An Interview With Kirsten Boyd Johnson By Kirsten Boyd Johnson


Congratulations, Wonkette, your relationship with the Internet has lasted longer than theaverage American marriage. It is hard to believe you have managed to stay together all these years given the quantity of insults, childish behavior and emotional abuse you have hurled at each other, but this is simply proof of the Bible’s number one rule, “expect the unexpected.”

Since Rebecca asked me to write “something” about my time at Wonkette, I will share with you another profound relationship lesson I learned from this website: I could never love anybody who doesn’t make me laugh at least as often as Michele Bachmann does. This is an important actual litmus test I use in everyday life. You should, too, because how is there love without laughter? There isn’t. Just look at Donald Trump. No one struggles to understand basic humor more than he does, and his existence is basically like living inside a jar full of farts.

Moving on, I will interview myself about a couple things.

What is my favorite post I ever wrote? I don’t know, that’s a dumb question. Like many writers, I hate everything I have ever written and I’m genuinely surprised when someone likes my work. My favorite Wonkette post ever is this one Jim Newell wrote about Dame Nooningtan attending Obama’s first inaugural. It is still one of the funniest things I have ever read on the Internet.

Has writing for Wonkette brought me fame? Exactly one person upon hearing my name at an after-party for a film screening asked me if I was the blogger from Wonkette. That was the closest I have ever come to celebrity.

What is my one wish for the future well-being and happiness of Wonkette readers going forward? I would say it’s that Scott Walker runs for president in 2016. He is a terrible, charmless politician about whom the GOP mysteriously believes the total opposite to be true. As an erstwhile Wisconsinite, I can imagine nothing better and more hilarious than to see him repeatedly humiliated during the presidential nomination process.

What are my predictions for 2014? This year I think at least four embattled Republican congressional candidates will falsely claim Latino heritage, and several more will try to use the word “taco” in a speech, but they will pronounce it with a short “a” vowel noise and it will sound instead like “tack-o.” Newt Gingrich will be accepted into the Mars One program, Sarah Palin will be eaten by a moose, John Boehner’s face will finally complete its molting process to reveal Christine O’Donnell underneath, Paul Ryan will come out as gay for yellow highlighters and Lindsey Graham will finally just come out as gay.

Happy Anniversary!

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. George State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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