody who's accused you wants an FBI investigation, what's your fucking problem?
KAVANAUGH: Same non-answer as before!
HARRIS: No, I want the real answer.
KAVANAUGH: The FBI can't do stuff good!
HARRIS: This is not a debate, you little twat. YES OR NO?
KAVANAUGH: Blah blah blah.
HARRIS: Taking it as a no. Hey, if there's a conspiracy, why didn't any of this happen to Gorsuch? Is it that he's not an accused sexual predator?
KAVANAUGH: Didn't you hear my temper tantrum at the beginning? Look at my calendars!!!!!
HARRIS: Do you think men can be nice to some women, but not nice to others?
KAVANAUGH: Every woman I was ever nice to has said I'm good at friendship! I'm gonna maybe cry again!
HARRIS: So bored. Did you watch Dr. Ford's testimony?
KAVANAUGH: Nah, Maury was on.
And now we will finish with Jeff Flake for one minute, and Dumbass Kennedy from Louisiana for four minutes, so that should be special.
6:42: Jeff Flake ends with a defense not of Brett Kavanaugh, but of CIVILITY.
John Kennedy starts by asking if Brett Kavanaugh believes in God, and if he has ever seen a grown man naked.
Kavanaugh responds, in front of God and man, that all the bitches are lyin'.
"Not even a scintilla?"
"Not a scintilla!"
"You promise to Jesus?"
"I promise Jesus."
What's sad is that for some Republicans, that will be enough.
Guess we'll have to see how many that is!
And the hearing is now adjourned. FYI:
Oh for fucks' sake.
CALL YOUR SENATORS.
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